My husband is threatening divorce if I have an abortion. What happened to "for better or worse"?

Question

I'm 27 and have been married for 3 years. We both have very well paid jobs and would be able to give any child the best of everything. Problem is I don't like children, never have never will and my husband knew that from the start. He told me he was more than willing to give up having children if it meant spending the rest of his life with me. We’ve taken every precaution possible short of doing something permanent which my doctor said was out of the question given my age and the fact that I haven’t had children, to make sure we don't get pregnant but here I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don't want this baby. It’s going to ruin everything, all my hopes and dreams for the future going down the drain. I feel like I'm being punished. He told me that me aborting would be the one thing he would never be able to get past since he considers this baby a miracle given that it was conceived against all odds. What happened to for better or worse? My parents and my best friend who's been trying to conceive for the last 5 years think I'm being incredibly selfish, but they're not the ones who'll have to deal with a screaming baby when it arrives. Adoption is out of the question because my husband refuses to let someone else raise his child when he’s perfectly capable of doing so himself. Having the baby, divorcing him and letting him raise it is out of the question for me because of the way everyone including my friends and family will look at me for abandoning my child when I never wanted it in the first place. Why can't anyone accept my decision? Why should I have to lose everything because of a baby I never wanted in the first place?

He can't go to court to stop me from doing it because I won't be doing it in my home country.

Answer 1

Well, you are right in one respect. It is your choice--to have the abortion and lose your husband. Or to give birth to the baby and let your husband deal with raising it.

Why must there be a split if you have the child? Since both you and your husband make such good money, why not hire a full time nanny to raise the child, and you can play part-time Mommy whenever you wish? There is a segment of society that does this anyway. Why not join them?

In the meantime, I am afraid that I side with your husband. If all you want to do is to kill his child, just so that you can be spared the inconvenience of it, then he is entitled to divorce you, and I hope he does. Because I don't think that anything is going to stop you from doing exactly as YOU want. You seem to be that sort of person.

Answer 2

I am also a married "career-oriented" woman who has decided she does not want to have children, so I understand your feelings completely. I am also married to a man who said that he was fine with not having kids... and then later, felt differently. However, we've never been in your position because I've never gotten pregnant. I just mention this because there seem to be a lot of women here who are judging you for not wanting kids in the first place... and that's not the issue. So here are your choices - yours and your husband's because it is his child, too. You two could 1) have an abortion 2) have the child and raise him or her as your own or 3) give the child up for adoption. Those are really your only three choices. Whatever you do, you and your husband need to make this decision TOGETHER. Please talk to a counselor about this difficult decision. Talk to other people like family or clergy or if you need to. Perhaps you should also specifically talk to other women who did not want children and then got pregnant - and see what they did. I'm sure you're not the first person that this has happened to. You both have to find a compromise that will respect everyone's feelings involved as much as possible. As a responsible adult, one of the risks that you take when you have sex, even with birth control, is that you might get pregnant. It is no one's fault that you are pregnant. But now that you are in this position, you have to be mature about this, and you and your husband have to make a rational decision. And by the way, whatever birth control method you were using... I would recommend taking another look at it, and using TWO next time, like a friend of mine does since she cannot get pregnant due to a serious health condition. Good luck.

Answer 3

Oh my god, I just got done reading some of the ridiculous answers you recieved about your question and they made me mad! I'm just like you, I've never wanted children, and all my life people have told me I'll change my mind, I'm selfish for not wanting kids (? how does that make me selfish if I don't want children? weird logic) You are NOT being selfish in my humble opinion. Babies are cute but they do NOT guarantee a better marriage or relationship with your husband or family. Sometimes they make it worse! Your parents and best friend are being completely stubborn and ignorant - exactly- they won't be the ones staying up night after night as your baby howls and you don't get any sleep! Take a deep breath! This is YOUR choice and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Not even your husband. He misled you by telling you he didn't mind if you never had children; now he's doing a 180 even when you TOLD HIM FROM THE BEGINNING that you were NOT interested in having children. He knew the score back then and your family and everyone else does not matter in this very personal decision. This is your right, to do what YOU feel is best. If you think it will ruin everything - get the abortion. I think it's incredibly selfish of your husband to suddenly change his mind about this, especially since you talked about your feelings concerning not wanting children years ago. You ask, "Why can't anyone accept my decision?" Their opinions do not matter in this case. You have the right to choose. Tell your family and friends to keep out of your business. If your husband gets angry, just you remind him what you two talked about concerning children years ago, and how he KNEW you didn't want any, and now suddenly he's changed his tune. HE doesn't have to carry it for nine months. YOU DO. It's all very well for other people who won't have to take care of it to say that you are selfish, etc. but THEY won't be there at 3AM with a screaming kid. I say, go with what YOU think is the best way. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for your decision. This is your life, not theirs.

