What would you call verbal abuse? I may need your help.?

Question

My husband is a very dominating person. He thinks he is perfect...little does he know he's not. He says so many little things to me that I feel is verbal abuse, but I just don't know if it really is. Just yesterday I came home from work and changed into my lounge clothes and started dinner. He owns his own business so my job is to do invoices, bills, etc. I was also getting started on that. He came home from work and saw that I had my comfortable clothes on and said, "Why do you have those clothes on, the yard needs mowing!" So he acts mad and jumps on the lawn mower. Then while He was mowing the yard and I was working on paperwork (with papers spread out everywhere and papers on my lap), the phone rang and I couldn't get up to answer it. When he came in from mowing, he saw that there was a missed call so he flew off and asked why I didn't get up to answer the phone. I left a cup on the counter last night with water in it and the cat kocked it off and he few off again....cont

the cat knocked off the cup with water and he steped in the water. he flew off again because I left a cup there. (Which I should not have to remember to empty a cup...the cat should be out anyway but he won't hear of that.)- He tells me all the time that he saved me...that I would be nothing if he hadnt married me. He constantly fusses about something....little picky things. I can't stand it. I find myself just withdrawing from him and not fighting back. Then when I give him the cool treatment, he saying that I am a bad person and blah blah blah...

For those of you who think that I do not pull my weight....I work a full time job 8 -5. I come home cook dinner everynight. Meat and 3. I do his paper work. I do all the laundry. I clean the house I take off the trash. I do mow the lawn when I have time. I keep my own vehicle clean. I take him his dinner on a tray and fill his glass. He doesn't respect me. But when I skip a beat, or don't feel good, he has no sympathy. He thinks I'm trying to get out of something when I don't feel good. He thinks no one works harder than him. Which is not true. He is just vain.

- Another thing. i wanted to paint the office a cheery yellow. He didn't want it painted. He never wanted me to get the paint. So I begged till he got it. So, once I got ready to paint...he said for me not to paint a single wall until he was ready to help. He keeps putting me off. He got the paint to shut me up now he is controlling in me a new way by telling me I can't paint it unless he is there. It's like I can't be my own person. So I still have white dull walls that I have to look at everyday while i do his work. - I never ask for anything, never. The paint meant alot to me, but, he is loving that he has that control that he doesn't want me paintidng til he is there. He will never be there.

Answer 1

He doesn't sound like a bad person, but after living with a dominating person for 20+ years, I can tell you where it ends up.

You won't know who you are because you've been preoccupied with making sure that you don't offend him. Everything he is will dictate your decisions.

And heaven forbid you have children together. They will be great in spite of you, but it won't be easy. When the kids contrast his dominance with your subservience, you will seem weak. Even if leaving would obviously be far simpler than staying and he would act like his world collapsed, by contrast, he will seem like the strong one.

After the kids grow up and move out, he will want to share how strong and competent he is at work, and it will spark memories of that same type of [controlling] competence with you, and you get to decide if you are going to be proud of your dominant man, or just walk away because you can't explain to him the long term effects of what he is doing, because he won't listen.

This is not a person you bond with emotionally because you have to protect your emotions from his explosive moments, so you will spend a great deal of time feeling lonely even though he wants/needs you around.

And each time you adapt to him, and figure out how to manipulate to get a need met, his tactics will have to alter so control can be maintained.

He will work all day, and come home and work all night and wonder why he is so motivated and other people (including you) aren't. He will make all decisions, but if someone points it out, he will ask your opinion on little things. Be warned, when that happens, you may not have an opinion because you haven't practiced knowing what you like.

If you don't mind living as a kept woman, he will likely be successful at business, as long as he doesn't become addicted, but being someone's pet is so much less satisfying than being someone's partner.

By the way, if you leave, take the cat. You can be punished and controlled by anything that can be hurt in your absence.

Good luck~

Answer 2

Well you have some problems here! But none you can't fix. You just stand your ground and the next time he says that he saved you tell him that your savior has already died for you. When he goes off about the lawn tell him that is a mans job and ask him if he'd rather cook, clean and do paper work! Ask him what is more important to him that you answe the phone or the wellfair of his business? Tell him you'll answer the phone if you can and feel like it. It is not a life or death thing to answer the phone. He need to lighten up and maybe the stress has got a hold of him but that is no reason for him to take it out on you. Have some humor! After a week or two of this treatment come home put on a s_xy nighty and cook and do your paper work while you ignore him! (I personally do not answer the phone when I am filling out bills I wouldn't have it any other way - it takes all my consintration to buget and get things right the first time and be sure we have money to get us throught the next week!)

Verbil abuse is when some one is degrating you so bad it hurts your self esteem and belittles you to a point that it effects your mental ability; Calling you names, telling you that you are worthless fat whore and pig that does nothing and your family sucks too and your an ugly peice that has no meaning, ect over and over daily is verbil abuse and it also come in other forms, research it farther!

Even though some of the things he says to you may make you feel this way it is important to realize that only you give him and his words the power to make you feel a certain way. When you feel you are believeing his words and feel you are worthless that is the time you need to step back and regain your ability to see you as who you really are and go over your good and strong qualities. Do not give in to this. Look into Zen, and meditation if you are having troubles finding your strength, stand up for yourself and laugh off his ignorance! Have humor though with him, if he calls you a name call him one back with laughter, if he says you should be doing somehting remind him of something he should be doing he'll get off your back! Just be strong and above it.

You may also want to tell him that if he continues treating you this way that he can do his own laundry, dishes, cook for himself and do his own bookkeeping for his business, if you don't feel appriceated then why bust your a_s doing things for him maybe he is unaware of what you do for him b/c he is so used to you doing it and now he has no idea but may be needs to be reminded... Bets wishes to you. Be strong!

