My 37yr old husband of 10 years underwent 6 months of intensive weekly chemotherapy to treat his cancer.It was a really stressful time for me.Because he had to spend so much time in hospital I would often get really lonely as we have no children and I started an affair with one of his friends.I know it sounds terrible but it's very hard for a woman my age (32) to go from having a great sex life to no sex life at all.I honestly feel terribly about the 4 month long affair and am considering telling him now that we found out he is in remission last week.My husband is a truly wonderful man and a great husband and I hate the thought of hurting him but I feel like he deserves to know.Would you tell him?
2007-04-11 04:46:39 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Cancer
Don't tell him. Deal with your guilt yourself, don't try to make yourself feel better by hurting him. And don't do it again.
2007-04-11 04:49:36 · answer #1 · answered by Steven D 5 · 2⤊ 3⤋
First of all this is for the rest of you people that have answered already. When I read your answers I spotted only one person that could possibly have a clue as to what the asker and her husband have been through. The rest of you sit down and shut up.
To the cancer survivor's answer. You had to take direct action to save your own life. Your partner did not have that benefit and if you ask him, he will be able to tell you of the unrelenting stress that he went through. I would describe my own reaction as post traumatic stress syndrome.
To the asker, you need to evaluate how he is going to react. Your first order of business is to get him through his illness. It ain't over yet by a long shot. His mental attitude will have a large effect on him maintaining a NED status.
Your feelings of guilt are as natural as your actions under the circumstances. You needed some normalcy and you tried to find it. Nuff said. Have the wisdom to forgive yourself and get back to work getting him better. When he is over the hump then it might be time to fess up and work it out. I would think that after ten years (about the length of time that my wife and I were married when she was diagnosed last year) your relationship is well beyond the "sex is the basis of our marriage" stage. Your indescretion in my opinion was more your lack of honesty with him. That is the hurdle that you must climb. It will be the same hill in a few months or even years. But it is definitely not todays business. Forgive yourself , do your job (helping him getting better), and work out the problems when they become the biggest thing left on your plate. Remember you are a survivor as much as he is.
2007-04-11 23:51:03 · answer #2 · answered by half_life1052 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I see your predicament. You don't want to lose the trust of your ailing husband. This choice is entirely up to you. If my wife was having an affair, I would want to know the truth, yet I would temporarily feel resentment towards my wife (this is hypothetical, I have no wife.) Well, simply put, you made a mistake. In my opinion, you should openly tell him. Hopefully, you can redeem yourself from your betrayal and slowly earn back his trust. I'd imagine that if you've been married for ten years, he is forgiving, and he needs you more than ever at this time to be supportive. If you don't tell him, it may be for the better, but it will eventually eat away at your conscience until you have closure. Good luck, and peace out.
~ Neil Rawson '07
2007-04-11 04:57:02 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well i think you are ____________. but that besides the point. I don't think that you should tell him. I think you are a very selfish person and obvious you don't love your husband. I think you should get some toys. If you are going to tell him wait til he is a little stronger so he will have the strength to leave you!!! I am sorry if this is not what you want 2 hear but this is the one of the most selfish things i have ever heard, all because you need 2 be sexually pleased while your husband is dying. Remember what goes around comes around three folds. shame on you
2007-04-11 07:27:08 · answer #4 · answered by thesunnshynne 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it depends on your relationship with your husband right now. After going through this experience together, I would think that you might feel closer to each other, and more grateful to still have him with you.
If you need to tell him something, you might test the waters by saying, "While you were in the hospital, I was spending a lot of time with so-and-so, he was a really big support for me," or something like that. Depending on how your husband takes that, then you might add some more details (e.g., "we kissed").
No matter what, don't tell him anything until he's significantly better and life has returned to normal. If you drop some kind of bombshell while he's still recovering, it could really effect him negatively.
2007-04-11 04:52:04 · answer #5 · answered by L G 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Due to the sad circumstances, I think that you should not tell him. If he had not gone through such a difficult illness, then maybe telling him would be appropriate. You filled a void in your life, and no one can judge you for that because none of us know you. There's just nothing good that could come from this confession. Celebrate the remission and begin anew. Take care of each other.
2007-04-11 05:03:51 · answer #6 · answered by ~ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My advice is to deal silently with your guilt. Nothing will be accomplished if you destroy his trust. He has battled cancer and all that goes with it. You should not consider crushing his faith in you and causing him more pain. That would be selfish on your part. You've been selfish enough. You made a decision to have an affair, and you have to live with it. He does not. Knowing something like that about his wife and friend can ruin a wonderful man. Be sure his friend keeps his mouth shut too. Be the wife he needs. Not the wife who screwed him up.
2007-04-11 07:03:52 · answer #7 · answered by Konswayla 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have put yourself in a very difficult position, telling your husband will more than likely destroy him. Keeping it to yourself might destroy you. Let me just say this it might have been better to have an affair with someone he didn't know. That would be easier, but with one of his friends, NOT GOOD, I think that will upset him more than the affair it's self. I had cancer 13 years ago and I think I would have understood my husband finding relief from someone else. I could almost accept that it happened, but not with one of my friends.
So, my advice to you is suck it up, run as far from this other person as you can. Then concentrate on making your husband happier than he has ever been. Ask GOD to forgive you and then forgive yourself and don't ever pick it up again.
2007-04-11 06:42:35 · answer #8 · answered by Diane T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So your Husband battles for his life and needs you at this time more than ever... you cant win the battle of your impulses and sexual desires, and now are contemplating not even telling him?
Do i have it all right?
Honestly you might not want to tell him, it is unthinkable that this could even happen and i would not trust such a weak woman to be my wife if she cannot be strong over a 6 month period where i am literally fighting for survival.
YES TELL HIM. You have to right the wrong somehow. it will be hard , but if he finds out some other way it could be even worse. you have to earn back his trust. Good luck. your really gonna need it
2007-04-11 04:54:21 · answer #9 · answered by lankford01102 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I know that to go without sex once you are use to it is hard, but come on....I don't understand how you could do this while you HUSBAND was going through the most difficult time in his life...imagine if the tables were turned and you were the sick one and instead of being by your side he went and slept with one of your friends...could you forgive him? Could you understand it? And don't lie to yourself and say yes just because it makes you feel better...you know the answer would be no. As far as telling him or not I don't know...that's on you...I don't know if I could live with that on my conscious. I just feel bad for your husband...He deserves so much more....
2007-04-11 04:54:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't tell him. He has enough pain from the cancer. Your telling him may make his condition worsen. Just stop the affair and be a good wife if you truly love him. You do realize that an affair is a totally selfish thing don't you? I'm not judging you, but as a wife, the vow "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" was put in there for a reason. I wish your husband a speedy recovery and I wish you luck in dealing with the guilt.
2007-04-11 04:51:46 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