GUYS, a question about women and insecurity?

Question

Guys, I've always thought myself to be a pretty hard-working, totally independant woman who's confident in my looks and abilities. I've recently gotten engaged and have gladly given up a portion of the lead role to my soon-to-be husband. And though I would have NEVER considered myself to be "insecure" I overheard him saying that about me to his buddy, not in a "talk about me" kind of way, but in a "statement" kind of way. I was flabergasted! Admitedly there was a situation with is ex that prompted me to feel insecure - to make it short they have children together but I KNOW she was putting the moves on him. Anyway, what I want to know is how can I now disassociate myself from this horrible title of "insecure" without be too abrupt as to further damage the relationship? How can a woman keep her own seperate life but still be "marriage" material in your eyes? It seems we women are damned if we are too independant and damned if we are too needy. What is the middle ground?

Everyone I really appreciate your comments (for the most part) but I wanted to clarify that 1. I don't want him to know what I over heard, I only want to NOT appear to be that way. I want to be the best wife I can be, not a nag. I admit that it's hard for me to deal with the fact that he has to talk to her because of the children, but when she calls him at 10:30, 11 at night when it's NOT related to the kids, I have a definiate issue with that and I'm not insecure about it. She's just plain disrespecting me and I won't have that.

Answer 1

He may not actually think you're insecure at all! I'm not sure the context of the conversation, but sometimes saying that is the easiest way to explain something away to an outsider. Besides, guys don't have the largest vocabulary, especially when it comes to describing emotional/relationship issues, so "insecure" might mean one thing to him and another to you. I would not worry one bit!

Plus, men don't generally think insecurity is a big deal or a huge character flaw--many of them readily admit to being insecure about a lot of things including their partners' ex's, their performance in the bedroom, their income level, their strength, their height, their weight, etc.

Besides, as you've said, you have every reason to be insecure about his ongoing relationship with a former lover and the mother of his children. So is it really the end of the world even if you ARE insecure?? I'm sure your husband does not respect you any less, even if he does think you're a little insecure (which, as I've said, he may not even believe).

As to this other woman, you should simply inform your husband that you have a few things to discuss with him and ask when an acceptable time would be to sit down and go over them. When that time comes, calmly and firmly let him know that you have certain expectations that you fully intend to have met in order to be happy and comfortable and to have your life the way you want it. Then present him with the reasonable list you have made (no late night calls from the ex, for instance). Be open and invite him to set some boundaries/expectations of you as well.

Answer 2

You are confusing two different things. He meant you were acting insecure, not that you are insecure. You could be confident 99% of the time and 1% insecure. The second is a broad lining statement that you are an insecure person.
Besides I don't believe insecure was the word for the situation that you described. You talked about his situation with his ex, about her putting moves on him etc, this is jealousy not insecurity. I think you should talk to him, tell him how you feel. Tell him what if the situation was reversed and I had a child with another man that I had to deal with on a constant basis because of the child? How would he react to you dealing with an ex on a regular basis? If he tells you it wouldn't bother him at all he's lying it would make him feel jealous as well. However, in the big scheme of things if a little jealousy is the bad as opposed to the welfare of the child in having a relationship with both of his/her parents, that's a small price to pay.
Lastly: It's not only women, men are damned in the same respect when it comes to all kinds of things. You can be either a) a stoic unemotional rock or b) an overly sensitive crybaby. Where's the middle ground? Finding someone who you can truly be yourself around then things like gender lines and social acceptability get thrown out the window.

Side Note: Silence your comments were utterly moronic, perhaps they were right when they said Silence is Golden, practice what your name preaches and we would all be a whole lot smarter.

Answer 3

He is.......wrong. His idea of insecurity is wayyyyy off base.
A woman who doesn't like her man to look, speak, or associate with any other woman is insecure.
A woman who doesn't mind if her fiance's ex is hitting on him is........a woman who does not really love him.
I'm sure that it is embarrassing to you that he'd tell people that. Maybe he's kind of proud of the fact that you care about him enough for it to piss you off...do you think that's why he said it?? Regardless, you need to talk to him about this BEFORE you get married...find some way to start a conversation about it.
You are not a robot. There is more to you than just a "hard working, independent, confident person".
You are a flesh and blood woman and you love him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. OF COURSE IT BOTHERS YOU IF HIS EX IS HITTING ON HIM!

