help what do I do?

Question

I have posted a few threads before regarding my daughters dad, to cut a long story short he is a high amphetimine using and shows no intention of coming off, the case has been going to and from court for more than two years now. He at the moment gets an hours supervised contact at a contact centre on a monday from 6 - 7. In the past around twelve weeks he has only managed to turn up on time once, last week he was over half an hour late claiming it was because the clocks went forward and he'd forgot! Tonight he was again 15mins late and before I went I'd decided that I was going to wait the 15 then go, which I'd tried explaining to her the best I could and that I would make it up to her on Tues. She was a bit upset about having to go, but unfortunately on the way out he come zooming round the corner on his bike, and looked all gormless like nothing was wrong, so for a change I send my piece to him which I do bitterly regret because my daughter who is five was ther though i wasn't shouting or anything, he come up with feeble excuses which never seem to ring true. He was a violent partner which resulted in the break-up and seems to have been on a downward spiral since then which was over four years ago. I was young when I had my daughter and was very much scared of him, I'm not now which is why I believed I spoke my mind to him.
What would you do in this situation? I have got an appointment with the solicitor so will be getting his advice as well. He failed to turn up to court on the last appearance and is usually always late for that as well, i think the judge is getting fed up with him and his own solicitor definately is. I don't believe he gives my daughter any of the emotional or parenting support that a child needs and I believe she needs to know where she is at, she can't really be going to a contact centre forever and I can't see him changing his ways. I really thinking about stopping the contact all together and sitting my daughter down and explaining why, but without slating her dad just so she understands, then deal with the consequences from the court because I do believe I would be completely justified in doing so or do I perservere with it and hope for the best. This is really having bad affects on my own relationship and me mentally now an dI don't no what to do anymore

I only live 5mins from contact centre so the times are ok she's always in bed for eight.
I'm sick of going to court and being pushed into allowing contact, I have an appointment with my solicitor on the 16th and I'm really going to push for it to be stopped, my daughter doesn't speak about him during the week at all and I believe it's because she doesn't see him as part of her family. I'm not saying it's a nic ehting to see a child in a contact centre but it's a starting point and he can't even adhere to that. I really want to stop it but i'm scared of the consequences legal;ly. I would not stop her from seeing him when she is older. I no my daughter and i no she would hate any unsupervised contact with him, going to his house etc, he doesn't have a clue what she likes dislikes. She only likes contact because there is loads of toys to play with, I do no it's not him

Just so u no i do hate the guy but i ain't out for getting revenge anymore, i just want what is best for my daughter, which i believe in the long run seeing him will do more harm than good. whilst ilived with him he had another daughter he used to see at weekends, i was the one looking after her, he's let her paly out on a busy street at just three yrs old, he wouldn't no were she was sometimes, he's leave blood needles hidden in her room and porm mags, sick to me and it makes me feel sick to think what may happen to my daughter tom continue seeing him

Answer 1

I had a similar problem with my 4 boys. When I left my ex partner I was 7 months pregnant with my 4th. I went to a womens aid refuge and was ther until I was rehoused. Social workers were already involved due to the violence and they helped me to get clothes etc. When I left, he was just so obsessed with me that he kept showing up at the refuge and following me round town. I arranged with the social workers for him to have supervised access to the boys, but he kept botching it up either by not turning up, turning up drunk, or asking the boys who slept in mummy's bed etc. My boys at this time were aged 4, 2, 1 and connor was just a tiny baby. It was causing the older 2 a lot of stress and when he didn't show, it was me who had to cope with the behaviour. So I stopped all contact. He wasn't happy about it at all and kept going to the court and social work complaining. As it's a small place, he did kept showing up from time to time which wasn't very nice, but I stood my ground. However, as the boys got older they started to want to see him. I told him he'd have one chance and allowed supervised access. It wasn't perfect but we managed to sort it out. My boys are now aged 15, 13, 12 and almost 11. Their dad has now accepted that I'm not going to be with him and sees them regularly. He also has cut down on his drinking. My children are all old enough to understand things a bit better now and if he's been drinking, they just don't see him. My advice to you would be tell him he has one more chance and if he lets your daughter down, then he doesn't see her. But be prepared to let her make her own choices when she gets older and be there if he lets her down again. Good luck!

Answer 2

You need to be the one who does the right thing.
You also need to be detached and cool about this not angry. You are hurting for your daughter..but by taking her there you are doing all you can to help her have a good relationship with her father. You can`t make him do the right thing and turn into a decent caring father.

It seems like the judge won`t give him unsupervised visits....so it`s just the one hour once a week.

Are there any activites you can do with her if he doesn`t turn up. Can she do an activity book with you, read some books or play with toys while you read a book.

