can you please proof read my essay?

Question

A career I like is teaching because I enjoy the fact being around with kids. I take pleasure in working with them. This career goes under the tertiary industry because it provides services for its consumers to help them out.
Teaching agrees with the trends on page 75 because educators are knowledge workers. Knowledge workers, who deal among information and services, have now become necessary for the most part of industries. Knowledge workers appear to be the fastest- growing kind of workers since many years.
The skills of my parent occupation (Kindergarten helper) do not differ from the skills of my potential career (Teacher) because we both are placed in the category of tertiary industry. Literacy skills are very important nowadays, equally at work and in everyday life. People need to read, understand, locate and process information. So much of communication is determined on reading and writing in this day and age.

Answer 1

Well...first off, you might want to indent your paragraphs. The first sentence might be better stated as "I would enjoy this career because I can work with children. I would shy away from using the word 'kids' seeing as it has a less professional connotation. Throughout your text you use the word 'them' instead of children, which is confusing and not conducive to an essay. The term 'Knowledge Workers' sounds caveman-esque, other terms sould be used. There is a space between 'fastest-' and 'growing'.
In the third paragraph you should change 'parent occupation' to 'parents' occupation'. At the end, instead of saying 'day and age', try 'these times'
Hope that helps.

Answer 2

I like teaching because I enjoy being around kids and working with them. Teaching is a tertiary industry because it provides services for its consumers.
The skills involved in teaching are part of the trends noted on page 75 because educators are knowledge workers. Knowledge workers, whose occupations are concerned with information and services, have now become necessary for most industries. Knowledge workers appear to be the fastest-growing category of workers at this time.
The skills of my parent occupation (Kindergarten helper) do not differ from the skills of my potential career (Teacher) because both are part of tertiary industry. Literacy skills are very important both at work and in everyday life. People need to read, understand, locate and process information. Reading and writing are crucial communication skills.

(You mostly need to watch needless wordiness. The essay could still use a little work.)

Answer 3

Is this primary or secondary. Can't proof read too obvious. Basis is grammar. Need to get that right.
1. The career ...because I enjoy being with children (if secondary) or kids (if primary since that's what teacher always call you all). I take pleasure working with them. (no point adding the in). This career goes under the tertiary industry (ehm I think you are using your dialect direct translation..sounds odd...not sure what you want to put across)
2. Teaching ....trends mentioned on page 75 as educators are knowledgeable professionals (workers are too low. For teachers, usually they use profession. If primary, just use people will do).
3. Knowledge worker (ehm..try using teacher/lecturer) deal with (deal doesn't go with "among") ....and have now become a necessity in most part of the industries. Knowledge.....years (I think you mean the need for teachers is fast growing in the recent years right?) If not, try rephrasing to fast-growing in recent years or stop at since (delete many years).
4. My parent's occupation ....does not differ from ....career as a Teacher because...both in the same category, that is, the education industry. (sorry I couldn't explain tertiary but usually it is said as tertiary education, never heard of tertiary industry).
5. ......nowadays both at work ....(equally not used in this sentence paragrah).

Ehm, my english not so good. That's the best I can give. By the way, you can use the Word "Theraus" to rephrase your sentence.

Answer 4

Here are a few suggestions to tighten up your essay. God bless you for reaching out to the teaching profession! We need more people with a passion for knowledge sharing and children.

These minor changes will bring the essay from the passive voice to the active. This will suggest a stronger, more positive tone in the delivery.

The teaching profession appeals to me, since I enjoy being around children and take pleasure in working with them. This career falls under the Tertiary industry because it provides services for its consumers.
Teaching agrees with the trends (see p. 75) since educators are knowledge workers. Knowledge workers, dealing with information and services, have now become necessary for the greater part of industries. Knowledge workers appear to be the fastest-growing workers in many years.
The skills of my parent occupation, kindergarten helper, do not differ from the skills of my potential career (teaching) since we are both placed in the category of the Tertiary Industry.
Literacy skills are more important today, at work and in everyday life, than ever. People need to read, comprehend, locate and process information. So in today’s world, effective communication is dependent upon strong reading and writing skills.

Answer 5

Try This instead:

Teaching would be a natural career for me because of my interest in children and my desire to help them explore their world. Exploration begins with the ability to read and write. These skill sets allow a person to build the foundation to operate in daily life and question their personal direction as well as that of their communities. The trends listed on page 75 of the Title of book underlined here agree with the trends associated with workers in America that are considered knowledgeable. “Knowledge workers” work with information and related services is a required component to most industries within our age of information technology. They also appear to be the fastest growing category of workers since the industrial revolution. The skill sets I possess as a Kindergarten helper directly correlate to that of my potential career as Teacher. Kindergarten helper and Teacher are categorized within the tertiary industry. Skill sets related to literacy are mandatory for success on both a personal and a functionally professional level. All people have the need to understand and process information daily and should be provided the opportunity to be successful. Communication is not a “one way” street and self determination is related to literacy.

Important to note that all though “I get it” (your statement) when a person writes and/or communicates the audience has to be able to understand the message you are trying to convey. Say what you mean and say it clearly. Think of anything you write as an instruction manual. A “how to” approach is the best way to convey “any” message – even the one you are writing here. You may have to adjust what I have rearranged here for you – and that is OK. Do not be frightened by being a little wordy, in time and with experience you will know how to “chop it down”.

Best of luck to you! We need effective teachers and you seem to have tapped into a skill set that is required for all of us today.

Answer 6

1. First sentence: "the fact being around with kids", pretty obvious it's a fact, so you don't need to re-emphasise that point because it makes the sentence awkward.

2. Still the first sentence, taking pleasure in working with them has nearly the same meaning as enjoy being around kids, maybe you might want to combind both sentences so your essay doesn't seem so choppy? e.g. A career I like is teaching because I take pleasure in being around kids and working with them.

3. For your 2nd para., "knowledge workers" appear too many times, it gets irritating. Changing "knowledge workers" in the last sentence of para. 2 to "they" might make your paragraph sound less repetitive and monotonous.

4. Your use of "since" in para. 2 last sentence seems to be wrong. I think you should change the sentence and take out the "since". e.g. They are and have been the fastest-growing kind of workers for many years.

5. After "(Teacher)", the phrase "we both are" sounds out of place. Changing it to "we are both" sounds more fluent.

6. 3rd para. last sentence, the sentence is awkward, starting with "So much of" makes it.. awkward (sorry can't find another adjective). Maybe you want to change it from the 2nd last sentence? e.g. People need the skills to understand, locate and process information. Such communication is mostly determined on reading and wrting in this day and age.


Good essay! The points come across quite fluently except for some awkward parts, also the information you are trying to express is stated very clearly and yet not monotonous. Good job! =)

Answer 7

This needs lots of rework. I see many errors both grammatically and logically in order to make smooth transitions from sentence to sentence.

I am a little confused on what is the main premise for your essay, i.e., your main idea.

Answer 8

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