How can he walk away? Is it because I hurt his pride?

Question

I left my husband in October because of mental and emotional abuse. The right before I left, he gave the ultimatum that it was his way or the highway and told me if I didn't do what he wanted me to, I shouldn't come home because I wouldn't want to know what the consequences would be. I left the next morning and went to a Safe House, ended up there for 1 1/2 months. I have always maintained that I didn't leave to leave for good...I love my husband and wanted to work on it with him. I tried to explain to him how he makes me feel with his repeated degrading remarks, lack of helping around the house, and continuous disregard for how many bills I covered vs how much he covered. At first, his attempt to get me back into the house was, "you will do this and this and this". He didn't listen to me at all, so I didn't go back. His next attempt was, "if you don't come home now, there will be another woman by the end of the week. I have someone in line". I didn't go back then either

because I felt that going home was still not going to change things.......We went to 2 counselling sessions before he decided it was stupid.......so sure enough, he has been with other women. He walked away without ever honestly giving our marriage a chance or putting any merit into what I was trying to tell him. He doesn't care that I"m pregnant (now 7 months). He doesn't care that his little boy is being tossed back and forth like a rag doll. He doesn't care that I am about to go down to 55% of my wage when I go onto maternity. How do you walk away from your wife of 10 years and not look back? How can you NOT take responsilblity for your own actions? He has admitted he made mistakes. He has admitted he should have done things differently. He has said love is not the problem because he does love me. So what??

Okay Jon, you want examples of real abuse? Okay...during fights he used to yell in my face - an inch from my face - until I submitted to his wishes. He has an old dog that pees and poos upstairs and my hubby told me I should go sleep in the filth I belong in. He and I both work full-time. He paid the mortgage and the house insurance, adding up to $900/mo CA and i paid everything else: the groceries, the household bills, the daycare, the insurance on both vehicles, etc - adding up to about $1600/mo. He has told me I'm stupid, useless, worthless. He had me to the point where I would give in before an argument, whether I believed I was wrong or not, just to avoid it altogether because I KNEW was going to get it verbally and emotionally until I submitted to his opinion. I did all the housework. I used to BEG him to hit me.

I am sorry I am venting - I'm angry and hurt. I want to thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I do believe this is real abuse. It was real to me.

Also, you should understand too that there is more than 1 kind of abuse. Physical scars go away. Emotional and mental scars can affect you for years. Because I have been told that I am useless and stupid, I believed it for years. I also believed that I wasn't good enough for anything better, which I am working on on a daily basis now. It is NOT okay to verbally assault your spouse. My husband used to state that you fight to win, and you do what you to to win. That meant tearing apart my character and making me feel like my opinions were invalid and useless because he knew that woudl let him win. He is a bully.

yes, I am hurt and angry. Yes, I am in counselling. I am also trying to protect my little boy. I'm trying to understand why we mattered so very little to him. The only thing I can see him caring about is him, really. You mentioned the financial point - it was mentioned by me because while I was busy paying for everything, he got himself toys..a boat..ATV..etc.

One more side note, my pregnancy came as a huge surprise to me. I did not plan it, but things happen and I'm sure a lot of you have had unplanned pregnancies. It has been 3 1/2 years since I had my son - why would I purposely get pregnant?

Just for the record too, when he was yelling an inch from my face, I was usually in tears by then and cringing. This was an intimidation tool and he used it because he knew I would back down. I will not claim to be perfect in this as I put up with far too much for far too long, but my intentions were simply to point out to him that he tends to bully to get his way. I know I put up with too much. But I do also mean it when I say I did not plan the pregnancy. I did leave with the intention of fixing our marriage. I did not see sleeping with him or else he'd sleep with someone else as a valid reason to give into him. I don't think I'm playing the game....I think I'm trying to stand up for myself. Whether I'm doing a good job or not, it does hurt that he walked away because he never even tried. It was like now that I'm not willing to put up with it, I'm no longer needed. Yeah it hurts!

