Should you always follow the visitation schedule/divorce decree when dealing with a difficult ex-husband?

Question

I was divorced 4 months ago because my ex-husband is a compulsive liar and committed adultry on several occasions and I didn't want my son to grow up in that environment. I am trying very hard to follow the visitation schedule and not deviate from it because if you give this man an inch he will take a mile. It is very difficult for me to trust him and when he asks to extend his weekend with our son, I tell him "no". He and his parents think that I am trying to "keep our son from them", which is ridiculous. I am only trying to stay firm and consistent with the schedule. Is that so wrong? My ex's family is 7 hours away and I am getting told that I have disappointed their entire family because I didn't let our son stay over an extra night. How do I deal with this?

Not to mention, my son isn't even 3 years old yet.

Answer 1

You are NOT wrong! Follow the schedule!!! Rules are not made to be broken, but to follow....which includes visitation schedules. Don't let them "guilt trip" you into breaking them. Hold firm!!

Answer 2

I am in a similar situation. However we are just beginning divorce proceedings. Currently we are trying to work out a interim arrangement for visitation. Up to this point (before my husband filed for a divorce) I have allowed him to come and go as he pleases. I had hoped for a reconciliation so the need to hold to a firm schedule did not seem necessary. The minute I put a schedule in place he lost it. He refused to set any time in place. This was troublesome because he was consistenly late on other visits. I know he has cheated on me and accuses me of things I have never done. I am sure that he is seeing someone else now. He lives with his mother and has even included her in letters from his attorney. Our daughter is 3 months old so visitation is not standard in this case. I have done what I thought was fair given the fact that he does not come by during the week or call about her. As long as you stick with the visitation schedule outlined in your divorce decree you are safe. But don't step outside of that otherwise you will get burned. Watch for manipulation that he may eventually use on your child. Give where you can but I would be careful. I just agreed to let my husband take our daughter for a full day since he took a day off from work and will not make his weekend visit with her. I now have a knot in my stomach. My husband lies...A LOT!!! about even the smallest things so I feel like I can't trust him and that everything is a ploy to hurt me. A couple of weekends ago he left the baby at the front door because I wouldn't let him take her for more than 3 hours. Mind you he arrived 40 mins late. And it was our anniversary. But I say just watch out. If you ex wants more visitation it is his responsiblity to take you back to court and that could get costly.

Answer 3

I think you are correct to follow the visitation schedule.
As your ex-husband has been difficult in the past I can see why it is hard to trust him now. Don't worry about having "disappointed their entire family" - they are depending on your good nature to get their way. If you give in now it will be more difficult to say No in the future and his/their requests will become unreasonable if they see you are a pushover.
However, unless there is any danger to your son, I do think he should continue with his visits and keep up his relationship with his father and extended family - but only within the scope of the visitation schedule. Don't use your son or his visits to get back at your ex.
If things change in the future the visitation schedule can always be re-negotiated, but make any changes formally through the courts.
Good luck. Be strong. Stick to your guns.

Answer 4

First off, I am willing to bet that this is a hardship for you anyways, having to either drive the 7 hours or have them meet you half way for 3.5 hours. (This is what you "should" be doing, meeting them halfway, instead of going the entire way yourself!!).

If this person is such a "liar", then I would stick to the divorce agreement and stick to only the allotted time slots.

You are the "bad gal" in this whole thing, because if the Son is a constant liar, then I would bet that the family is running true to form also. (The fruit doesnt fall far from the tree as most families go).

So, what your son does out there, dont question him too much. You probably already know whats being said about you and dont get your son in the middle of it. Keep a civil attitude towards your ex and his family, but, dont let them get any more leverage over you than you can allow or control.

I wish you well...

