baby won't sleep, parents don't see the problem?

Question

I am a nanny taking care of a 5 month old baby girl. She doesn't sleep through the night, and rarely sleeps for more than 20 minutes during the day. I am worried about her not sleeping, and have asked the parents if I can try implementing a sleep routine, but they told me that the baby knows how much sleep she needs, so they would rather she "tell" us when she's tired. I don't agree with this method, and I'd like to suggest something to the parents. Any suggestions on how to approach them, or other things I can do to help her "tell" me she is tired. (I think children are the ones that need "told" they are tired)

Details on baby's behavior during the day:
She tends to be very fussy when I get there (1 pm) and it usually only takes me about 10 minutes (if given solid, uninterrupted time) to put her to sleep). If she manages to get into a deep sleep without noise or commotion around the house waking her up, she will sometimes sleep for as long as 2 hours (that has only happened once in my two weeks there). If she can't get into a deep sleep, she is awake in 20-30 minutes, and then she refuses to do anything and needs to be held all the rest of the day. I am not there full time yet. Only 1-5 right now. I am not ever home alone with the baby, because the grandma (who agrees with me somewhat) is always there, and the mom comes in and out of the house alot. The parents are saying that her crying is because she is getting used to me, but I really think it's more from lack of sleep, because given 15 minutes with her, I can usually get her back to sleep if one of them doesn't intervene.

Answer 1

Well, the credible experts agree fully that sleep and good sleep habits are learned, and babies need help in that area. That a 5 month old isn't sleeping through the night is neither unusual nor problematic -- babies sleep through the night when they're ready, and I wouldn't focus on that at all absent factors indicating that the parents are in some way preventing the baby from sleeping through.

The "catnapping" problem may be real, and I'm assuming that, as a nanny, it's something that effects you directly (in that I assume you're taking care of the child during the day.) What are you seeing with the baby during the day? What happens before she sleeps? What happens when she wakes up? Etc. To be honest, I would be extremely surprised if the baby isn't already "telling" everyone when she's tired -- the trick is to identify what the baby's "sleep signs" are and to gently point them out to the parents when they occur.

I think that baby's sleep signs, and some of the means to helping babies sleep better, are counterintuitive for most new parents. But an inability to sleep is certainly a common sign of an overtired baby. Can you post more details on the baby's behaviour? Maybe that will help in figuring out how to approach the parents and have yourself heard.

In the end, though, of course the choice of how to parent is up to the parents. I happen to agree with you that babies need help when it comes to sleep -- the myth that "baby knows best" is, well, a myth. But if the parents don't agree with that approach and insist otherwise, you'll have to ultimately make a choice whether to respect their parenting philosophy or find another position. (But first, of course, do what you're doing now, and try to find a respectful and successful way to show them their baby needs sleep help!)

Quick question: do either or both parents read on this stuff or have an interest in reading about this stuff? Because there are some good books out there that you can suggest -- the one that comes quickest to mind is "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," by Marc Weissbluth.

ETA: Based on your additional information...you've only been there 2 weeks, part time -- yes, there may be some legitimate sleep issues -- the fussiness indicates she's tired, sure -- but hold on here, you're new to the picture! Take a step back, please. And if you have nanny experience then you know that babies go through different cycles with sleep and nap habits. For goodness sake, at 5 months she could also be teething, and fussiness and catnapping rather than being able to get into a good deep comfortable sleep is about as typical as you can get where that's concerned. In addition to which, with your schedule, it sounds like you don't know what's happening before you arrive, and you may also be arriving at prime nap time, so of course the baby would be fussy. Please take a step back here.

Answer 2

You can tell them from me that I think 5 months old is a perfect time to start instituting sleep training. It's much harder to start once they are older. If the baby is healthy and doesn't have medical issues, this is a good time to start training them to sleep through the night. My baby wasn't sleeping through the night at 18 months (still waking up 3-5 times a night) so I finally had to let her cry-it-out. It took a week, but now she's finally sleeping through the night. It's a lot harder once they can say "Maaaamaaa!"

Kids need a good solid routine, and babies need their sleep. I would recommend the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". This is a wonderful book which many parents have used to get their kids to sleep. It talks about how much sleep babies need at each stage of their lives, and how we can help them get there.

If you implement a bedtime routine, or naptime routine, those certain "cues" will help the baby get ready for sleep, like a bath, and low lighting and music and stories. I think if I didn't give my baby a bath and put her pajamas on and lull her to sleep, she'd stay up until 10pm and then be really overly tired and cranky the next day.

Answer 3

Babies tell you they are tired by fussing and getting cranky. It's the only language they have.

Since you watch her during the day, I don't see a problem with instituting a daytime sleep schedule. Put her in her crib after a bottle when she's fussy, and let her sleep. She'll wake up when she's hungry, so feed, play, put her down again when she gets cranky.

