I'm a Mom of a teen (whew, pray for me) & she's needed more discipline this year than ever. But her stepDad?

Question

My husband takes things somewhat extreme with her groundings. He's a great Dad to her (her real Dad is absent much of the time, but she loves him to death) but he's only been a parent for 2 years since we've been married.

We've done the thing where the bio- parent does most of the discipline at the start of the marriage but again, she needs discipline. She's a good kid but she is a kid, she gets into trouble sometimes.

He'll do something like tell her in June that she can't do something in December. He hits straight where it hurts with an annhiliating blow right off the bat when it doesn't take all that. He told her in November she couldn't go to the 8th grade prom. Uh... the punishment I'd given (we'd given) her sufficed I think up until New Years. (she lied about something and I found out the next day)

I respect him but sometimes when he opens his mouth during our disciplinary talks with her, I cringe as much as she does. She sees a united front of course, but what gives!?

WOAH, ZOMBIE... he hasn't laid a finger on that girl.
We do not BEAT her. Are you being serious? Hmmm.
When I said "hit" I meant ... forget it.

Wow, great advice you all! I'm doing that TODAY, Carly. I'll bet you're an outstanding teacher. Thank you so so much.

Awesome awesome answers. They really help. Again, there is not hitting, not on my husband's part. He does not hit her. Sorry some people misunderstood what I was saying.

To the Mom with the 16 year old you should feel rewarded because by sharing your struggle and lesson, you have greatly helped my family to grow.

I can't pick yet... I want to thank you all so much. ~ ~ ~ Sleek

Answer 1

I am a teacher of teens, and I can tell you the only effective discipline is when the consequences are immediate and " fit the crime". To take away a privilege that is months away ( like the prom) is really counter productive and serves no good purpose. Unless your disciplinary tactics change , I believe you will have some rocky days ahead with this child... and in your new marriage. For starters, try the Two Minute Dialogue when an issue comes up. You talk for two minutes without her interrupting you; she just listens. Then, she talks for two minutes without anyone interrupting her. Good , open, honest communication is the first step to resolving the issue at hand.

Answer 2

Run, don't walk, to a Love and Logic class. It teaches a great way to parent kids of all ages. Another great book is "Positive Discipline" by Jane Neilson.

My husband is also an overreactive kind of guy - like "you kids settle down back there are youre walking home" or "if you don't put away your gear you are off the team" stuff that doesn't make sense except to him. We have all learned, unfortunately, to dismiss what he says, ignore his input, and work it out between us - mom and kids. That means I never get a break from being the disciplinarian.

I totally agree with what was said above about making sure that you and your husband discuss what action to take before you present it to your daughter.

Also,make sure you are all clear on the rules ahead of time so there are no surprises and she can't claim that she didn't know.


Q: How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. She holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her!

Ü

Answer 3

I'm also a parent of a teen (2 of them)... My 16 yr old is in a facility dealing with 'troubled' teens, the decision to place her there was very difficult. This program however involves a serious look at my own parenting skills. With my younger teen still at home, we have been able to practice these new skills.

First, Accountability... When communicating with your teen, ask these questions... Are you accountable for your actions? (in the case of lying for example)... Then What choice or belief led you to your action? (Most times, this is the "true" reason for the lie)... My son will give "I didn't want to get in trouble" - - or "I thought you would be mad"... Lastly, look at what can be done to make a new choice the next time around.

I know on the surface this sounds "cheezy" - - but most families come from the perspective of "RIGHT or WRONG"... When simply issues arise from WORKING or NON-WORKING choices.

With that said - I'd like to address your husband (new dad)...My guess is that he does not have experience with kidlets. And his choices to "drag" out a punishment are from patterns he learned as a child. If the two of you were to sit down and create a list of what is allowed and not allowed (SUCH AS A FAMILY VALUE LIST) - - and also outline corresponding consequences to the actions, then the united front that you believe your child sees would be true.