Please sit down with him and try to figure out what his idea of marriage is....and yours. Forget the notion that you can be married and yet keep a seperate life unless you want to be quickly divorced.

The first rule that should apply here is a simple one, but it will be the most important throughout your marriage:
Always respect the other person's feelings.
If she is hitting on him in front of you, he MUST be understanding enough to realize why this makes you uncomfortable and try to protect you from that...as I am sure you would him. Otherwise, he should go find a woman to marry who doesn't love him.
To answer your question, there is no way to be married and have a separate life at the same time. What's the point of marriage if not to share your lives?
It is a COMBINATION of neediness and independence that makes a marriage work. It is giving and receiving.
I truly wish you the best of luck, dear. I hope he can see into your heart enough to know you are not a silly little jealous school girl but a woman who is deeply in love.

Answer 4

You are really to worked up about this. So he said to someone that you were insecure. What's the big deal? Everyone is insecure about something. Don't sweat the small stuff. Perhaps you are a little insecure about how people perceive you? Which, is pretty common among us humans. He has his flaws and so do you. Your making more out of this than it is. Really! Let it go...

It's not your place to worry about some other woman putting moves on your man. She can't steal him from you. If you trust him then don't even think about it.

I know you don't want to be labeled insecure by people but your questions leads me to believe you are a little insecure. Which, is fine and means little if anything. Trust me it's more of an issue with you than anyone else. Just live, love, and enjoy what you have.

Answer 5

Is it possible for a woman to find a middle ground? I don't know never seen that happen. Everyone has their insecurities! No one is perfect. If he proposed to you, then he already thinks your marriage material. If he thinks your insecure about the ex, well that would be normal for anyone. Just as long as you don't get jealous or anything, I mean they do have kids together and will probably need to talk from time to time. "You women" think to much, and its thinking that made you write this question. Be yourself, we know he loves that, or else he would not have purposed, right?

Answer 6

If you are so secure, why are you acting insecure about being called insecure? If the title does nothing to affect your true level of personal security, your response to it might. You could shoot yourself in the foot by going off over something he perceives as "small".

Of course there is a balance point between being secure so the title irrelevant, and addressing a felt issue.

Procedure:
1) Get right with you. If being called insecure makes you feel insecure, then maybe your arent as secure as you like to think you are. Figure out who you are before interacting with him.
2) After you know that you are secure, you have to determine if this is a big issue to him or a small one. If the aftereffects of bringing out the nuclear arsenal costs more than the benefit, then dont bring it out. Be able to measure this before continuing.
3) After you know that your security is a big issue to him, and that the cost of your strategy is overwhelmed by the potential yield, even if you are wrong, then you develop tactics to talk to him.
4) no matter how it turns out, sit back and ponder about it. This is how to make the most of your learning opportunities in life.

Answer 7

Be your own person! that's all you can ever be. Tell your soon to be hubby that you were not trying to ease drop but you overheard his conversation. Don't be accuatory, but inquisitive. Ask him for specific examples of why he feels that way. If he has a foundation, admiting that you are insecure in that area of your life is ok. (we all are insecure in some area of our life, it's just different for different people). Just make sure he understands that he had better not confuse your insecurity in one aspect of your life to insecurity or weekness in others. That will tell him that you are still your own woman but that you still need and want him as well. That's the fine line that your looking at.

Answer 8

I think men like a certain amount of independence but like to do things for their wife/girlfriend. A woman who is too needy is not attractive to me at least. You say you are confident. Men find that sexy too. Stop worrying about your soon-to-be-husband because he chose you over the ex. He will be tied to her through the children and that is something you need to accept. You should be OK!

Answer 9

Perhaps your problem comes from the fact that your soon-to-be-husband already has a family that he is responsible for.

He cannot commit to you fully because he has other family responisibilities.

And you also don't want to commit to him fully because you want to keep a part of your life separate from your soon-to-be-husband.

When men and women commit to each other only to some extent and not fully, then it's normal for both of them to feel somewhat insecure about their relationship and marriage.

Perhaps this is what your soon-to-be-husband was talking about.

He feels somewhat insecure himself. And he thinks that you feel the same way.

Answer 10

Just continue to be yourself. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. It is very natural for you to have a little insecurity about someone he had kids with, he would be that way too if it was the other way around. Respect yourself for who you are and don't worry what other people think or say.