My daughter's father - should I give him an opportunity to see her? Advice.?

Question

Story is .. got pregnant at 18, so was he. I had the baby at 19, he never worked, was a lazy bum, who always wanted to be playing video games. When my baby was 10 months I got a job, and since then I started being independent and moved out on my own. She is now 7 going on 8, I have been with my fiancee now, for 4 years and we'll be getting married soon. He has been a great father figure to my little one. She loves him and respects him very much. She misses him way more when he leaves even for a couple of days, than her real dad who she wont see for more than 3 months at a time. He is continiously losing his jobs, going to jail (DUI tickets) and I am never able to collect child support from him. I have always taken care of my daughter on my own, and now with the help of my fiancee he's provided a great home for us, we are his family, as much as he is to me and my daughter. He [real dad] now is out of jail (again) and is calling me because he wants to talk to my daughter, but I don’t want to do that. It upsets me that he just wants to come around whenever he wants to and he never has been there financially to deserve that? Should I feel this way? Am I being unreasonable? I have been the one to struggle and been there in every way possible for my baby and he has had it so easy, why should I do anything to make things easier for him?

I wonder if there is a way where I can have him give me full custody of her, or will that automatically happen once I marry? Will he always have a “right” to her as long as he’s on the birth certificate?

To be honest I was a lot happier when he was locked up, that way he wasn’t bothering me or her…. Any advice?

Answer 1

Unless you get him to sign over his custodial rights, which it sounds like is NOT an option for him, then you are stuck with him. He is her father, he is on the birth certificate. He is entitled to see her.

If you never set up custody/visitation rights, then now might be the time to have those in place. It will at least give him some boundaries as to when he is allowed to see her, etc.

A judge will only consider revoking the parental rights of a parent if there is a certain amount of time in which he/she is not a part of the child's life, makes no contribution to the child (financially) and has no contact with the child. Each state is different.

My suggestion to you is to get a family atty to look at your case, file a petition for custody allowing him visitation rights, get the child support set in stone and go from there. If he continues to be non-supportive (physically and/or financially) then you can bring it to the court's attention and the judge can look at the case from there.

Answer 2

1. Custody is awarded by the courts - not individuals - and is only legal when done so by the courts. Many who unwed parents of a child or children think that just because one has raised the child the other doesn't 'have custody'. Until a court rules and grants custody, custody belongs to both parents. I used to counsel my clients regularly to immediately seek full and permanent custody in the courts!

2. Visitation is another matter - is he the 'father of record'? Meaning is he listed as her father on the birth certificate? Was legal paternity ever established?

The non custodial parent is almost ALWAYS granted visitation rights and legally it has little or nothing to do with whether they have 'participated' financially or otherwise in the child's upbringing.

3. Nothing automatic happens once you marry. The custody situation remains the same until you have it changed in a court. Your new husband has no custodial rights, unless you and he were to agree at a later date for him to seek to legally adopt your daughter [that's another long explanation]

Just read where you said he is on the birth certificate...yes, he has rights of visitation; he has a right to say no on adoption proceedings; he has a right to sue for custody.

My advice?? Get a lawyer to protect your rights

Another piece of advice would be for you to release yourself of your resentments against this man and realize that regardless of the quality of his character he IS the biological father of your child and yes, she has a right to know him.

Yes, you can control the contact within the provisions/parameters of the court but your daughter will thank you one day for allowing her the opportunity and she will make her own decision [mine did]

Answer 3

My advise is a rather biased one, as I too had the same problem. I have searched my soul deeply in order to answer these questions you have. First thing you have to realize is you did not concieve this child by yourself. You had to at one time or another cared for the guy that fathered your daughter. It is not your daughter's fault that you had a child by an unsuitable doner, however he is her father and she deserved the right to draw her own conclusions about her father, and in time she will be able to do that honestly without any influence by you. Him losing his job should be no concern of yours, him going to jail is also not your concern. How he chooses to live his life is on him not you. His finances are also not your concern except that he pays his child support. If you want your child support go to the family support division and file a petition to get it, it will be court ordered. I would defenatly be concerned if he is staying drunk or under the influence while your daughter is in his costody, you can request testing on a regular basis to determine if this is the case. Remember, your childs chances of being successful in life may depend on her being able to see first hand both sides of the coin. It is your God given right to teach your children the truth and her father is part of that. Do not let that man upset you, stay in control by staying calm with him at all times. He will always be there even after you marry again. Once he leaves then YELL< SCREAM> CUSS whatever it takes to make you feel better, monitor your daughter very closely upon her return from visits., and protect yourself and your daughter with the tools that are available to you. The only way you can be given full custody is to prove the father un-fit and that is very hard to do on your own, you have to have proof, not hear say. Gather up the proof and go for it if you feel it is what is in the best interest of your child, but don't do this if it is to make things easier for yourself. this is not about you, it is about your daughter. Be fair to your child, to hell with everyone else, she is the one depending on her mommy to raise her up to be a God fearing successful individual in her adult life. By the way I think it is wonderful that you have found someone to love you and your child so much he is willing to make you both a part of his life and future. Good luck!

