My husband is threatening divorce if I have an abortion. Why can't he respect my choice?

Question

I'm 27 and have been married for 3 years. We both have very well paid jobs and would be able to give any child the best of everything. Problem is I don't like children, never have never will and my husband knew that from the start. He told me he was more than willing to give up having children if it meant spending the rest of his life with me. We’ve taken every precaution possible short of doing something permanent which my doctor said was out of the question given my age and the fact that I haven’t had children, to make sure we don't get pregnant but here I am 6 weeks pregnant. I don't want this baby. It’s going to ruin everything, all my hopes and dreams for the future going down the drain. I feel like I'm being punished. He told me that me aborting would be the one thing he would never be able to get past since he considers this baby a miracle given that it was conceived against all odds. What happened to for better or worse? My parents and my best friend who's been trying to conceive for the last 5 years think I'm being incredibly selfish, but they're not the ones who'll have to deal with a screaming baby when it arrives. Adoption is out of the question because my husband refuses to let someone else raise his child when he’s perfectly capable of doing so himself. Having the baby, divorcing him and letting him raise it is out of the question for me because of the way everyone including my friends and family will look at me for abandoning my child when I never wanted it in the first place. Why can't anyone accept my decision? Why should I have to lose everything because of a baby I never wanted in the first place?

Answer 1

I agree that you are in a difficult place but only you and your husband can make this decision. If you both start the blaming and finger pointing of "why can't you understand" and divorce threats no one will be happy with the outcome. You need to come together, try to see things from the other point of view, talk and make a decision. On Yahoo answers you will find people who agree with you and people who agree with your husband but you won't find an resolution to your problem.

Answer 2

while you might rightnow feel that you will be losing everything, has it ever occured to you that you may be gaining everything you never knew you wanted by having the child?

Yes, its your decision to have or not have the baby and its a very difficult one. And while the decision is up to you and yes, you have the final say, you must be doing some searching for you to have mentioned it at all to your family. If you were 100% hell bent on not having a child, ever, you would've taken care of this issue in private and no one would've been the wiser. It might be a good thing for you to relax and consider the options clearly.

Life can be complete either way, depending upon what you want, or rather think that you want. None of us know really what we want, only what we think we want, because we haven't been on the other side to see if that's maybe what we would prefer in our life. Problem with your situation is that you really can't sit on the fence too long. Now that you've involved others, the decision is not really solely yours anymore.

Answer 3

I'll try to answer as objectively as I can.

You are definately not the only person who has ended up with an unwanted pregnancy. Believe it or not, people have had children they definately did NOT ever want, and loved them to death when the child was born. I don't know if that's what would happen to you, I just know that sometimes, your hopes and dreams change when there is a child in the picture.

You complain that everyone thinks you're being incredibly selfish, but that's what you're being. I'm not judging you for that, but the only thing you're thinking about is how this isn't want YOU want, this will ruin YOUR life, everyone should support YOUR decision. You should really keep in mind that it is not only YOUR child. The baby is 50% his, and for that reason alone, he deserves to have you at least consider his opinions.

Ultimately, it's your decision. Women's rights says that you have the right to abort if you want to. Women's rights does NOT say that everyone should be happy about your decision to abort. The people in your life, ESPECIALLY your husband, have some pretty strong, valid opinions. Along with the right to abort comes the acceptance of certain consequences, and you have to understand that.

I find it especially sad that your reason for not wanting to have the baby, divorce your husband and let him raise it is not about you, him, or the baby. It's about what others will think.

I'm pro-life. I believe that a fetus is a person from the moment of conception, and to abort it is to murder it. If you were my friend, I would try to sway you that way.

You're not though, and on a wider scale, I believe in a woman's right to choose. I understand that if abortions WEREN'T legal, they would still happen, not in sterile environments by trained professionals, but by untrained people using coat hangers.

I would suggest you think VERY hard on it, at least attempting to keep an open mind as to whether or not you could come around to the idea of loving a child. Stranger things have happened, and that way, you can know that if you abort, you actually weighed all the options.