Answer 3

He should take a different approach. You both should sit down and discuss what is bothering him. It's not fair to you that he pick on you. You are doing more than your share of things. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, errands, and helping him out with the business. He should be praising you. I suggested that you get an organized schedule during the week. If your going to do the invoices and the bills have a quite clean area to work in without distractions. He should be acting like a loving and caring husband not, reprimanding you as if you were a child. A marriage is team work and he needs to know this. If the business is going to interfere with your marriage then you don't need to be there. He needs to seperate one with the other. Good luck.

Answer 4

Verbal abuse is definitely what you are describing in my opinion. Verbal abuse is words that leave you feeling belittled, less, hurt, and angry. It is words that go outside the boundaries of what is appropriate for the relationship. Verbal abuse is the most difficult hurt to rid yourself of. Physical abuse can be deadly, but verbal abuse destroys your self worth, your dignity, your ambition, your definition, your psyche. No one has the right to abuse you no matter what their circumstances. Please let him know how hurt you are and if that does not work, remind him the next time he is in a public situation in front of others belittling you, that he is hurting the one person who should be the most precious to him. If that does not work I would try therapy. It may be a cycle that he learned from his parents. Some people are married and happy miserable or at least find some contentment that way. How I am not sure, but I have seen it many times.

Many men are obviously verbally cruel and abusive. The verbal abuse of others is more subtle. Indeed, some women do not even recognize that they are being verbally abused.

Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their abuse and cruelty for a private audience of one.

Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.
Many men are obviously verbally cruel and abusive. Others are more subtle.

Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Verbal abuse is cruel and scars your soul.

Many women never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed, some do not even recognize that they are being verbally abused.

Why do intelligent, warm women permit verbal abuse from boyfriends and later from spouses?

During the courtship period, everyone is on their best behavior. The verbal abuse is slight and probably few and far between. Since women want to believe the best of their lovers, they overlook obvious verbal abuse. Chemistry adds to the capability women have to overlook the first subtle signs of abuse.

Then they marry or move in together. And the abuse starts...

Verbal Abuse Destroys Confidence.

One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true."

Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.

The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. If the women doesn't change the abuser he can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts.
This lowers her self-confidence even further.

Other abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with:

"What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing.

"Come on, honey, I was drunk .....

"Honey, I love you but sometimes you..."

"I had a bad day at work ..."

"You're not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old."

"I was upset with my ex,"

"You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you--remember."

If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your "charmer" and don't offer belief or support. They think you are crazy not to marry this man.

Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.

Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can and sometimes does, turn physical.

I hope you seek help God Bless... :o)

Answer 5

Verbal abuse is one of the most damaging affects of domestic violence. Just because he does not punch you, that does not mean that he is not truly hurting you. You need to put a stop to this nonsense. He does not have the right to belittle you nor put you down. If you were to go to court and tell a judge or a domestic violence officer, they would confirm that what I am telling you is true. First the put down situation starts and then that's not enough so they test the waters and try to push you around and it goes from there.

My advise is go to a woman's shelter and pick up some literature on domestic violence and place it on the dinner table or somewhere it will catch his attention. Let him read it and discuss what is happening in the relationship. If he continues his abuse, get some counseling for your self. If he has a drinking problem that will add to the problem and it might not get better for a while. Thing is that abuse is abuse and you need to stand up for your self and tell him that you are equally entitled to everything. I would also recommend keeping records of the income he makes in a safe place and get a job for yourself out of the house. Put the kids in daycare and do something for yourself. Control is the key word.

Answer 6

Tie the phone and cup to his waist, tell him the yard needs mowing and he best not even miss cutting a single blade of grass. And when he's done with that, he can do his own damn paperwork. Tell him you're relaxing and you will go off if anyone bothers you.

Answer 7

Yes it's abuse! You are a grown woman, it don't sound like he's happy with you being his partner. He's happy to have you as his obedient slave. Not a good life ahead of you. Once someone gets used to doing certain things it's hard if not imposable to stop doing it unless the picture changes, like u leave him and get a divorce.
Example: A serial killer murders once and gets away with it and feels a rush so he does it again. Then again until something changes like he gets killed or locked up.
It's the same with thief's , liars, and husbands!!!
Tell him he has one more chance to stop talking to you with disrespect or he better find someone else to do his bidding. And then follow thru with it if he doesn't.

Answer 8

Sounds like he is one step short of beating the crap out of you!

Rule No. 1 - You do not have a "job" in marriage. Its both parties, give and take.

Rule No. 2 - Anyone who says to you "The yard needs mowing" needs to have that mower shoved straight up his butt!

Do not take that crap. He is VERY mentally abusive and controlling over you. Get out while you can, before he beats you up while he is "flying off the handle" (you might be bouncing off his fist)

Be careful, stay safe, and good luck.

Answer 9

This IS verbal abuse whether he is calling you a name or yelling at you for every little thing and you should not take it! The only reason he does it is because Subconsciously you let him by not standing up for your self trust me i know. You need to stand up for yourself and not let him talk to youthat way! There are way bigger issues in the world than why you left a cup on the counter or didnt answer the phone and he needs to get over himself. You are his wife not his child. Remember that

Answer 10

He is taking you for granted. You need to wake him up by fighting back. Don't allow him to talk to you like that and tell him to talk respectfully to you or you will consider leaving him. Then he will realise he is not that capable without you around. As you have mentioned, you are not contributing nothing. Instead of appreciating you, he is doing the opposite. He doesn't deserve you.