Answer 4

Well, my first question is.....how would you feel if your husband was wanting to kill someone that you really wanted badly. That's probably how he's feeling if he's not wanting you to have an abortion. He's seeing that baby as a little person who is a part of you and him.

My second question is, why would your friends and family look at you more harshly for leaving your husband and baby, and why would you care if you really don't love either of them enough to stay?

Sorry, but I too think you're incredibly selfish. That baby is his too, and you need to at least be willing to consider keeping the baby if that's what he wants to do. When you married him, and when you conceived a baby together, you gave him the right to have a say about it. I'm not saying you gave him total control, but he at least should have the right to have you sit down and listen as objectively as you can to him and hear his feelings........and give his way some honest consideration.

You have some time before you have to make a hard decision, so don't jump to any quick decision right now. Give it some real thought. And really talk to your husband without harsh words or anger. Be open to possible change. And, I hope he will do the same for you.

By the way.............your own child is WAY different than other peoples children. I'm not crazy about other people's children either, but I sure do love my own!! They are the most incredible, wonderful beings on this earth! :)

Answer 5

I almost can't believe what I've read. Honey, you really need to grow up. Life is not about you and your job. You could have all the money in the world, but without anyone to share it with, you have nothing. A child is a blessing. Your pregnancy is a miracle. God would never give you more than you can handle. He obviously knows you can do it. Your family and friends are right. You are being very selfish. I don't care what method of birth control is used or not used, if it's meant to be, it Willl be. My mother's family wanted her to abort me, but here I am. I have blessed many lives by being here and that includes the family that didn't want me to begin with. When they need something or just someone to talk to, they come to me. You wil hurt a lot of people, yourself included, if you have a abortion. That baby didn't ask to be here. You and your husband did that. Do you know that you could be carrying an American President? Your child may find the cure for a deadly disease. Your child may be the one to save your life someday. Think about this. WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T WANT KIDS AND ABORTED YOU FOR A CAREER. What would the world around you be like without YOU? I hope you decide against abortion. Good Luck with your pregnancy and your marriage.

Answer 6

I think the main issue is with you......
You need to ask yourself why you do not want a child?.
If you have an answer for that, then in the first place you should not even get married.
Or you should also ask yourself why you did you get married?
Take some time to yourself and be honest to yourself give yourself a chance to reflect on your own beliefs...

Once you are married you lose the right of thinking for your ownself. You have to put your husband and your family in this case your unborn child into priority beyond any other perks that you may think that you will have without having a child.

Having a child though tough at times in raising a child... but it also brings happiness that you cannot find materially or from anyone else. Experience the motherly love that you will give the child and embrace the innocent child that reciprocate the love back to you...

Trust me.... it may be a lot better than your husband as you grow older.....lol....

What is LIFE when there is you do not go through the cycle. Many would yearn for the opportunity and yet you are thinking of letting it slip by.............

This I think is an act of selfishness..... and do you think someone like your husband can ever stay with you knowing that thats what you think about all the time?????

Food for thought......

take care...