Answer 4

Firstly its not all about you. The person you professed to love and be madly in love with - you want to kill his child. I am afraid that your life is NEVER going to be the same AGAIN . NEVER. Why because it wont be the same if you kill this foetus - your husband will hate you and never respect you again - yeah you might stay together for a while but eventually he will hate you and drift away and find another girl who will feel sorry for him. And your friends will dispise you for killing this foetus - incidently means alive in latin.

If you keep it your life will change maybe you will grow to love this baby because its your own but hten if you are so self assorbed you might not. Either which way you have a pretty big decsion to make. as for your husband respecting your decision you wnat to kill his baby - how can anyone respect that. I am afraid you will lose everything if you kill it however you may not lose everything if you keep it - things around you will change and hell you could get a nanny so you wont have to put up with the baby - and you can still work. You might even like it.

By the wya I am not a prolifer - and when I first fell pregnant I wanted to abort because I did not want my life changed but under pressure from my partner I kept him and I hang my head in shame when I look at this beautiful happy litle boy who I was going to deny a life to because my petty world was more important then his life. Think hard about your decision because once you kill this foetus you can NEVER EVER reverse your decision and you will lose your husband and your life as you know it right now it can be salvaged. As for why cant your husband understand your situation - ask yourself this "Why cant you understand his - you want to kill his child.

Also bear this in mind when you do abort - its a great sense of reliefe but then the guilt sets in - the reality of the fact you actually killed something - its not a spider its a real live human being and you killed it and whats more it was your husbands real live human being as well, the guilt can drive you mad and there is no way to reverse it. Do you know that 8 out of 10 women who abort fall pregant within the year to allevaite the guilt. Read up on this first before embarking on a decision that will not only change your life but ruin it. I am speaking from experience. At the moment if you keep the baby your life is salvageable and so is your self respect and the respect from your husband whom you obviously love. Good luck and I hope you have the strength to do what is right.
Also you can go back to work in 6 weeks sooner if your mum or relatives or husband want to look after the bub.

Answer 5

I understand your situation. Not everybody is cut out to parent. It's an extremely hard and frustrating job. Yes, there's incredible love and children do definitely bring something wonderful to your life, but it's also very very stressful at times and sometimes parents sit back and wonder why in the world they did it to begin with. My sister never wanted to have children. She knew that always and had her tubes tied at age 18, even though she had to get a lawyer to be able to do it. She's 40 now and is perfectly content with her decision. She doesn't seem to care that some people consider her weird or selfish. I'm just glad that she didn't have children just to conform and then be a not-so-great parent.

First of all, you probably shouldn't have told him you were pregnant in the first place. I know, I know, but now you're in a sticky situation here. My advice to you is either to have an abortion and let the chips fall where they may or go ahead and have the child and make sure that your husband knows that he will be the primary caregiver. Your feelings may change when the baby comes, but the child deserves to be brought up in a loving home. Your husband needs to be prepared in case your feelings don't really change afterward. you may end up divorcing your husband somewhere down the road and allowing him to raise your child himself and if that's what you choose, you WILL have to learn to deal with the feelings of your family and friends. I mean, you only have so many choices here. You are certainly NOT too young for permanent sterilization and I hope that you follow up on that to make sure that you don't get in this position again. Get a lawyer to help if you have to. YOU have the right NOT to get pregnant if you choose that.

Answer 6

DANG IT!! you shouldn't have told him and just had it done,LOLL what he won't know wont' kill him... here is the problem though, my friend Tammy didn't want kids, didn't like kids and her husband said same thing, i love you enough to sacrifice having kids. well when they hit early 30's he changed his mind and tried talking her into it, she ended up leaving him because of it. -- That's a pretty serious decision for folks to be telling you to have a kid and live with it, if your admitting you don't want kids, why would folks tell you to have one?? they kid will pay in the end for it. You have only a few choices, pray and put it in God's hands, if it's not meant to be, you will miscarry - Have the abortion and let him just deal with it... because, honestly, you aren't doing anything wrong, he knew your feelings from day one. why should you have to go through this for 9 months and hate next 18 years of raising and then some if you don't want to ? just for him? that's not fair to you either.
Me and my husband have the best relationship, he's my best friend, but, i have to say I'm on your side on this. I'd just do it if you don't want the baby. if he don't like it, then he should have had his BA$@W$% snipped to prevent this too, why is it always the woman's job to get fixed?

