My spouse is very very close to his ex lover who is currently living in another country. I wasn't aware of this until i came across some mails in the system (he had forgotten to log out) with her name; curiosity got the better of me and i snooped and found very close talks going on. Her husband is also not aware of these "discussions" and she has asked my husband to not ask for her if someone else takes the call. Is this just friendship? Can they forget the emotional attachment they had earlier and be just friends? Or is this an emotional affair that's going on. I am highly confused, upset, angry and feel helpless. Please help
2007-04-09 23:09:17 · 18 answers · asked by kamini 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The simple answer to this question is 'Yes', if it is out in the open and they are communicating as friends.
From what you have written they are having a 'cyber affair' as neither spouse knows about it.
You need to sit down with your hubby, tell him you found the mail and would he like to explain it to you. If he get's angry then this is his defence mechanism at work and he will probably turn it around on to you for 'snooping' through his mail.
Unfortunately they are probably 'playing out' the 'what if' fantasy. And we all know What if? never works.
Do not feel helpless as you have done nothing to feel that way and do not wear his anger. That is totally his.
You have the right as a whole human being to know why these communications are occuring? Why they have been kept secret? And you would like them to either be open for all parties or stopped.
As his wife you deserve his total committment and respect.
Not an easy place to be I know.
Take care and best wishes.
2007-04-09 23:23:56 · answer #1 · answered by sag_kat2chat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To answer the question of "is this an affair?" is simple
1/ Does one partner hide things from the other partner? In this case - yes.
2/ Does the partner feel entitled to have something that his/her spouse is not allowed to be a part of? Again - yes.
3/ Would the partner do/say/act the same way with the other person if the spouse was present? No I don't think he would be having these "very close talks" if he knew you were aware of them.
So in essence they are having, or on the verge of, an affair.
Now its up to you. You have to let him know you know, and tell him who that makes you feel.
His first reaction will probably be defensive "How dare you check my PRIVATE e-mail" Why does he need the priviacy if there is nothing to hide? Then "its all in your head" and on to "Its your fault as you don't make me feel - whatever"
How do I know this? Been there, done that.
What you do from there depends on too many factors to go through here. But take care of you.
2007-04-09 23:27:00 · answer #2 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Come on now, pull up those big girl panties and get over the past. He's moved on, with your best friend none the less. You go, you have a good time and who knows who you might meet? Every wedding is an opportunity to find the real Mr. Right......which this guy is not! Be strong, you can do this! Okay, lets edit, SHE moved on with your best friend, get over it. I guess you might find Ms. Right at the wedding, not Mr. Right. Gender doesn't matter, the advice is the same, get on with your life, she has! Who cares if it was 5 months or 5 years, relationships end everyday. You are going to be one sad, lonely person if you spend the rest of your life longing for the one that got away. Go catch a new one, maybe it will be right this time! You deserve more than you are giving yourself!!!
2016-05-21 05:05:40 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Friends with Benefits Maybe, Just Friends, probably not. I feel for you, because there is a loss at hand, If he allows himself to give her quality time via phone, computer, whatever, your loss of his time and emotions, Unfortunately, your responded feelings have merit, but no value. The best possible solution is to communicate a role exchange to him, eg: What if You had a male ex-lover, now good friend would he be OK with your restructured relationship with your ex-lover? If he is and would be and you believe him, then I would say his restructured relationship is as said, but again, what you have is a RESTRUCTURED RELATIONSHIP, relationship being the KEYWORD! And any relationship aside from your marriage takes away from your marriage, some more than others, others more than most! Dont let anger/hurt dictate any part of your response, allow your LOVE to maintain during communications and solution stages.
2007-04-09 23:52:18 · answer #4 · answered by dweeks 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to the guy about how you feel. And no need to get upset about the whole thing. If you new it that he had a past . Don't let your emotions effect You. feel strong and not helpless.Ask him. And email her a nice letter. not a angry letter.Let The Other know also how you feel .But in a nice way. may be your answer will come out to you. You'll see that You are not highly confused.Good Luck.
2007-04-09 23:35:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, former lovers can be friends, but in your case it sounds like they are still emotionally involved with one another. Perhaps the mails you found were from a rough time when they felt closer to someone with a little distance. Don't be accusatory, but talk to your husband. Ask him why he'd hide that from you. Explain that you don't want anything to jeopardize your marriage to him, but that you want to be able to trust him... and then listen to him when he explains. You could be overreacting or you could be perfectly justified. Without communication, though, you'll never know.
2007-04-10 01:49:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes they can as long as its casual. But sometimes its hard to be friends especially with your ex-lover. If your spouse secretly communicate with his ex-love, well something is fishy going on and for me its a violation of trust between married couple.
2007-04-09 23:23:51 · answer #7 · answered by zmarc 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, ex-lovers can be friends, and feel they have to hide it from their spouses exactly for the reason you are writing. Because people often jump to conclusions.
For Pete's sake, she's in another country!
2007-04-10 00:29:45 · answer #8 · answered by Quartz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. You can be friends with your ex. It just takes a level of maturity.
You have to step back, and pretty much start over again as friends.
2007-04-09 23:14:08 · answer #9 · answered by Chris C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can still be friends with your ex-lover. He might be hiding it because he doesn't want you to be uncomfortable with it. tell him it's o.k and it's better to be open about it. How close were the talks though? You should have been able to tell by the content, as long as they weren't flirting, it's o.k
2007-04-09 23:19:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