What Should I do?

Question

For a little more than a month, I have been involved with a woman who I am a bit unhappy with for a few reasons. First, her home is a complete mess, unclean/filthy or whatever you want to call it, and second, her children (two of them, both girls) have discipline issues. Third, she sometimes carries on when she cannot have her way. I've expressed my displeasure with her about these matters, but [to me] it seems like she's not "getting it"? What should I do?

Answer 1

Sound like she need big help. Let God to help her. Move on. Things wonot work out for you. Spartan

Answer 2

There are multiple issues you are expressing. First the mess. Second the undisciplined children. Third her carrying on in emotional manner when things do not go her way.


You must decide what is important for you where you are at in your life. They say you never really know someone until you live with them. Now you do. You have an expectation that she will clean her home in a certain manner. Discipline her children in a particular manner. And that she will have rational, non-emotional outbursts when you disagree. She obviously does not feel obligated to meet those expectations. That is just it in relationships. Both parties have the right to announce where they are at. Sometimes they do this through their behavior. This boils down to what is acceptable to you in the long run. Have you tried every avenue? For example, have you suggested some couple counseling? If it is your decision to attempt to come to some balance and agreement here, then that is a beginning step. Clearly if there are emotional outburts on her behalf when she does not "get her way" a third objective party is needed and required IMO to begin sorting out the "issues" between you. Then the daughter's must get involved with the third party. Can it work? Only if each member of the family is willing to open to compromise. There is an old saying: if you want to know why the children are the way they are, just look at the parents. If you are living in a disorganized, messy home, which is a form of being undisciplined, can you expect different from the two girls? Who is the leader in the home? It should be Mom. You are not the children's father. That is a big mistake adult's make when they move in with a partner who happens to have children. Sometimes they assume a parental role, and they should not. They really should be their friend while attempting to make a good example through behavior NOT discipline. It never, ever works well IMO.

Overall "hanging in there" for the sake of _________ ( only you can answer ) is not helpful for you, or your growth. Living unhappily can only lead to resentment, bitterness, and more discord.

Answer 3

Oh my, I can relate to this one. I'll try to keep my experience out of it and remain somewhat objective.

Let's look at character issues you've presented:

1. Untidy--no or low self-discipline, poor self-control.
2. Kids have discipline issues (imagine that).
3. Strong willed but throws a fit when she doesn't get her way--no self-control, lacks empathy or is an inflexible person incapable of some compromise.
4. Isn't gettting it: lacks empathy.

Okay, so you gave us 4 red flags, and the first 3 are primarily telling us that she has poor self-control. You make her sound just wonderful, and if you are looking for 3 problem children to raise, it looks like you found them.

But here's the part that scares me about her being unable to be flexible when she wants something and never really "getting it": it sounds like she lacks empathy. Now I'm not a shrink, but it sounds like this woman might need to be seeing one about a possible personality disorder.

You can't fix people. You sound like you are going down a path where you try to fix somebody, and the only thing that happens when you do that is that you lose yourself.

You sound like a pretty smart guy, and you have noticed these things about her, so ask yourself this, "could you spend the next 30+ years accepting somebody who has poor self-control, has kids who she has passed this onto, and who is high maintenane and cannot compromise?".

If the answer is "No", then walk away and save yourself the 200 bucks an hour you're going to need to pay to see a shrink for however long it takes you to get over this woman if you bond too deeply, too long with her and her kids. If you do drop her, I just saved you at least 8 grand and a possible nervous breakdown.

Answer 4

Perhaps you should just move on. A dirty home is a horrible thing, it shows she has no respect for anything she has purchased or received, and from my own experience, people who live in dirty homes rarely change. Discipline of the kids, well, that wont change either. I feel bad for you but if you cut your losses now and move on then you dont drag it out hoping and waiting for a change that isnt going to take place. Go find a woman that is more suitable to you and your morals. Good luck

Answer 5

You are dating for a reason ........... to find the one that fits you best. If she does not fit you then it is time to move on to the next one.
You should not continue a relationship with a single mother unless you intend on having a future. If you see no future then its time to end it.

You need to find someone that will have a clean house and either has children with disipline or no children at all and someone that does not throw a fit when they dont get their way.

Out of experience it is very hard to get into a relationship with someone that has kids.

Answer 6

You have stated reasons for your unhappiness with the relationship,so what are the reasons that you have for continuing in what seems to be a not so pleasant situation? It seems that she has no intention of changing what is her choice of lifestyle, so why not quit while you are ahead? Obviously, your opinions of her housekeeping skills and parenting skills, don't really matter that much! If she has no desire to change, or at least try,then maybe you would be better served by finding someone who is on the same page as yourself!

Answer 7

Run! Seriously, you and this woman seem to have a very different outlook on life. And from my experience, if you do not like the way someone raises their children, you will be miserable if the relationship gets any farther, such as living together. You will most likely become resentful and angry. You will not be able to meet her needs, and she already is not meeting yours. Why go any farther?

Answer 8

If you are unhappy with her after only a month then you need to just leave her alone. No matter how "messy" or "spoiled" she is, you can not expect to go in after that short of a period and change her. Even though you don't think it's right doesnt mean she don't. Leave her alone and let her learn on her on that she has things she needs to change.

Answer 9

My cards say...if you really wanted to make this relationship work, you would be overlooking these flaws and helping her correct her mistakes. However, she is not the one for you. The cards say ...you will not be happy with this situation as you are a neat and orderly person and she has never learned any discipline in any area of her life. She is looking to you also for financial support. She won't "get it" as long as you stick around. Cards advise you to make a clean break and stay by yourself for a little while until a redheaded woman enters your life and will definitely be more in tuned to your habits and needs. Godloveya.

Answer 10

I knew someone like this. She's getting it, but she's not going to change. This is who she is and how she is - you either accept her or you don't. If you stay, hire a cleaning lady for her and get her kids more involved in activities outside the home - sports, scouts - some place where they have better role models.

Answer 11

I think it's true what they say: People don't change. At least not for long. It doesn't sound like a very compatible relationship. And from personal experience, if you're having difficulties with the kids now, it's only gets worse.

Sorry -- she doesn't sound like a keeper. But good luck with whatever you decide! :-)