Do you also watch her at night? If so, a simple bedtime routine is all you need. Bath, book, bottle, bed. The baby will adjust easily. Many babies wake up once in the night to feed at this age.. neither of mine slept all the way through until they were older. If she does, feed her but keep things dark and quiet, and put her right back down. She should go back to sleep.

Answer 4

I also have a five month old...and he is exclusively breastfed...and does not sleep through the night either...and I don't expect him to anytime soon.

He does take two naps during the day..but sometimes at least one of them isn't for more than a half hour.

He has a regular bed time at night and his regular nap time in the morning is at 10 am....I try to put him down again in the afternoon...but he doesn't seem to stick with that one.

You are an employee, and if you were continually telling me how to raise my child, even though my research, and my pediatrician and my child were all on the same page....I might be tempted to find someone who could "get on board".

You can offer suggestions...but it isn't your child. My daycare provider has been in the business for 20 years, and I have enough faith in her to allow my child to stay with her 8 hours a day...but do I question my own judgement because of her "experienced" suggestions?? No Absolutely Not.

On the other hand of that...you are alone with the child all day are you not? So what's to stop you from implementing (or inflicting) a daytime regimen?

Leave their family time to them.

Good Luck

*****

I wouldn't be conspiring with grandma either...Ganging up on the parents isn't going to make them change their minds either...

Is the child always like that? Or is it possible she is just adjusting to you? My son has been seeing our daycare lady for two months ..and he seems to like her...but he doesn't sleep for her like he sleeps for me. I can rock him to sleep in about 10 minutes....she's only been successful once.

I would give it more time...before I start trying to "take control" of the situation. Once they learn to trust you and see you in action...they may be a little more open to your suggestions...but for now...you're practically a stranger coming into their house...telling them that they don't know what they are doing and convincing grandma to take your side....that's an awful lot of imposition for the few weeks you've been there. Just from a parents perspective...my personal gut reflex would be to think that ..."well the nanny's job is easier if the kid sleeps all day...of course she wants to make baby sleep."

Answer 5

Well as far as sleeping through the night, yes the baby will do it when she/he is ready. My first two didn't sleep through the night until almost a full year old, my third was sleeping all night by about 5 months. As far as naps during the day, 5 months old is a little young to force to take a nap, but as she gets older you could lay her down to rest at the same time everyday. Mine sleeps from 1-3:30 every afternoon. Just make sure you stick with the same routine. If she lays down she may eventually start sleeping and will "learn" to take a nap. But at least she is resting.

Answer 6

You could try reading the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, and then offering it to the parents. I think it would do you BOTH some good. It is not normal (or even healthy, since it increases the risk of SIDS) for a 5-month old to sleep through the night. See my sources below if this is shocking news to you.

In the end, though, it is your job to carry out the parents' wishes. If you try to talk to them and they still don't agree with you, you will have to either forget about your differences and care for their child the way they are paying you to care for her or find a new job.

Answer 7

It is your job to care for the child in the manner which her parents prefer. If you were my nanny and continually made suggestions about how I raise my child, I would search for a new nanny. I understand your heart is in the right place, but the bottom line is that you are the caretaker and not the parent.

MOST 5-month-old babies do NOT sleep through the night, and honestly our society has a nearly obsessive fixation with this supposed "milestone". All kiddos eventually sleep through the night; don't worry needlessly.

Answer 8

I have a 11 week old daughter ,and since she was born she has always slept in my bedroom. She has her own bassinet ,and doesnt sleep with my husband ,and I though . My sister in law made that mistake with her son . He always slept with her ,and never slept in a crib. He was in bed with her until he was 6 !! He was so insecure ,because he had never been on his own so to speak . I plan on keeping my daughter in my room until she is a little louder, and when I feel secure enough to be in another room all night away from her. I honestly think it is a personal choice . If you feel secure enough for your baby to be in another room then great, but if you want baby close to you, which most parents do , then you go for it, and dont listen to what others say . After all its your baby . All the best to you ,and happy baby making .

Answer 9

Sorry but i'm sidig with the parents here afterall it's THEIR KID!!! NOT YOURS you don't get to make the rules & if you can't comply with them maybe you should consider not being their nanny anymore. There are a lot of differant sleep patterns that babies can have with my 1st daughter she slept great and took real long naps which was great for mecause i got a lot done but my son who is now 7 mos old takes little cat naps many times through out the day much like your describing adn thats perfectly okay for him and thats what he needs i'm sure the parents talk to their dr. and if there is no prob. then you need to comply with their rules...sorry for sounding harsh but they are paying you to take care of their baby and you should be albe to follow their wishes.

Answer 10

So long as the pediatrician thinks everything is okay the best thing to do is to provide the best possible sleeping environment for the baby and give it a little time.