stepdad & biological dad - advice please?

Question

i have a 6 year old boy, me and his dad split when he was 10 months old, afterwards we argued loads and to be petty he didn't see our son. maybe once or twice a year. i have been living with my current boyfriend for 15 months and he has been such a great dad to my son, i couldn't ask for a better dad for my child! recently though my son has been seeing his real dad again and has stayed at his twice now. both times on his return home he has been very withdrawn and not his usual bouncy ball self and he has been very defient to me and my partner when we ask him to do things or when he's been told no. this is very distressing to me and his step dad as he is a very good boy and we have seen a bad change in him when he's seen his real dad. i understand it must be a novelty when he goes and stays with him as they give in to any demands he has and they make such a fuss of him compared to the everyday routine we have at home. we don't want to stop the visits but we don't want his good behaviour to disappear because of the visits. my partner is finding it very hard as he loves my son as if he were his own. any advice??

Answer 1

i'm a stepdad,when the kids go to see there dad the same happens,he manipulates them,tells them lies,and they come back with attitude,he doesnt realise the damage hes causing to there minds

Answer 2

I have twin 5yr old girls, the same happens when they see their dad. Thankfully isn't that often... But they come back tired defiant and moody... I have changed drop off and pick up times so that there is less chance of them being tired. He used to want to drop them back at 6pm but by then they were feral. Now it's back at 3pm or earlier. Maybe do the same to him, have a full on day with your son before pick up so that he's tired for him.. Sit down and talk to your boy, I do with my girls, I have said to them that "I have noticed their good behaviour isn't here when they come back and ask them where they think it's gone" usually it's that they are tired or that they have had a bad time with their dad (& his new partner & her 3 kids). It's a confusing time for him, I wouldn't put it past his Bio dad to be telling him that your B'friend isn't his dad and that he doesn't have to listen to him.. I would let your boy know that even though his step dad didn't help "make" him he loves him just as much. My girls get angry that their dad doesn't live with us, but I explain that it means they have two houses !!!! Whereas everyone else only gets one... Good luck

Answer 3

I would talk to the biological father and ask him what is up. Sometimes in situations like this the other parent feeds the child information such as you don't have to listen to them and so forth.
After you talk with the biological father have a talk with your son. Explain to him that this type of behavior is not acceptable.

I had this same situation, although not with one child - with 4 of them!
Their stepmother allowed them to do everything that I wouldn't. I had to explain to my children that I love them and I cannot allow them to do things that would eventually hurt them!

The best scenario would be if you and the ex could reach and agreement on the rules for your child. If that is not an option, you must make sure that he knows that you and his step-dad love him and want what is best for him.

Answer 4

What if his real dad had been telling something bad against you and his stepdad that's why your son changed? For me, you did your part because you became honest to him since then. The problem could be his real dad I guess because why the sudden change when your son stayed with him. Or maybe your son missed and longed for a real dad.But you said that your current boyfriend treated your son good so, what's the big deal there if ever? You should talk to your son as well as his real father because they owe an explanation. I hope my simple advice can help. :)

Answer 5

* I think you should have a chat with his father , and tell him that if it continues then the visits will stop ? Also Talk to the 6 yr old tell him that at home there are rules and they must be followed or there will be punishment ( such as no tv , no sweets stuff like that and when he is good he will be rewarded )Good Luck *

Answer 6

being a step parent to 3 boys let me say that children do come back from the asbent parents house usally with bad behavior why u might ask? well with us hubby let those boys run crazy so when we sent them home at times they wuld be out of control. talk to your ex tell him that you have rules and that not to confuse the child those rules need to follow him. same bed time, types of snacks the way he treats others and the way he's treated. we had nothing but trouble until we all sat down and set boundries on the kids. working together is the way to help your son.

Answer 7

I went through this with my daughter. I told her that I did not care what the rules were at her dad's house, but these are the rules here. If you don't do what you are told, or if you disrepect us again, you will be punished. It took a few punishments, but she finally got the message. When I punished her, I always told her that I loved her very much, but she would have to abide by the rules or she would continue to be punished

If at all possible try to talk to the dad. Perhaps you can coordinate the rules. I couldn't, he was a real a**.

Answer 8

The trouble is

His biological dad is not being dad and yet he is dad for the boy and not your partner no matter how good he is to your boy but the fact remains that real dad is real and there is no substitute for that.

You need to explain this to your son's natural father maybe sort help from a professional, but just for the sake of your fulfillment you can not deny the fact to your son.

Answer 9

to start with i would not allow the ex to have him overnight, just in case he decides to go off again, secondly, you need to explain to your son that his father is a father and that is it, he has never been a dad to your son and i suspect your current partner has been more of a dad in one week then his father ever has, i agree your son needs to see his father but it needs to be a controlled situation, IE, he picks up at 10 and drops back off at 6, and every Saturday or Sunday, that way your son will have a routine, and you need to make it clear to your ex that he his just your sons father, in order to become a dad he has to earn it, its does not come with DNA, a dad is someone who is there for the good and the bad, not just when the latest girlfriend or empty day allows.
i know this is a difficult situation and will not be resolved for another 10 to 15 years until your son see's for himself, your best bet is to bite your tongue, and sooner or later your ex will get fed up of ridgid visits, just make sure you and your partner dont argue over this, when your son is at his fathers, you and his dad spend quality time together.

Answer 10

The fact is he is not his dad nor can he ever be so he should just accept that and if he wants that status why dont you both go along and make one.

This problem is not new.

I had my children kept away from me because my ex looney tune of a so called wife wanted to have their names changed to keep her new boyfriend happy but their plans backfired as the children did not want to change their names and so we began to see each other again and have done so ever since 20 years ago now.

Answer 11

His real dad has got to try and understand stepdads can love step children and visa versa and except the situation. Its not a competition. When i was in a similar situation as a step dad, I had no problem with her seeing her real dad but did have to point out that it couldn't just be hi days an holidays when he saw her he had a responsibity too. He saw the point and every body gets along fine. she stays there, he helps with homework etc and every one gets along absolutly fine