Answer 1

I have worked in a crisis center for many years and yes, it is abuse. Emotional abuse is much more hurtful than the physical abuse. The long lasting effects are very difficult to deal with. Cuts and bruises heal but the scars embedded deep in our hearts take a long time to heal. I would love to take John on in a debate............he hasn't a clue. Please don't listen to his words or anyone else who has not been there.
First of all, let me say CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so proud of you for leaving and letting him know that you are worthy of being treated so much better!
Don't keep wondering why he left. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you love yourself and your child so much that you are willing to give that child the best life possible....a safe life with a caring mom who can give love.
Focus on the baby and yourself at this time. It's a time for you to become stronger and to prepare for the blessing that God is giving you. Some people have terrible things happen and nothing good ever comes of it. You have experienced much pain and you haven been blessed with a child.
Continue to go to support groups and use other resources that the Domestic Crisis Centers have to offer. You will need their emotional support. Money isn't everything...........in fact it is nothing compared to the peace of mind you have when coming home to a loving environment in which to raise your child. you have your whole life ahead of you starting now. You write the pages of your book............you are starting a new chapter................go out and write and live a great one!

Answer 2

He's right but only in part... Love is NOT the problem. His rage and willingness to KILL YOU and your infant is the problem. He wishes to control you and violence towards you and your children is OK with him. That is NOT LOVE!

His willingness to walk away after 10 years comes from his need to control and do violence to you; he's afraid of losing control of you and he knows if he cannot control you, he can find some other poor girl who doesn't value herself to control and abuse.

You need to report his abuses to the police and get an order of protection against him. You need him out of your life. You need counseling WITHOUT HIM to learn to finally love yourself. He's guilty of attempting to murder both you and your unborn child. Remember Lacie Peterson? Do you want to end up like her??? You had BETTER leave him for good or you WILL end up dead!

So WHAT if he has another woman. He didn't love you anyway.

IF HE LOVED YOU HE'D TELL YOU AND SHOW YOU HOW VALUABLE YOU ARE TO HIM EVERY DAY AS MY HUSBAND DOES.

Jon S's response has many good points. It's too bad he has a serious lack of understanding of emotional abuse, what it entails and how damaging and disabling it is. He may be right in that you might have been abusing your husband as well, or baiting him. That does happen, and you need extensive therapy.

April's response is good, but I'm confused. I've re-read your notes about a dozen times now, as I don't see any comment in your notes saying that you got pregnant to try to keep the marriage together. If you did trick him by getting pregnant, then her comments on that score are also valid.

Answer 3

This one is really easy, hon...if what you say here is true....

To answer your question, he walked away, because he had someone else (for whatever reason): -- your marriage was first shaky, and now crowded. And he wanted you out of his life and made it impossible for you to stay, by threatening you.... and you love this guy? No, hon, you don't love him, you love what you would LIKE him to be, you love your IMAGE of him, you love what you THOUGHT he was, and all those just ain't the same as who he is and what he is..... the confusing part, is why in the hell did you stop taking your pills....... to trap him??? didn't work, did it? OMG, how many women think they are going to trap a guy by getting pregnant. Kids are divisive, not bonding, and to bring a child into an already shaky marriage will never shore up the crumbling walls..... How can he walk away??? Easy, and several reasons....
1. For whatever reason, he decided to cheat on you, and fool around
2 . Because you did indeed try to trap him by becoming pregnant... and that really grinds on a guy, and rightly so.. and he will never forgive you for that one, but he will later wish to be part of the kids life, just not you in his life any longer...

Dumb, hon, really dumb. And really unfair to a child. Every child ought to be carefully planned for, by both parents. Every child deserves a shot at being part of a happy family. If your pregnancy was un-intential, there is always the "morning after" pill that most of us keep around, (and hon, you are killing no baby... at conception a set of cells doesn't even have a nervous system, much less anything that can be called human.)

Suggestions.
1. Accept the fact that your marriage is over... there is toooooo much resentment on your side, as well as his, besides, he's with someone else now,,, (pity her, really.... the one they cheat with isn't ever the one they stay with for very long.... that lady is just the bridge out of the marriage.)
2. Get some counseling on your part to get your head back on straight.
3. Have no more children in unstable relationships.


This guy's personality had to have been out there, and obvious to you long before you go married, and for sure before you got pg..... Be more selective in your choice of your next partner. And a few words from my mom... bless her heart.
1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry... choose not only with your heart, but with your head.
2. Have no children until your relationship is solid (ooops) -- make me a mother in law before you make me a grandmother.... and have no more than you yourself can financially support.
3. Finish your education to qualify for high paying jobs. Likely you will work sometime during your marriage, perhaps for decades... get paid for it.
4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it.... you will, and the more the better.

