How would you feel?

Question

I am a stay at home mom for my 4 month old little girl. I am only 25 so I still consider myself young and since this situation is new it has been difficult transitioning. My husband is 29 and he works full time. We live with his parents while saving for a house of our own which makes the situation that much harder. My problem is this...I deal with all the problems and he acts like nothing has changed. He hardly ever helps with the baby and when I ask him to he grunts and groans about it. He leaves for work an hour early like before we had the baby so he can play baketball at his shop before work. He sits and watches an entire movie where I'm lucky to get in a half hour show. And worst of al, he's in bed by 8 every night while I am up with the baby until 10 because his family makes soo much noise she wont sleep until the noise stops. How would you feel about this? I just feel that I shouldnt be the only one whose entire life has changed since haivng a baby.

I always say how much I would love to just sit with my legs up and watch a movie straight through or get a full nights sleep and you would think he would offer to fulfill one of those things for me. But no. My birthday and Valentines day just passed and it could have been a gift from him to me to give me one or the other. But you know what I got, a nice big box of nothing. He didnt give me a gift for either or take me out somewhere I wanted to go. Should I rethink this marriage or am I overeacting?

He has never hit me or anything,. but he said that if I left him or tried to take the baby away from him he would kill me

I have reason to belive he is serious

Answer 1

One thing I've learned about men is they don't take hints worth a flip. You have to be direct and come right out and tell him what you want from him. Assume you have done this and he still doesn't help and continues to do his own thing. Well, maybe you do want to rethink this marriage.

He sounds like he's taking you for granted. No birthday card or gift? No valentine's day card or gift? I would be so hurt if my husband just ignored special occasions like these. Guess he doesn't have to worry about keeping you since he won you and has you stashed at his parents house with a newborn and no job.
Bless your heart. It must be really tough on you with this going on while you're hormones are adjusting to your recent delivery (congratulations, btw).
If you're having trouble discussing these things with your husband try seeing a counsler. If he won't go, go alone.
You may want to consider an extended trip to visit your family.

Answer 2

There are a couple of things here. Your husband goes to work every day and "brings home the bacon" so to speak. You're home all day with the baby. From his point of view it may be that he sees the baby as your responsibility and the money making as his responsibility. When you ask him to take care of the baby he may be seeing it as you putting your responsibility off on him. I'm guessing he's not aware of just how demanding taking care of an infant can be.

On the other hand, his job is limited to a certain number of hours a day and he gets a break from it. You're "job" is 24/7 and you need a break too. And you're right you both brought this child into the world and she needs to know both parents and both parents need to bond with her.

Is it possible that your in-laws would babysit sometime so you and your husband can go on a date. Since you're saving for a home you don't want to spend much but even just a walk in the park would be a good idea so you can reconnect with each other like you used to before the baby.

When things are calm and you and your husband can have a conversation without stress, let him know how much you love him and appreciate him. Let him know what you're feeling about the division of labor. Do this in a non-judgmental, non-complaining way and see how he responds. He may offer to take care of the baby for a few hours on the weekend so you can get a break and go out with your girlfriends or just go for a walk. Communication is key. You need to be able to express your feelings with each other constructively and lovingly so you don't end up years from now with harbored resentments.

Answer 3

I totally agree with you. A lot of men don't understand everything that you do especially b/c he is away all the time. I would sit him down and tell him that you love spending time with your daughter but you need a break too. If he wants to keep you and the baby around then he needs to watch the baby while you go out with some friends for a while. Tell him that although he works and has to get sleep what you are doing is just as hard. You have to be up with the baby early in the morning and all day with her. He needs to help, he certainly helped make her. Good luck and try asking his family to keep it down at night so the baby and you can get some rest.

Answer 4

You need to talk to him and tell him you need some help. Make it clear that you can't do this by yourself. Has he ever been with the baby all day by himself? Without the help of his family? Challenge him to do it, or maybe just walk out one day when he is is off from work. He needs to walk in your shoes. Now as for your Birthday, that is unacceptable. You need to tell him that Birthdays are important to you and you really expect a gift. It sounds like you two need some "alone time." Would the in-laws watch your baby? If he is going to bed at 8 and you are tired and going to be at 10 then your sex life probably sucks too. If your husband isn't happy with the sex he really isn't thinking about helping you or acknowledging your B-day. You two definitely need to reconnect. Sit your husband down and tell him this is really serious. Don't overwhelm him by crying or talking too much, he'll just want to run. Just get your main points across. Or better yet write him a letter, telling him you love him but that things have to change. I have been married for 17 years. I was married at 20 with my first child at 23 I feel your pain. Don't give up, you will get pass this. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

Look your young and have more energy than most people over 40 so all I can tell you is just hang in there . It will get better as babies sleep habit will change . Oh but if your really saving for a home make sure you check that bank account and see that the money is really going where it is supposed to. Plan for your future after the baby is big enough for you to put him in day care and get a job to . That will make it easier to move into your own home . I know how it feels living with parents .

Answer 6

I would feel like I was being taken advantage of.

Is there something you can work out where he takes the kid on the weekends or one night a week so you can get some time off? That might help.

It sounds like you know how you feel, you just don't know how to talk to him about it. Tell HIM your concerns and see what he says. Then from there, you should be able to decide your course of action.

Congrats on the new baby and good luck!

Okay, just read second part. You need to do more than talk to him, it might be time to seek some outside help. He needs to get his act together and realize that you are a family and he needs to take part in his family.

Answer 7

You REALLY need to sit down with your husband and say, "Hey, look, this is OUR baby - Not just mine. I didn't get myself pregnant so you need to be more considerate and help more or I'm gone."

He's 29 and he's acting like a 19 year old would act. Actually, no, a lot of 19 year olds would step up and be a better husband and dad than this guy. Tell him he has two weeks to get his act together or you and your baby are moving out.

That may seem drastic but, lets face it, his parents are making things difficult and your husband is making things difficult. You're doing everything by yourself. Without him and his family doing what they should to help out, they're just making things harder. You'd be better on your own.

Be stern about this.

Answer 8

girl, you just said something about just wanting to put your feet up and watch an entire movie....(or something to that effect) so DO IT! You are RIGHT...you didn't make that baby by yourself, don't care for it alone. The child will be okay....

You have to TAKE your time..steal it. I'm sure there are many of women who've been in your same situation, and will tell you that they don't change much most of the time. You just have to do whatever it is you want...and learn to say no.

You don't have to feel guilty about not caring for your child....instead what you would really be doing is caring for your family as a whole. Families need to be raised, just as children.

Good luck!

Be like Nike....Just Do It!!

Good luck!

Answer 9

Its only been 4mths. Your husband is working trying to make money for your family to move out on its own. Just try and tough it out a little longer and give your husband a break. Soon your baby will be a little older and maybe he can ask his parents to babysit while you get a job to help out. Im sure hes stressing enough trying to support for the both of you and a new baby.
He uses basketball to release the stress. Rent a workout dvd and release some of your tention. You can sit next to the baby and do yoga or something.

Answer 10

I would feel alone. You're a good mother and you're making up for a bad father and a bad husband. My wife and I just had a baby and we enjoy sharing the baby and sometimes squabble over who gets to hold him, so I couldn't imagine her not taking any interest in him. It's different for guys. Unfortunately, some men stay immature for a very long time and never get what it takes to become a good father...or a good husband.