I think you should continue to turn up at 6pm and take your daughter home at 7 pm. If your ex is there or not is HIS problem. If he only gets 30 mins...again his problem. Make sure you note down in your diary what time you got there and what time he got there....you may need it for evidence later.

Don`t even ask him why he is late ......just be indifferent. You know he`s an unreliable jerk. Unfortunately, your daughter will also learn that sad truth very soon.

Answer 3

Your daughter needs contact with her father. She will remember the sacrificies you made for that to happen for the rest of her life.

Although you weren't shouting with your partner, your daughter will be able to sense 'bad vibes'. Children love listening to adult conversation. Think back to when you were a child and I guarantee you will remember listening to adult conversation and perhaps overhearing things that you weren't supposed to hear or understand.

If he is a user - whether drug or alcohol dependent, the fact that he gets there at all is something of a miracle.

I would speak to him or an intermediary to let him know that if he is late he is cutting into his own visitation time. You should pick your daughter up at 7pm regardless. Anyway by the time you get her home and in bed it is late enough for a 5 year old.

One day, not too far away, your daughter will be able to make her own mind whether she wants to see her dad or not and it will be on her terms. Until then, maintain the contact so that she can make that important decision.

You sound like you are doing a wonderful wonderful job. Keep on going girl.

Answer 4

I do not know what else has happened as I have not read your other information, but from what you say your daughter obviously really wants to see her daddy. If he is not missing the visits and is not always late it appears that he is still trying to be there to see his daughter. Unless there is abuse both physical or mental towards your daughter then I would not stop the visits. His lateness is an inconvenience to you and understandably you are finding it difficult to wait so long to have a man that has abused you show up for a weekly visit. Your daughter though is not really aware of how late he is unless you pass this information on to her. As her parent and guardian it is up to you to take care of your daughter. That means to also take care of her heart, protect her from unnecessary sadness and to help make her visits positive and upbeat. Right now she is too young to understand what is happening with her dad, it would only hurt her if she could. She will in time realize that dad has problems and hopefully you will assure her that he still loves her but the drugs make him behave in a bad way. It sounds as though you could use someone to talk to about what you have been through with this man. It is very difficult to recover from abuse, still see the abuser, and have to put up with what seems to be disregard for you and your daughter. Perhaps a counsellor or a pastor might be someone that could help. If the court decides that your husband should still have visits then perhaps the court could appoint someone to take your daughter to and from the visits as well as supervise. That way you won't have to see him or be subjected to the stress of his being tardy. Eventually things will work themselves out. You may find the best way to deal with this is to forgive and help your daughter grow up knowing that her parents love her no matter what. Protect her from the ugly truth while she is young, allow her to be a carefree child. Too soon she will see things as they are.

Answer 5

I don't think that these visits are having any positive effect on your daughter. She's too young to understand whether he's late or not and why but she does know that she has to hang around and wait for him and that you are not happy with him or his behaviour.

I don't think a judge would disagree with your feelings and I can't see him/her telling you that this man is a positive role model for your child and needs to have access!

I would cut all ties with him while she is still young enough to move on easily. If she grows up and wants to see her dad you can't stop her and she'll be able to make up her own mind.

I think for her sake and yours, you need to get away from him. It's causing you a lot of stress and is preventing you from moving on in your own life.

Tell your lawyer all of this and ask him where you stand legally. Once you stay within the law, you'll be ok.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you both.

Answer 6

Personally if I was in this situation, I would cut all ties with him. He cannot give ur daughter any support within the 1hr supervised access can he?
Your daughter cannot benefit from this.
He doesn't seem like he wants to change, and when ur daughter grows up this is all she is going to remember her father for..!
I think u r right when u say u want to explain to her why u want to cut ties with him, I know ur daughter is only 5yrs old but if u keep ur explanations simple im sure she will understand..x

Answer 7

Unfortunately, there is no judge in the world going to prevent him from seeing his child unless he is a threat to the child.

On the other hand, if you were to offer him a deal, such as not having to pay child support if he gave up his parental rights, you may have a solution. Many men have done this just to keep from going to jail when they can't pay it.

Otherwise, I am afraid that you have a long road ahead of you unless he ends up in jail for drug use. Believe me, I have been there--it is not fun.

Answer 8

All I can say is that I have great respect for you for putting your child first even though is obvioulsy is very tough on you. Good luck and I am sure which ever the out come you will do the best thing for your daughter

Answer 9

dont stop your child from seeing her dad as this could come back on you let your child see him keep going every week as it shows your child that you want her to have contact with her dad let your child make up her own she will realise soon enough what he is like you dont want to be the person that your daughter dislikes because you stoped her from seeing her dad

Answer 10

Good Grief I would have stopped it long ago, if someone was taking drugs I wouldn't let them near my children. You are totally right to ask to stop his rights. He is useless he is upsetting you and your child and if he cannot even be bothered to show up on time he should not have the right to visit her.