Answer 7

You shouldnt have to give up your dreams to take care of this baby, but your husband doesnt deserve to have something he loves so much withheld from him. I know he loves this baby more than his own life, because he would even divorce you for it. If anything happened to this baby, he would never be able to look at you the same way again.

But why should you have to give up your career? Why cant he be the main caregiver? Tell him that if he wants this baby, he will have to be the one who wakes up with a screaming baby in the middle of the night.

You said you would be able to provide for this baby. Why not hire a full time nanny for it. Make a deal with him.

I dont know if youve ever had an abortion before, people make it seem so easy, but the idea of what could have been haunts you for the rest of your life.

You want your career so that you and your husband can be happy. The abortion will only bring you grief.

Answer 8

First let me state that I am VERY Pro Choice.

Wow! This is hard! And you don't have much more time to figure out what to do. Short of having an abortion ( and YES you CAN get an abortion without your Husband's consent!! ) and lying to your husband about a 'fake' miscarriage, I don't know what you should do. I sooo understand how you feel about not wanting children. I never did either, UNTIL, I had my first child. ( I have a 3 year old son and 8 months pregnant with our second ) I was majorly depressed during my pregnancy with our son. I, too, felt that my life would be over, and WHY would I be having this child that I didn't want. BUT, the second our son was born and I saw his face looking at me, all of that fear, anxiety, and depression disappeared, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I now feel that I was put on this Earth to be a mother. I still really don't like other people's kids. I've just never been a 'kid' person, but our son is my whole world. I was 27 when I had him, happily married, in a very stable relationship with my husband. I too, thought that I was taking every precaution to NOT get pregnant. But I know now, that our son was a blessing. I feel that since your husband is so passionate about this, that maybe you should consider having this baby. After he or she arrives, the two of you could switch 'roles' if you please. From a former 'never wanted children' person, it's NOT that bad, and really is the best thing that EVER happened to me. I hope this helps some, and good luck in choosing what is best for YOU and YOUR body :-)

Answer 9

I sympathise with you. You are faced with the most difficult decision a woman will ever have to make.

You don’t have to lose everything – that is a matter of perspective. You’re seeing this as black and white, while the real world consists mostly of shades of gray. Please also consider the possibility that the pregnancy hormones are affecting your emotions.

I see this dilemma as the universe presenting you with an opportunity. Your decision will define what that opportunity is.
Option #1. You can accept the unplanned pregnancy, and work out the details of balancing family and career with your husband. HE can be the primary caregiver, a stay at home dad or the one first called out of work when the child needs a parent. If you choose this option, your life is affected significantly during pregnancy and birth, but after delivery, you can return to work and your career will be only minimally affected by a brief maternity leave. This option gives you the opportunity to prove to management at your company that a woman CAN put her career first, even if she does have children.

Option #2. Abortion and its consequences. If you choose abortion, you will exercise the woman’s right to choose, and fuel the debate for paternal rights regarding abortion. Three years of marriage commands a greater degree of paternal rights than a one-night stand. Think of what a motivated lawyer could do with that!
Think of the effect this choice would have on your husband – the man you love more than anything. He will be devastated by aborting this baby, and you will either have to live with the guilt or divorce him. By choosing abortion you change your relationship with your husband forever.

Read and re-read the options. What choice serves the greater good?

You seem to care a lot about what other people think of you. Your decision in this matter is a perfect opportunity to create the image you want people to see. Choose wisely.

Answer 10

I don't even think you should have discussed it with these people, because its obvious they never really supported your decision against having children to begin with. Unfortunately now that you've told everyone, it makes it even harder on you. You basically have two options which are package deals:

1.) Have the abortion, divorce your husband, and cut off contact with judgemental family and "friends".

2.) Have the baby, feel miserable and end up divorced anyway.