Thank you mom!!!

Hope this helps, hon

Answer 4

That one's gotta go. He has a lot of frickin' nerve to talk to you that way - even once. He sounds like a neandrethal, find a man who can have a conversation. When they're emotional abusers they'll chip away at you forever and nary a one of them will get help because you can't see the scars of that kind of abuse. Read an article called Control Freaks at
http://www.johannanko.net/RavensWitchAbuse.htm

You'll find him in there and then you'll be on the road to understanding and recovery. It did me a world of good in my last relationship. One emotional abuser is one too many, at this time I don't care if I ever get involved again. RUN from that guy, get away as fast as you can because you're never going to win - believe me it's all about keeping you under control by isolating you and undermining your confidence.

Linda

Answer 5

Oh honey, don't go back at all and don't even consider doing so.

By telling you there will be another woman within the week, he's so sure he can latch on to anyone. And it's a real degradeing thing to say to you. Matter of fact everything he says to you is degradeing.

YOUR a WOMAN!!! You need to go to counceling and gain your self esteem back NOW!!

I ended in a safe house with 4 kids for 3 months. TAKE all they can offer you, get your own place, get your own job, and sue him for child support and alimoney!!
Stand up and become the strong woman that you have hideing in there!!

Answer 6

You did the right thing..... stay away from him. Obviously he has some control issues going on and does not really care about you. Move on with your life... and don't look back.


And to everyone who said that she was wrong for leaving or is playing games too... apparently you have never been in an abusive relationship. And yes, emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse.

Answer 7

You left. Why on earth do you think it will get better than before?

Anywho he didn't walk away. you left and by your lead he followed. Hurt his pride or not you were not in the house and he let you know his intentions. I guess you though the was playing. I don't condone abuse in any shape or form but what did you expect to come home too. Did you thik he was going to be at the front door with flowers waiting for you to leap in his arms????

Regardless of you not leaving for good. He told you what he was going to do. When people want to work things out they usually work it out at home and not from afar. I can't give you sympathy cause you left. I can say however it takes a strong woman to leave and you did just that. Don't go back it won't get any better. It will get worse

Answer 8

It sounds more like your pride is hurt because he didn't fall apart and come chasing you back promising he would to anything to get you back after you left him ...and now you want him back even though you go on about how horrid of a person he has been to you...why on earth would you want to go back to him other than your own hurt pride?

As far as him, it could be hurt pride of being rejected and now seeking out other women to salve that wounded pride. However, it could be he wanted out of the marriage for a long time but was too chicken to be a man about it and intentionally made life miserable for you so that you would leave so he could have a clear conscience in his own mind to move on with no guilt because you left him and he gets to play "victim" and get sympathy from his family, friends and the new women he meets as his wife left him.

It sounds like you both have control issues that you need to deal with for the sake of the well being of your children. You should not have left in the manner you did unless you were ready for the marriage to be over. You are the one that walked out on the relationship instead of trying to work things out and get into counseling (even if he refused to go at first) before letting things get to the level they did and then just taking off, which is why he is expecting if you want to return, it will be on his terms, not yours.

For the sake of your children, I hope that you both deal the drama down a few notches, grow up, stop playing one-upmanship mind games and both learn to treat each other with courtesy and respect, despite each of your own hurt feelings. If you don't it is your children that will end up suffering in the long run by being caught in the middle of your battles and learning about what relationships are like by the parent's dysfunctional examples.

Answer 9

You might just need the space to truly reevaluate the relationship and his actions. Judging by the nature of his actions, perhaps, he sounds extremely tempermental and childish in his response towards serious issues. Do you love drama? He is doing things to push you further away. Relationships are about give and take. Do you honestly want to live this way? Are you afraid to move on b/c he's all you've ever known. What you need to do is think about what it is that YOU need, b/c relationships are conditional, not uncondtional.

Answer 10

He can no longer control you and that scares him. He is insecure and needs to be in control of you and that is all that matters. Don't look back. Do the best you can for you and your children. You and the babies deserve better. Can you imagine how much worse it would be with another mouth to feed? Count your blessings that you got out with your life and that you can be here asking this question.