Answer 4

The real father of your child seems to have an attitudinal problem as far as his job is concerned. You could very well consult a lawyer and get his rights terminated if that is possible, otherwise he will keep coming back and be a bad influence for your daughter.

If he has financial problem, you could also talk to him to give paternal right in the shape of adoption to your husband whom your daughter also loves, you could pay him some money for this consideration (this idea may not be feasible but if you find it good then you could at least give it a try).

Just remember one thing - In the case of your separation from the current husband, you may have to face trouble regarding custody of the daughter. I am not very sure though. I would suggest you a full session with your lawyer.

Answer 5

He's not going to give up his rights as a parent. Nothing will change when you get married. The only way he could give up rights is if your ex was willing to walk away and allow her to be adopted.

They both have a 'right' to see each other (father and daughter). Do you have any visitation agreement in place? If not, time to make one. Like he can't drive with her (due to his DUIs) once a week, every other week on Sunday, no overnight visits until she gets to know him - talk to a lawyer or a court appointed mediator.

Also, consider talking to a counselor to help you deal with what you are feeling, to give you help with how to address your daughters questions and how to introduce the two of them again.

Answer 6

He would have supervised visits only it would be controlled and due to bum status this has to be until you see at least 2 years stability in his life and support. You have no right and it is not your decision to keep your daughter from her Dad this is her Dad and always will be and the truth is she will love him and you, despite your flaws like crazy. She will see her Dad for what he is but it wont matter and she never will blame you from keeping her from Dad. Let her decide no one could have told me anything about my Dad and if they tried they were not my friend no matter how much of a bum he was! Good luck! And congrats on having a child so many adults want to love in there own way!

Answer 7

He will always have a right to see his daughter unless he does something to have his parental rights terminated. Your situation (married or not) has nothing to do with his relationship to his daughter. If you say things like you are happy when he's in jail so you don't have to deal with him, it's no wonder he doesn't come around much. Don't think for a minute that your daughter is going to forget the part you played in ruining any relationship that might have formed between her and her real dad.

Answer 8

Well, I can certainly understand how you feel. There are two issues here, one that I think that's going to be easier than the other. The first easy issue, is wait until she's older to let her see her dad. She's still pretty young (unless she's mature for her age). When I mean older, I mean like 12 or something. The other issue is, I'm suprised you don't have full custody with him being in and out of jail; but you'll need to hire an attorney on that one. Only the courts can legally decide on that one. Yes, he legally does have a right to her since he's on her birth cert, there's no way around that one unfortunately =(

Answer 9

I'm in a very similar spot.

Depends where you live. Here in Ohio, an unmarried mother has sole custody of her children until otherwise ruled by a court. So that means, my kids father would have to FILE FOR CUSTODY and a judge would have to GRANT it. Until then, he's legally a stranger to them. Check your state laws.

There is also an abandonment law. After a certain amount of time without physical or financial support, a parent is found to have abandoned their child. Check into this.

My opinion is-- F*** HIM!! He is doing NOTHING for your daughter except confusing and hurting her. She never knows when he will be there for her or not. She can't count on him, and barely knows him. She could grow up with an insecurity about men in general. That is not fair to HER! And, after all, this is about your daughter! NOT HIM! Screw "father's rights" He gave those up a long time ago!! If he wanted rights, he should have stepped up LONG AGO! That is just too freakin' bad if you ask me. Your daughter needs a steady, responsible role model, and her biological father just isn't cutting it. I would recommend you cut him off as soon as possible, send your daughter to counseling, and start your new family!!

Hopefully, it will work out so your new husband can adopt your daughter. (If that is what you want) I will pray for you. :) Feel free to contact me if you need support, I know all too well what you're feeling.

Answer 10

You do have options...if you go to the courts you can file for full custody with no visitation rights, or you can ask him to give up all parental rights to her and then you dont have to let him see or talk to her. Just because you marry does not take away his rights as a parent, you have to go through the courts to make that happen.

Just remember that he is her father no matter what, regardless of wether you like him or not. You should ask her if she wants to talk to him, and let her be apart of the decision. Someday she is going to ask more questions about him and to hear that you told him he wasnt allowed to see or talk to her, she may start to be resentful toward you. Just be careful in the decision that you make for her.

Also, you should go to the courts to get the child support, if you haven't already done so.