Should you tell a child they are adopted?

Question

Or keep it a secret? I am impartial here - I would just like to know opinions on the subject.

Answer 1

Everyone is different, however, in this day of adoption, more and more are "open", meaning, the child eventually knows the birth parents, or depending on the situation, may know them froma very young age and beyond.

My opinion is this. Most adopted children will find out they are adopted. There will be very apparent differences, physically, emotionally, personality wise, and interest wise. An adoptee will always have a feeling of "not fitting".....it is up to the adoptive parents to educate themselves enough on adoption and adoption language so that they are prepared to answer the difficult questions, and face the challenges that lay ahead.

If an adoptee finds out that you have "hidden" the truth from them, especially at an older time in their lives, they may feel that you have betrayed them, and also kept a very essential part of their "being" from them. An entire new can of worms to deal with!

Being open and honest is the way to go for me. Communication is essential!

Answer 2

Yes, tell the child they are adopted. Maybe not when they're really young, but by the time they start school they should know. It would be harder to keep it a secret as they get older, and you wouldn't want them finding out from someone else. Treat it as a positive thing, and explain it on their level at whatever age you decide to tell them. That's what I would do, if I adopted a child. This is especially important if it's an open adoption where the birth parents know where the child is placed, and are in contact with the adopted family. If I was adopted I would want to know. A lot of adoptive parents worry that if the child finds out they're adopted they will go looking for their birth parents and feel that their adopted parents are "less", but I don't think that's the case, most of the time. No matter what, I would tell the child they are adopted.

Answer 3

yes you should tell the child. My parents waited too long and wouldn't talk about it with me. I could never under stand why I always looked like the odd one when some family would come visit. Up until the death of my adopted father, I still couldn't ask questions about the subject. My adopted mother wouldn't not discuss much of it either. As an adult now and almost 60 I cant give information on illness or what my family had or didn't have. What is worse my real mother was at one time best friends with my adopted mother. What hurts me the most now is I get told that Aim a disgrace to my race which is Mexican because I don't speak the language. My adopted parents were white.

Answer 4

Yes, I strongly suggest you should tell them.

I am adopted, I am 28 yrs old now and my parents tried to keep a secret from me, but the truth came out one time and it was a big disaster for everyone. I was 13 when I found out. I was very upset not because I was adopted, but because I felt everyone I knew had lied to me. I did get over it of course after my family had sat down and we had discussed everything.

It never changed the way I felt about my parents, they are my mom and dad. I have since then met my biological parents and carry a relationship with them, but I know who my real parents are and respect and love them more than ever!

Also, as a personal note, timing is everything. Tell them when they are old enough to understand, but don't wait until they are to old either. I would suggest between the ages of 8-12, but that is based on maturity levels of course.

Answer 5

I believe that adopted children should know as early as possible. Once they are old enough to understand it (somewhere between 5-7 years old). I think telling them ionce they get much older than that makes them feel decieved and like they should be ashamed becasue if it wasn't such a big deal then why did you keep it a secret...
I actually was able to hear a cousin explain to her 5 year old daughter that she was adopted and that she was no pregnant with a new baby. It was great
She told her she needed to explain something very important to her. She said "Soon you are going to have a little brother that will come from Mommy's belly but did you know that not all babies come from their Mommy's bellies. Some babies are extra special like you becasue instead of being born from Mommy's belly they are born from Mommy's heart" She then explained to her about how she CHOSE to have her as a daughter. It was the cutest thing. Her daughter told evryone for weeks after ward that she was "the best becasue she was born from Mommy's heart" at 8 years old she still remembers the story and is proud.

Answer 6

The child has a right to know. I know a girl who was not told by the couple that adopted her. But then she got the hint later on; it was terrible. She was devastated. Its been many years now, and she is still not the same person she used to be. AND she agrees that had she learnt the truth from her own parents (the ones that adopted her), she would have found it easy to accept.

Answer 7

Ive known many ppl that were adopted and all of them knew they were. People have a right to know "where they come from". My husband was adopted and even found his biological parents which was great he atleast got to find out medical backgrounds beyond that he realizes it was the best thing in the world to be adopted by his parents and I personally feel everyone should know they are adopted

Answer 8

I think that there comes a time when a child should be told that they are adopted. My husband was adopted, and he figured it out on his own because his adoptive parents were 52 when he was born, so by the time he figured it out they were like 60 and much older than his friends' parents. It is better to tell them rather than have them find out later in life.

Answer 9

You should tell the child when they are young, pitched at their level. If you don't then the pain will be much greater when they do actually find out.

If the adoptive parents actively prevent the child from finding their birth parents (before or after the person knows they are adopted) then they could come to resent them, especially if one or both dies before they get to meet them.

Answer 10

Yes I believe you should tell a child if they are adopted. You have to choose the right time to do it. Something so big like this should never be kept a secret. If you were a child, teen or adult, you would want to know if you were adopted wouldn't you?