Can anyone give me some advice on how to tackle the following dilemma?

Question

I have a girlfriend of 9 months & in love/want to plan rest of lives 2gether. I have a 2 year old son from previous relationship. I see him every 2 weeks for the day,never stays over or comes to our home. Problem is girlfriend cant accept him. She feels sick at the thought of sharing me. I cant even talk about him without her getting upset. I can see that she is going through hell over this and it is putting strain on us. She is a lovely person who explained it is against her culture/believes but is willing to meet him because she doesnt want to lose me & she was aware from day 1. I dont want to play families, I just want her to lose this pain every time he is brought up or in the future brought to meet her. I suggested she talk to a friend/councillor to help her see that my son will not harm us and it is normal in this country(she's Russian) to keep ties with kids from previous relations. I believe that she should accept him to enable us to be happy in the future. Can any one help me?

Answer 1

hi

I cant believe people are telling you to dump her. You obviously care for her very much. However, your son has to to be a priority in your life, he was there before she was and she got together with you knowing you had a him. Be very open with her and get her as involved as possible without upsetting your sons mother of course. If you have friends that have the same situation as you get them to talk to her about it so she can understand the culture of this country. Be as loving as possible towards her, show her that she is you world as deep down she is worried you will leave her. If someone is very insecure about themselves no matter which country they come from it can be hard to let go of these feelings and only support from you and time will help.

Answer 2

Girlfriends and wives come and go.

Your priority is your son. He is blood of your blood.

He will never go away. He will never stop being your son. You will never stop loving him - which is more than you can say for any woman you hook up with!

Tell your girlfriend that your son is part of your life, part of you. She takes you as you are (including having a son) or walks.

If she can't handle it then she goes. Big deal. I promise you, no matter how much you are in love now, you will meet someone else who is just as wonderful - if not better.

Any woman you tie up with should know right from the start that you have a son and that he is there to stay. A mature and sensible woman won't see your son as a threat, but as an extra.

Don't rush into things with anyone you have a relationship with. I also recommend that you keep on 'reasonable' terms with your ex, and start having your son stay over. I had my kids every other weekend from 9 am Saturday to 5 pm Sunday. My ex soon discovered the benefits of a peaceful, kids free weekend.

The various girlfirends I have had since splitting from my ex just accepted that every other weekend we had the kids.

Get your priorities right. Your brain is in your head not between your legs LOL.

Answer 3

Where are your priorities?by that I mean who do you need to put first?
Your girlfriend says it's a cultural issue; I know of no culture that frowns on the presence of a child from a previous relationship; what about the children of divorcees when they re-marry?
I suspect she is using this as an excuse; I would seriously question her ability to sustain a healthy relationship with anyone if she is jealous of a two year old child;

Your child is a part of your life; if she carries her argument to it's natural conclusion...does this mean she won't share you with your parents, or siblings, or friends? and what about if you have a child together? Where does this not sharing leave your new baby?

none of my business, but you sound like a nice guy and I think you are being manipulated.

Answer 4

the fact that she is willing to meet ya son is a plus point. but she has got accept that you are a dad and the time spent with your son is important to you. it also sounds like a jealously problem on her part. she feels sick at the thought of sharing you should have alarm bells ringing. she is gonne be sharing you for the rest of your life you dont every stop being a parent no matter how old ya kids are. the fact that she was aware from day one leads me to believe that she knew what the score was when she got involved with you.
she has got to understand that this the way things are and she will have to accept them and you will give her time to adjust. but if she is still unwilling i would seriously consider ending it. you can replace a girlfriend but not a relationship with ya son.

Answer 5

Wow, you do have a dilema don't you? You're son needs to stay in your life. At least your girlfriend is willing to try to a certain extent. Yes councelling may help if she will go for it. No matter what though you NEED to keep your son. You will regret it later in life if you ditch him. She needs to realize she's in your country now and things are different. Should've thought of that before she hooked up with you. It's gonna be hard on both of you. Good luck. I'm sure she will see it your way if you can her some councelling.

Answer 6

It's a difficult situation. i got russian friend who's parents divorce but her dad keeps in contact with her all the time. and it's quite normal for them....
i believe life is all about balance. as u have a child, u cannot leave him coz he's a little piece of u. u mast take care of him. but u need to hav ur privet life as well. so, if ur girlfriend cannot accept ur child go over ur relationship again... u mast be 100% sure she is the one u wanna live with. unbalance will lead u to conflicts and who knows if not futher else...
try to make her understand that the child is urs and u cannot leave him; he will not harm ur relationship at all. only she may do it by her jelousy. as she loves u she mast accept it.

Answer 7

i think you r in a very hard position and shouldnt have to chose between this woman and your son but your son is only a child and needs the care and love you give him and the woman you fell in love with is the same woman with theses belifs will she ever be happy if you try aand change beliefs she was brought up with will you be happy with this thing between you . i think your son is the most important person in this problem and counselling for the two of you may not be any help it may just bring more stress to her if you are questioning her foundations of her beleifs even if they are strange or not

Answer 8

Your not going to want to hear this, but she is one lady who has one hell of a jealousy problem. Listen to the alarm bells that are ringing in your head, don't ignore them. The reality is. that this is going to be a major problem in your relationship. I guarantee even though she says she wont there will be a point were she will make you choose. This will be a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life. It has nothing to do with culture there are more single parents in Russia then there are in the UK, so this is nothing new to her!

Answer 9

your son should come first dude, this girl is with you for a few months now, i cant believe a child could upset her so much! surely in Russia they have people with kids from previous relationships too...
you should be able to speak about Ur son and its terrible u feel u cant do this around her..
like i said , Ur son should be Ur no. 1 priority, lose this girl, seriously!

Answer 10

Lets keep it simple...Is your son more important that her? Is she that wonderful that you need her in your life more than your child?

Or else only you can make it clear to her- " Hey gal, i come in a package, you got to accept that to stay with me and so you decided what you want" Tell her never to bring up your son as an "issue" if she still decides to stick with you or else just stick together and forget about tieing the knot with her.

Either you make the choice or ask her to make the choice and both of you got to stick with it , in order not to complicate life for both of you.