Alcholoics Anonymous, dating and panic attacks?

Question

My boyfriend John and I started dating 1 yr ago when he was 4 mths sober. In Aug. he stop going to meetings and in Jan. he suffered from server panic attacks and he had relapse with alcohol. Since Jan. John has been seeing a psych., psychiatrist, and going to AA. John's new sponsor is advising him to focus on his studies and in return we have been spending less time together and on the phone. He now asks his sponsor for advice before coming to me and sometimes not coming to me at all. I feel so left out of his life because he choices to speak to his sponsor instead of speaking to me.
His mom was just diagnosed with thyroid cancer today. He told his sponsor before telling me. His sponsor suggested for him to focus on his studies because he can't do anything about the cancer tonight. So my phone call with my boyfriend was 5 mins. with him telling me that he already spoke about how he felt. Am I wrong to want him to speak to me? Is this a phase? Will he ever ask me for advice?

Answer 1

As a recovering alcoholic, sober 7 yrs, I went into rehab 3 times before I finally got it. I would go to AA meetings, meet a guy, start dating and then eventually stop going to meetings, stop talking to my sponser and just concentrate on this guy, who was also trying to stay sober and usually he would have a ton of issues, all of which I would want to fix for him. That is why it took me 3 times in rehab before I finally got it right.
You can't stay sober when you are trying to fix someone else. It takes your mind off of your own problems and makes it easy to relapse. There is a saying my sponser told me and most people in AA know it well. In your first year of sobriety, buy a plant. If after one year, the plant is still alive, then buy a cat or dog. If in another year, the cat or dog is still alive, then you are ready to start dating. Staying sober should be a first priority for a drunk because without that, he or she can never have success in any other aspect of life. Being around an actively drinking alcoholic is hard and no one can fix him or her. They'll either end up taking you down with them. So, no offense to you, please believe that because it is so true, but you can be his friend because it sounds like he has alot of hard times ahead, but for him to stay sober through all of this, he has got to have his sponser there because his sponser knows exactly how he feels and how much he wants to drink. It's like, you have to have someone who has lived through the hell to help you get through it . And it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you at all! He probably cares about you alot but he knows what he has to do to keep treading the water and keep his head above the water and not drink. He knows that if he doesn't, he runs the risk of dragging you down with him and you'll both drown. Remember, YOU CAN"T FIX HIM ! But you can be his friend and support his efforts to stay sober. He sounds like a good guy who is working his AA program and when he is ready and steady, you can choose to still be there or not. If you choose to move on to someone else romantically, don't beat yourself up. It's is a very hard thing to do--falling in love with an alcoholic. And you sound like an awesome person who wants so much to help him and you are, just by being there for him. This may sound old but if you want to find out more, find an Al Anon meeting and go to it. It is for family members and people who love alcoholics. You will hear alot of stories and some of them are not pretty, but no one can help you more than someone who has been there. Good Luck to You!!

Answer 2

When someone is newly sober, AA usually advises that it's best for the alcholic to not be in a relationship so, they can focus on their recovery. Your boyfriend needs to be very very close with his sponsor at this time. It won't always be this way but, he has had 1 relapse and you wouldn't want him to relapse again, by him talking to his sponsor it will keep him focused on what he needs to do to remain sober. Being an Alcholic is not an easy thing. It's very hard to stop drinking especially when you have many stresses in your life due to jobs, illness in the family and sometimes just getting out of bed. Now more than ever, he will need your support and understanding. You need to encourage him to do everything and anything he needs to do to remain sober. It's not an easy thing to do. To help you understand some of what he is going through, you should go to an Alanon meeting so you can learn more about the disease and what you can do to help him. Eventually, he will ask you for advice and he will be able to talk to you more but, the first year of recovery is very important for him to stay close to his sponsor and go to a meeting every day.

Answer 3

I understand what you're saying, but this is a man who is wrestling with addiction. He's already seen how powerful it is. Do you have any experience with beating an addiction? Do you have any firsthand experience with alcoholism? If not, that explains why he goes to his sponsor for advice all the time. When you are dealing with an addiction, normal life problems have an additional component in that the emotions they bring on can easily trigger another relapse. Clearly, he doesn't want that to happen. In time, he may feel more comfortable in his ability to handle life without the constant shadow of his sponsor, but right now, he doesn't and you need to respect that.

I was married to an alcoholic for nearly 10 years. He went to AA and I went to Al-Anon. Even though we were married, he usually went to his sponsor for advice, which I was very happy for. It didn't make me less of a wife. Think of it this way ... if he were suffering from diabetes and sought professional advice in dealing with it, would you feel slighted?

If you want to be more a part of his life, you're going to have to be more of a part of his recovery and maintenance. Go to Al-Anon, read up on alcoholism, learn about it.

Answer 4

You shouldn't have got in a relationship with an alcoholic!!!!! Four months sober is a start, but far from being any better. I am almost 3 years sober and still have an urge to go out because I don't do anything at home. I have to keep myself busy and not get bored. I hope this helps. God bless.

Answer 5

It's probably better for you if the 2 of you drift apart.
You sound pretty young and naive, and living with an alcoholic (and he will ALWAYS be one) is not a bed of roses.
Anyways, if you want to be with him after all, then you should see that all the positive steps he's making will benefit YOU in the end. That's because he'll be a better person for having worked on himself first.

Answer 6

Lighten up, lady! This poor guy has enough on his plate without some clingy broad whining about why he doesn't talk to her enough. If your relationship is meant to be, it'll survive this. But you won't know unless you give him a chance to get his life in order--his way.

Answer 7

Take it easy. Let him focus on recovery. If it's meant to be, it will become easier with time (he won't always need to be so very tight with his sponsor).

Answer 8

Im sure hes just going through a rough time and wants to be sober for his mom, himself, and you! just give him space and be there for him! when he feels better he'll come to you! the more you worry the more you'll aggravate him!

Answer 9

try to be part of the cure instead of part of the problem. Why don't you go to alanon so you can get educated about his situation and how your relationhip with him is.

Answer 10

sorry kid, move on... these sponsor people not all mind you.. are sometimes the cause of bad things..