Jesse

Answer 5

Explain to them you are keeping with the visitation schedule and keeping your son on a routine with the visits for his well being. Explain to your ex over time if things work out with the visitation and he follows the rules and earns your trust you will consider extend the visit by a day or two. It does not matter what his family thinks you are doing what is best for your child. The judge made the visitiation schedule not you and your doing your part in following it through. Refrain from talking negatively with them or about them especially in front of your son. Don't let theircomments wear you down or allow more time when you are doing what is right for your child. Allow him and his dad to talk on the phone email when its not visitiation time. Explain to your ex you are willing to work wtih him and make sure your son is happy but he has to stop with the comments about how upset his family is. It is not like they live a few doors down seven hours away is a good ways and I would continue to be firm and follow the judgement regarding visitation time.

Answer 6

What age is your son? Keep in mind that kind of distance will not allow for deviation of schedule once school starts. That being said, your husband has until your son is about 5 1/2 to develop the foundation a very important bond. Me and my ex- also had a very contemptful divorce. We always tried to keep emotions out of custody.
My daughter spends about 10 days a month with me, and about 8 weeks in the summer. She is doing well, is well adjusted and knows she has 2 parents that love her very much.
Although your ex- was not a good husband, he can still be a great father. He may still be able to give your son the masculine love and affirmation that every child needs, but he will only have a chance of this if he is afforded the time. Search your heart, ask yourself if your not allowing your son to stay because of your own reasons, or your sons best interest.
Try and talk to your husband, also let him know that the comments of the family do not help the situation. Keep all discussions between you and him. As well for you, quiet the voices of your own family and listen to the heart you have been given about what you should do. It's easy for people to make assumptions about what you should do. Especially when they are not the bearer of the consequences.
As time passes on, it will be easier and easier to allow extra nights, and even ask your ex- if he could take extra days when stuff happens. I have had my daughter extra time due to circumstances which were in my ex-s life, to alleviate her stress i.e. when she is sick. It is best to encourage a father to play the role he needs to in your sons life, and not punish him for being a terrible husband. Just because he wasn't the man he needed to be then, be happy he is trying to be the man he needs to now. Good luck.

Answer 7

Keeping to the schedule is a good thing as everyone knows where they stand, and what is expected. Don't let him manipulate you into varing them, especially if he is used to lying to get his own way. If he is serious, let him go to court to get a different order.
But I do have a question. Who moved? Who is responsible for the physical distance between the two of you? If he moved after the custody settlement then he would have been aware of the extra traveling involved, and should have made arrangements that took that into account. If you were the one who moved, and did it after the agreement, then maybe a little leeway wouldn't go astray.
Do what is in the best interest of your son, and I cant say what that is. I'm not in your lives, you are, so do the best you can for him - both of you.

Answer 8

Remind him and them that the visitation is a matter of law. That it is written down to avoid confusion and hurt. He knew where he lived when he signed off on the agreement. I would stick to the agreement as time goes by folks will adjust and everyone will know where they stand if you deviate now you will never know when he is coming and going. Everyone should just stick to the agreement consistency is essential to the emotional welfare of a child he needs to know when he is coming home to Mom. That being said if there is a huge event and it is cleared though you prior to being discussed with the child an extended period of time to visit a circus or attend Cousin Billy's Birthday Bash is another whole thing and should be dealt with away from little ears there should always be a precise time for return home and it should always be complied with.

Answer 9

Hello, You can try to get someone else to take your children to the visits or meet in a public place. He is just jealous that you have managed to do something without him. He sounds like the type that isn't Happy unless he puts others down. Speak with your lawyer and see if a social worker can be present at the visits. Also try to get some help for the kids so they can understand that its not their fault or to take things personal. The last thing you need is for them to Rebel against you for the situation they have to be in. You can also do what I did. Have him relinquish his parental rights and neither you or your children have to deal with him again. This means you wont get child support but give your kids a piece of mind. But try the counseling first. LUCK!

Answer 10

You stay with the schedule yes it may be difficult but do only as court papers say then nothing can ever come back on you. But don't expect him to ever deviate either regardless your need for the child staying because whats right for one is right for the other!