Answer 7

Wow this a sensitive subject. I guess first of all I would have to know why you hate kids so much...second of all if your husband has proof that you are pregnant and you terminate the pregnancy he could still press charges against you even if it was done in another country. Have you actually sat down by yourself and thought about this.. I mean things happen for a reason..could it be that God knows something that you don't. Maybe he thinks that even if you have the feelings you do now, that upon having a child that you would be a terrific mother. By the way not all babies are screaming demons. I have 4 children and they all were very good babies. Please do just this one thing...sit back and give this some thought before you do something you will regret for a lifetime...if you have to go talk a minister or someone......I never thought of my children as things that would ruin my life I thought about how I was going to raise them to be descent people who had respect for others and would go on to be someone that would make a difference in this world someday....I wish you well...I hope you will at least give what I said some thought...

Answer 8

Rightly or wrongly, this marriage is over if you abort. Its not a matter of who is right or who is wrong, or punishing anyone. I'm not trying to threaten you, I'm just laying it out. Your husband is either strongly against abortion or has possibly always wanted kids and is certainly not willing to (in his eyes) execute one. He's not going to come around. You could get an abortion, but your marriage will likely never recover.

While you probably felt that you had discussed plans, clearly as a couple you had not covered this possibility.

I find it interesting you say you wouldn't let him raise the baby on his own because of the way your friends and family will look at you. Unfortunately, your friends and family will think just as poorly of you if you abort against his wishes.

You've got three options:

Abort, and marriage probably collapses.
Have child, allow him to raise it, divorced.
Keep child and hope marriage survives.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that there is no way you can return to the status quo you had before.

Answer 9

Oh come on, stop whining. You'd have liposuction if you though it was going to make you Playmate of the Month material. My advice: have a cesarian or caeserian or however you spell it. Don't even look at the child. Go on with your life without your husband and get a quickie divorce. Give him total custody of the child and get out of the man's life. It will be the best decision you ever made, given your values and the circumstances.
Then leave your husband the hell alone.No calling him and saying you are lonely and you realize now that you bonded with that little baby you were carrying. Don't even bother to learn IT's name or sex. Forget all about this part of your life and go on and have a better, more fun, freer life. I am not being judgemental - and if you care about people thinking you have abandoned your child, you're a fool. You gave your child to his loving father. Get over it. You can't please everyone.
I've just given you the scenario for a way out of your problem. Everyone will be happy. Your husband will have the baby. Baby will have loving Daddy. You will have your valuable freedom. Take this prescription for happiness and run with it. If you have problems with the plan I have presented to you, then I have more advice for you. Stop whining and grow up, you moron. You don't deserve to be anyone's mother!

Answer 10

Some of this is harsh, and you may not want to read it. But please read the whole thing, I only write this because I hate divorce and I hate abortion. Both of them bring a lot of pain, to a lot of people, even when you think it won't.

First of all, it is his child too. He has as much right as saying what happens as you do.

Second of all, "for better or for worse" deals with disease and difficulty, not babies. Disease and difficulty are things that are not usually in your control. Stupid, foolish decisions are - this would be one.

You are being selfish, e.g., "I don't want this baby. It's going to ruin everything,all my hopes and dreams for the furture going down the drain. I feel like I'm being punished." Observe the demeanor of your attitude.

If you don't want a baby, then DON'T HAVE SEX.

If you truly do not want this baby speak to your husband about it. Make him realize that you don't want it, and that the life of the baby would be miserable with a mother who doesn't want it. Make him realize that adoption is the best option for you and your baby. Of course, this is going to ostricize him, so the end of your happiness is upon you. Unless, you do the right thing.

Do not punish the baby and take away it's gift of life for your life choices.

I have two children, a 2 year old and a 7 month old. The seven month old screamed last night, waking up our entire family. I was aggravated, and frustrated. However, when we all got out of bed this morning he looked at me and smiled and said "hay dadda." I'll never get that at a job - no matter how much money I make. The screaming and the smelly diapers are worth it.

We also lost a baby, and though we have two awesome kids, we'll never be able to replace that one. Don't do something that an older, wiser you will resent yourself for.

Answer 11

If you really had decided against ever having a child, you should have had your tubes tied years ago.

I'm sorry but I agree with most of the other posts. You did something and although it didn't work out the way you planned, it happened....So now you have to be a mature and good human being and try to be the best mother you can.

If I were a man and this happened to me, I'd wonder what kind of woman I've married....!
Abortion IS murder....No matter what people say.