Do not lead yourself to believe that your child sees a united front, as you have shared... You cringe when he talks about punishment. Teens are quick to pick-up on this and use it as a tool for manipulating parents against each-other.

Much Luck & Love from another parent who has been in your shoes.

Answer 4

Have you talked to your husband about this. While yes she should see a united front. You and your husband should take time and talk about what punishment fits what crime, so to speak. So that when the time comes, you know what you both have come to agree on before hand. That way you have an idea, let him know how you feel, that sometimes he goes overboard, and come to an understanding. Make sure that she understands this is done out of love. The last thing anyone wants is for them to end up hating each other. If he is as loving to her as he is strict, she will learn to love and respect this man.

Answer 5

Do some research on "Love & Logic" techniques.
There is no rule that says you have to dole out the punishment right then and there...especially with older kids. Acutally, it's a very good idea in most cases to tell them something like "I'm very disappointed in the decision you made about (insert the bad choice she made here). Your dad and I are going to take some time to discuss what the conseqeunces/punishment will be and we will talk to you about our decision after dinner (or whatever time works for you). "
This accomplishes 2 wonderful things:
1) You two can agree on the punishment instead of one of you spitting out terms the other doesn't agree with.
2) She has time to think about what she did and worry about how much trouble she'll be in (reflection & remorse/regret). This is sometimes just as "torturous" as the punishment you give!

Answer 6

Food for thought: has the teen been shown by *example* that lying is never acceptable to you? Or has it just been "getting caught in a lie"? If it's the second, then there's new groundwork that can be laid.

Consider Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny . . . has she been taught by example that sometimes parents lie, that's just the way it is? That makes it all a power game, rather than an exercise in trust and ethics.

Easter's over. The slate could be wiped clean with all forgiven and mutual trust and communication established. I believe such would be easier than the power games.

Answer 7

How old is she? Sounds like your scared 2 say something. and since you are the bio parent maybe it should be your job most of the time and not his? I think he needs 2 talk 2 someone since this is his 1st kid . maybe instead of telling her what to do or what not to do...talk about them things with her ,and help her make the right choices? Not making them for her. Because then she will go off n the the complete opposite. She needs to learn things on her own. and she will lie about things from time to time but what teen doesn't? its not as big deal as u think. just keep in mind what you did when you two where teens.

Answer 8

First off I would like to say no man should put there hands on a little girl even if it's her boi-parent I'm 31 years old and my dad never put his hands on me but everyone home is different and that is not helping her at all she is going to worst I know that's your husband what if in a few years you all get a divorce then she will hold all that against you,you have to be careful in this life time things has change.And kids today are different.Good LUCK P.S. you may want to seek help for her now to see why she is acting out there is a reason for everything.

Answer 9

It's almost painful to hear you discribe your husbands actions.
How would you feel if someone treated you like that?
It sounds unfair, it feels unfair, and it is unfair.

It sounds like his way of raising your daughter is by giving in to his own anger.

How is she going to behave from June till December, if the punishment is already given and can't be averted? Personally, I would develop a 'what the heck' attitude overnight. The prom is lost anyway, so what possible incentive is there to behave any better?
For next years prom? I know that is gone the second I step out of line once. Sorry, I couldn't live like that.

You are soo right on the united front. This is totally not working and it drives a wedge between you and your husband, too.

Get yourself a book on parenting. A good book will address this, it will address the urge to punish, and it will address the necessity of positive remarks too.
Talk to your husband, he needs to behave like an adult, not kicking and screaming like a toddler.

Answer 10

Hi Mom,
I am a step Father as well, and I have learned something or a view to take into consideration. He entered the family(your daughter and you) that already existed. As an outsider he sees things that you and your daughter do that both of you may not. You may want to talk to him about how you see it, and how he sees it to better understand where he is coming from. All in all you both to some degree may not like the input, but for different reasons? Just something to think about=)