Notice(d) any red flags?

Question

Recieving divorce papers is something that most married, engaged and even single individuals (like myself) hope to never experience. Such a traumatic event can kill the most loving relationship/friendship between two lovers and toss the individual on the receiving end of the divorce into a whirlwind of confusion.

Q 1: For those of you who are divorced, did any red flags and/or warning signs pop up early in your relationship that made you feel that things might not go well in the future?
Example:Your former husband/wife became very controlling at one point or another during the marriage.

Q 2: For those of you who are currently married, engaged, and/or cohabitating with a potential long-term spouse, have you noticed any red flags popping up in your present relationship?

Mature answers are strongly desired and appreciated. Thanks.

Answer 1

Q1) We were married for 19 years but the red flags were there after 6 months of marriage. That was when I found out that he dated another girl up until 2 weeks before our marriage. He later cheated on me and I stayed until I couldn't and wouldn't take it anymore. I found out that he was engaged to someone else at the same-time that he was engaged to me. He still tells me - well I chose you - yeah that works! i would have saved me a lot of heart ache if i would have left as soon as I said I DO
Q2)I just got married on Feb14th 07, i see some red flags but they have nothing to do with other women, just his ex wife who refuses to follow through with what the divorce papers say.

Answer 2

Divorces are started even before marriage. By that I mean that most people do not talk to their fiancee about the important things before getting married. Such as how each feels about money, saving it, spending it, one could be a penny pincher and the other a shopaholic. Probably the number one reason of divorce. How about how many kids, when, how they will be raised, etc. Or sports, when to watch how often, etc. I was married and divorced too young to even consider these things. When I remarried, my wife and I talked long and hard about what we both wanted, how we would go about getting it, etc. I found the perfect wife because of this.

Answer 3

I wouldn't call it a red flag.My marriage was pretty good right up to the end so I thought. We rarely argued or had a disagreement until the last month we were together in the same house.My ex would spend a lot of time on the phone with her friends after working with them all day.She was also cheating and I didn't have a clue it was going on. Our schedules were irregular so it was hard seeing any signals.
I noticed she was more irritable during the last few weeks but I contributed that to her job.She always complained about her job.She wasn't controlling but she was very opinionated. When she told me she was cheating things changed really fast after that.She filed for divorce about six months after the split. It ended very badly.

Answer 4

the guy sounds insecure with control issues (from what you described). The fact that you're asking the community for opinions should be another red flag! Here are two courses of action: 1 - you leave him or 2 - you address these issues with him and then make a mutual decision on what will be the next steps. if you're semi-serious about this guy you'll make the obvious choice... will give you some insight on future dealings with him

Answer 5

Yes, there certainly were red flags, all of which I ignored unfortunately. Friends would tell me things about him that I chose not to believe...like, he was cheating on me. He would swear up and down that these friends were just trying to date me and to not listen to what they were saying, but a few years later, he ended up confessing that it was all true. There were many other signs as well, such as theft and the way he handled himself. He would always blame someone else or just say it wasn't true, but things always have a way of coming out eventually - after we were married. Be careful if you are in a relationship and sometimes others can see your situation much better than you can see it for yourself. Don't automatically assume rumors are true, but don't brush them off either. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 6

I never heard my husband raise his voice until 20 minutes after we were married. I spent the first two weeks of marriage with NO AFFECTION from him. Then I found out he was an addicted gambler. Next flag was he couldn't (wouldn't) keep a job. And after he lost one, it took him a long time to look for another one. He lied to me about small things so I figured he'd have no problems lying about big ones. Oh yes, there were flags, flags, flags.

Answer 7

Been married for 2 years, chose to look the other way when I found out he likes to give me white lies and he exhibits insensitivity in certain situations. He's a lark and I am a night owl - these things get worse when you settle down. People often never change. I know nobody's perfect, but never compromise on trust and your basic emotional needs (make a list if need be, and make sure your partner has all the qualities you're looking for). It could be a huge problem later on, like it is for me.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Honestly yeah I am married now and going through counseling and looking more and more like a divorce. For us I think we both always knew the passion just wasn't there. I think when you stop growing together and just stay still, that is a sign that things are going sideways on you.

Answer 9

Married for more than 20yrs and the only flag I see
is the flag of love , loyalty, and committment, so
there are definately no red flags in this marriage.

Answer 10

A 1: Yes, i just didn't want to see them. He is controlling, violent and has a lot of anger issues. I learned to cope, i turned into a more controlling person than he was, and ended up getting worn out.

I'd advice you to please open your eyes and accept that he is human, and if something just doesn't "feel" right, talk it over, before it turns into an unresolvable issue.