How to do deal with parenting values.?

Question

I live in a nieghborhood where the parents do not give their children space. I strongly believe that my children (7&9-they are only allowed outside without supervision ifthey are both outside ) can play outside without supervision and they are old enough to understand boundaries, make right choices, handle conflicts or know when to tell a parent. Three neighbors disagree, when the children move, they move they are almost attached to their children.I want my kinds to grow up to be independant and not have to rely on people for everything. I am an allergy sufferer so I do not spend much time outside, I check on them from time to time. The mothers informed me I need to supervise my children if they are to play with theirs, I do not think I should have to changes my values. One of the mothers even called the school twice to say my kids are unsupervised, my husband had to meet with the principal and youth officer who agreed it was an issue of values. Moving is not a choice, what to do?

Answer 1

First let me say I agree with you 200%. I know a mom who actually got into the blowup pool with her (4 year old) son.
But you can't change their minds about parenting style (I don't agree with calling them values since it leads one to believe that someone here is in the wrong).

But I do worry for the kids. I can totally see these moms not letting their kids play with yours or letting them come to your house. And you don't want to be known as the lazy woman who lets her kids run rampant in the neighborhood. So I will suggest a little tongue-in-cheek visual conformity in the form of:

Walkie talkes for the kids & you so that the other moms see you making contact
Some snazzy new backyard toys (or a BIG fence) so the other moms don't see the kids at all
Emergency-only whistles for the kids (can be annoying but hey - they asked for it)
A megaphone for you (I know a woman who does this!)
An agreement for the kids to come home every 15 min. to check in with you
LOTS of yard/garage work for you, coincidentally when they're outside too

If you can find a way to befriend the moms you should. Perhaps then you can at least agree to disagree. I sure do feel for you. Good luck. Maybe one day you can get them to read this book "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)" by Gavin De Becker. It changed the way we parent our kids for the better.

Answer 2

I know what your saying, and I'm not going to say that the other moms are right, but let me say this-
It's a bit personal, but I think it's worth sharing.

I was playing outside with a bunch of other kids when I was 8 (get this exactly 8 years old right in between your kids that’s what made me have to say this.) there were a ton of us kids and we were all having a water fight. One kid (only a bit older then me) and I ran behind a tree to get out of the water. He used to come over to my house all the time and he was a good friend. I was about to run back when he old me that we should stay there and make a hideout for the other kids. And right after saying that is when he molested me.

I know that not all kids are in danger of this, but this was only in the cover of a tree with other kids running around. I knew what boundaries were, and I didn't like what he was doing but with all those kids messing around whose to know a water fight scream between a real fearful scream? I'm defiantly not trying to freak you out, but I just wanted you to think about the way that those other mothers (no matter how bad they are at showing it) may be fearing for your kids.
I had to struggle for years to not be afraid of boys. In fact I was 13 before I could hug a mail classmate without shaking.

Maybe just try to not agree with these other moms, but instead appreciate what they are trying to do. Maybe even tell them that.

If your the big person in this and thank them, you don't have to change your ways of parenting, just show them that you can enjoy the fact that they care.

Answer 3

Anytime you have values or ideas that go against the "norm" you are going to be subject the the scrutiny and criticism of others. That is not to say that the way you feel is wrong, just that the majority of people in your area feel it is. You have a couple options:

1. Put up with it and stick to your guns, but realize you are going to have to deal with the scrutiny.
2. Conform so you don'tt have to worry about it.
3. Move to an area where the people are more like-minded.

I hope you understand that I am not trying to say that your values are wrong. I, personally, am more laid back with my kids and have a similar view. Fortunately, I live in an area where everyone tends to mind their own business, so it's not an issue.

Answer 4

I agree with JenGem it is so scary and even though your kids may trust you and love you....there are a million reasons why they wouldnt tell you if some one hurt them. Consider asking the concerned parent over and explain your side and see if they have any ideas...ex I have a lady across the street, she can barely walk and is raising her grandkids (they have no yard) since my kids and hers love to play together, I go over and walk them to our yard and they can play together safely...we have a big open yard and we set rules that they must stay where we can see them & we keep the window open or go out with them. God Bless