My husband and I disagree what do u think?

Question

My daughter 14 has been acting a little secretive and has been in trouble a couple of times this month for not making her check in time mostly she is a good kid and I havent had much trouble out of her. She has a bag she carries with her everywhere and my husband thinks whatever she is hiding is in the bag and thinks I should look, but I feel this is an invasion of her privacy and unless she really gives me a good reason not to trust her I should not snoop through her things. What do u think and if u think I should snoop would u tell her u want to see whats in the bag or would u look without her knowing

Answer 1

Sticky situation here. I would be concerned that she is not making her check in time lately and would be asking her each time why not... what she was up to, etc. You have every right to go through her bag as a her mother, but as you say, the privacy thing. Sometimes we have to go about things we don't always want to, to find out the truth from our teenagers. I say.. go through it, put it back, and if there is something in there that you need to be concerned about.. confront her.. it's your job. If you find nothing... let it go and never mention that you went through it. It would be worse to find out that if you hadn't gone through her bag and you should have, you would have found something to stop anything before it started.

Answer 2

Hmm.. tough call. If it is a bag that she has always carried with her then I say no, you shouldn't snoop. The fact that she's growing up and isn't being as open about everything may make you curious, but is not a reason to invade her privacy.

If this is something new and started the same time that she started having a few problems, then you might want to have a look, but I would NOT tell her.

Kids want to be trusted, but we as parents still have to do what we think is in their best interest. I have 15 and 17 year old sons and almost always they make good decisions, but if I thought there was ever a problem, you can bet that I would be following up on it.

Answer 3

It's a tough time to be parents of a teenager. There are so many kids out there that could have used their parents being more involved in what's going on in their lives. Kids these days are exposed to harmful things at an earlier age than we as parents were when we were their age. What if the boys involved in the Columbine school shooting had parents that snooped through their rooms? Perhaps a tragedy would have been avoided. I firmly believe in looking in my child's room, diary, purse and backpacks. I also tell my daughters that they can tell me anything and ask me anything, I will listen to their problems and help them find solutions. If I feel they are hiding something from me, I will not ask for permission, I will search for clues whenever possible.

Answer 4

Well I am thankful that my parents snooped around my room and purse. I say this because of what I was doing. I thought it was cool to smoke cigs and pot. I thought that it was no big deal and that I could stop when I wanted to. I used to hate that my parents were so nosey. I felt I deserved my privacy, in which I did according to my parents. But I lost my privacy rights when I changed and started acting up. You both know your daughter, but you don't know all of her friends or how she is at school. You don't know if she is trying to be accepted among her peers or already has been. Being that age you will do almost anything to fit in, to be apart of something. I honestly feel that my parents saved my life. They learned from the start that I was around the wrong crowd. They yanked me so far from those people that I had no choice other than to change. I am so thankful for that. Thankful that now I have a great job and family. Thankful that I have a home in which to create memories. My Cousin however wasn't as fortunate as me. His parents allowed to do whatever he wanted because they didn't want to upset him. Now after 10 years his parents couldn't be more upset. He's spent 8 of the last 10 years in jail. Why you ask, because he was addicted to pill popping. He was so desperate he broke into my parents home and stole from them. Now he is just a memory as no one trusts him or wants him around. It's sad really, knowing that it could have been prevented. If only his parents weren't so worried about hurting his feelings. If only his parents were parents. You see it how you want, but having gone through it I will tell you I am thankful. I tell my parents this as often as possible because I did put them through alot. But I never not once have held it against them, it saved me. Your daughter is at the age in which I started going down hill. Because I felt I knew it all, I thought I was smart enough hide it and not get caught. Little did I know. Really think this through. Good Luck & God Bless!

Answer 5

14 is an age where kids are naturally touchy to their parent's vibes, and secretive = normal, for the most part. If she's a good kid for the most part I agree with you- there is no reason to snoop. If you truly have no reason to believe she is hiding something, and she isn't, your search will only serve to give her cause TO hide something in the future if some issue arises. Her being able to trust you- esp if she hasn't actually done anything, is important at this point, and if you violate this trust, without good cause, you may set the stage for trouble. I say wait till you have reason to believe she's up to something before you take drastic steps.

Answer 6

Who is the parent? What if she's hiding drugs or a gun in there? I'd respect her privacy but only within reason. If I felt she was unsafe in ANY way, sorry...privacy is not a right for a kid while responsibility for the kid is the law. Imagine if she had something dangerous in that bag and ended up hurting or killing herself while you were "respecting her privacy". I see nothing wrong with taking a discreet peek when she's not looking.

Answer 7

I think you shouldn't snoop into the bag unless she starts to act weird or strange or do something completely unlikely of her to do then I think you should talk to her, ask her about what's going on in her life.Maybe she would appreciate it if you talked to her about what's going. And no matter what under any circumstances check what's in her bag because then she will feel like your invading her privacy and that you don't trust her.

Answer 8

You are the parent, and it is the hardest job you’ll ever have.

Sit her down, with the bag. Have an honest discussion, that her behavior is leaving you to believe that she is hiding something. For her own safety, and because you love her so much you are going through her bag. Go through that bag then and there with her present. Trust your instincts. Worse case she is hiding nothing, but you’ve been honest with each other. As a teenager she is not going to think what you are doing is fair, but it is your job as a parent.

Answer 9

You're the Mother. It's better to snoop than have a Daughter on drugs. Tell her you want to see what's in the bag. She's a kid and must do as you say. Lay down the rules and stick to them.

Answer 10

Teens are secretive by nature. My son is fifteen and he was really worried that I would go in his room when he went on vacation and was going to be away from home. I will admit that I went in his room and just did a visual check. I didn't dig into anything, nor did I open drawers. I found several "love notes" on the floor, and yes I did read them. I would ask her to allow you access to the bag. I wouldn't go into the bag unless she really gave you reason to. At that point, I would say, "I would like to look at the contents of your bag. You may watch if you like."