Doubts about ending marriage, is this normal?

Question

married 12 yrs. a few times there was physical violence. at the end emotional abuse. alot of arguing, resentment and lack of respect. at the end i had a relationship with another man. I always think of how things could be if we could make things better. but how do you stop wondering what if and start seeing things as they are. I want my kids to have parents that live together, that are happy and in love, but I don't think he and I will be happy together.i don't know why, i've tried to fix it for years.I just don't trust that things will get better. they haven't in 12 years so why now?but I can't help but have doubts and worries about my kids unknown future pop in my head. my anxiety is over the top trying to adjust to this new situation. and i know if i take him back alot of the other worries would go away.I know its normal to have ambivalence about ending a marriage.or so i hear.I'd love to hear from others who have been there and tell me how they moved past the doubts and what if's

Answer 1

yes, it is normal. but based on what you have said you must move on now and don't look back for yourself and your kids. living in denial will only prolong the abuse and agony for your whole family.

Answer 2

BOTH partners should:

- Always be happy to see the person when you come home at th e end of the day. The interaction you have in the first 5 minutes will set the mood for the whole night. If you're home and you are watching TV and your wife is coming home from work and you just glance at the door and say "hey" then that's not good. Same if she does it to you. When I hear my fiance coming home I hear the lock and I jump up and run to the door to greet him. The other days of the week, he gets home before me, so I call him and tell him which bus I'm on and he'll meet me at the bus stop and walk me home.

- The person who gets home first should always look around the house and make sure it's at least a little bit clean. Make the bed, run the dishes, vacuum, and wait for the other person to come home. Of course you should rest too, but if you have time try and clean up a bit. Definately don't make any MORE messes. She shouldn't either. Of course, every once in a while it's ok - you can't expect perfection 100 % of the time.

- Ideally you could take turns cooking , or if one of you hates to cook, the one NOT cooking should do the dishes, take the trash down, etc. etc.

- Both of you should surprise eachother once in awhile. Since you both work you both have money. She can buy you your favorite fast food or a video game ; you can buy her flowers or a new dress.

- When one of you wants to complain about your day; the other should listen.. Some days she might have a bad day and want you to draw her a bath.. other days you might have a hard day and need a foot rub..

- If there are kids, both of you should take turns to watch the kids while the other partner can go out with friends. At least once a week get a babysitter and go out alone. At least once a week go out somewhere as a family - even if it's just to McDonald's or to the store.

- Always make sure things are equal. I usually don't cook, I clean only about half the time, do the laundry about half the time, and I hate running errands and taking down the trash. In return I make sure the bills are paid, appointments are made, help my fiance do his homework when he doesn't have time, I bring him a cold drink in the shower when he comes home from work, etc. etc.

Answer 3

OK - first thing, be aware that having doubts is normal. Second, if there's ever been physical violence, don't let the doubts stop you. Emotional abuse is worse in some ways - being more insidious. This is not someone that will change. While you may still love him, it's the other end of the equation that is lacking. No matter what he may say, if he's abusive he doesn't love you.

He may love some idea of you - an idea that you fail to fit - and as a result he becomes abusive. If that is the case, then wake up to the fact that it's really not you he is in love with... It's something he's made up - an expectation of you.

If you care deeply for your children, then you have to keep something in mind. You are teaching them what is acceptable everyday. While you stay with this person you are saying, "Yes, abusive behavior is acceptable."

I'm sorry to say it, but you have to focus on one day at a time, and move yourself ahead as bravely as you can. If you don't you'll regret it. Maybe not today, but one day - and for the rest of your life.

Answer 4

You had a relationship with another man. Whether there was physical violence or not, by cheating, you put the final nail on THAT coffin. There isn't any justification. Marriage isn't a series of incidents described by 'you made me do it' and 'you were asking for it' and 'if you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have done this' even if that is how it ends up sounding in divorce court.
What ifs? If you take him back, you both will have to work hard on making the marriage good. Are you willing to do that and is he? Things won't get better if you continue doing what you have been doing. Are you even good marriage material yourself? Is he? Do you basically deserve each other? Can you make things better because you both love your kids? How about if you're not sure you love each other but you want to make it work so bad, you're willing to stop having childish attitudes about being 'in love' and loving your 'soul mate'?
A marital counselor would try to sort out some of this but don't bother getting back together without some level of commitment. One of you would try to jump ship at the first opportunity.

Answer 5

Okay, here's my best shot. So, if you take him back. some fears will disappear, but then you will fear for your life because he has been physically violent with you. So, in essence, one type of fear is replaced with a different type. which type do you want to live with? or would you rather raise your children in an environment that is non violent? Emotional abuse can be just as scarring to both you and your children. Children learn what they live. If they see you take him back, you are sending a message to them that the way he mistreats you is okay. It's a scary world leaving a marriage and there are so many unknowns. Your husband has made you think/feel you can't survive without him, that you are a worthless person? Sound familiar? It does to me. Don't let anyone steal your dreams or your happiness! I was afraid that being alone would be worse than the other pain and turmoil that I was in constantly. The first step is scary, but each step gets a little easier. Remember the reason you sent him packing in the first place.

Answer 6

It sounds like you two have only grown apart and the feelings that once were are no more. Deep inside you still care for him but dont really love him but wish you two could return to a period of time when everything was perfect but in reality your relationship is coming to an end. Youre not sure about the kids feelings and dont want them hurt. You must face reality here and deal with the facts, no matter how bad they are. Everyone facing a possible divorce have the same feelings and doubts youre experiencing especially when facing change. Divorce is a change and is very scary with lots of unknowns, but life goes on and so will you especially for your kids. There is no easy way of dealing with the effects of divorce and everyon deals with their feelings differently and in their own way so you must find your way of dealing with this and everyday things will get a little easier. Good luck

Answer 7

I've been where you are, but without the violence.

Yes, ending a long time marriage is a difficult decision to make. You think about what will happen to your kids and you might even worry about what will happen to your spouse. You'll know that you are ready when you decide to do it and there's nothing that can be said or done that will change your mind. It will be all forward from there on.

Good luck. And don't let anyone ever hit you again.

Answer 8

I'm so sad to hear this because i grew up in this situation and to be honest with you I'm a little ****** up. Physical violence should never be tolerated leave and leave now because that one time could be your last time. It's better for your kids to grow up with a single mom than to grow up thinking that hitting is okay. If that happens they could marry into the same situation and that would make you feel even worse. After 12 years if he hasn't tried I think its time. Do something that empowers you like getting a great job it will give you a boost, then leave. Good luck.

Answer 9

When I started reading your question I thought it was me a few years ago - but without the physical violence. I was also married for 12 years, and had two young children. I separated from my husband first. I think that can tell you alot about how you feel to be free of him. Honestly, for me it was so much easier just taking care of my kids, and not wondering where he was, who he was with, and what he was lying to me about.

You might need to try to reconcile one time to see if things can get better between the two of you. I had to try one last time to salvage my marriage and family before I could completely give up on it.

I wish you peace of mind, and strength to get through this unhappy, stressful time in your life.

Answer 10

You're going through a very rough time and I feel for you. I've been there. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. We can love someone and know, in our heart of hearts, that we're not meant to live together as husband and wife.

Your children do deserve two parents, and even divorced, they will still have them. I would rather model healthy, divorced parents than unhappy, married ones any day.

Think about 5 years from now--when all of this is a distant memory and you're settled in your (new?) life. The pain will be gone and you'll be okay. Hang in there and just keep pushing through. The pain sucks but you can get past it. And, as someone who has been through the Hell of divorce and came out the other side, you will be okay. You will be okay.

Hang in there and good luck...

Answer 11

Yes having two parents is better than one for the kids in most cases, but do you really want your kids seeing the arguing and violence? That is not good for them at all. You don't want them to grow up and treat their spouses that way, or think it is ok to stay with someone that abuses them. Find someone who will love you and respect you and tell your kids that is how it is supposed to be.