How can I explain to my sister that self-harm is wrong, without upsetting her?

Question

I discovered her cuts after accidently walking in on her when she was in the bath.
And i realise that i have to talk to her, but am scared of upsetting her... any advice?

(She is 13)

Thanks

Answer 1

You cannot tell her that what she is doing is wrong.

Most people wouldn't understand, but self harm is actually a coping strategy for the person doing it!

I suggest you look at the Mind website

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm

and read the information before talking to your sister about this issue.

Educate yourself as to the underlying causes of self harm and try to understand why I said that you can't tell her that it is wrong.

My own personal experience as a sufferer of clinical depression for over 20 years, along with more recent experience gained now I work as a mental helath support worker for a local Mind organisation has taught me that self harm is a much misunderstood and more wide spread thing that happens, than anyone realises.

There needs to be much more awareness about this topic specifically and also about mental illness in general.

Sufferers are subjected to stigma and discrimination all the time.

Your sister needs help and understanding, please give it to her. Help her to access professional medical help, and try talking to her before you decide it is best to speak to your parents without her knowing.

Mind offer services to young people, so look to see if you can find one close to you

http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind+in+your+area/

they will be able to give you lots of advice and be able to help you to support your sister. They are the experts in this kind of thing and will know how best to approach the subject with her.

I'm glad you realise that you have to do something, but please seek information before doing anything else.

Please don't cause your sister more upset and heartache by taking action without seeking the proper information on which to base your assumptions.

Answer 2

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. But you must realise your sister is already hurting anyway. However I do agree with you that you must approach he correctly...do not get bossy about it, or try to push her into getting help. Get her something nice, even if it's just a hot chocolate and sit down with her..tell her you know she is scared and probably doesn't want to talk about it but that as her sister you are there for her and won't judge her by what she tells you and that no matter what is wrong, you will help her....at that point you can walk away and let her think about it...because perhaps her just realising that you know at that point is enough for her to take in...because I have been in her situation regarding an eating disorder and to be confronted is extremely scary!!

Give her a while and them possibly reapproach her and ask does she want to talk, give her from helpful information about what can be done....surf the net. You can also tell her that you will go with her to your doctors to seek help...reassure her that, shes not the only one to go through this and if she is hurting inside, its important for her to get help and that you love her and will be there, morning day or night. You could also encourage her to see a school counsellor if she is more open to this idea.

There is probably issues behind her cutting..so the sooner, you can approach her the better.

If you don't feel she is accepting you help and continues to do it, perhaps telling your parents or a close relative will be the only choice.

Best of luck!
x

Answer 3

From the way you phrase the question you make self-harm sound like smoking or taking drugs. It's not something people take up as a pastime or a social activity - and you should not try to address this problem as it is a choice she makes.
Self-harm is almost always a symptom of a larger problem. If you stop her from doing it all she will do is channel that negativity into some other way.
Find the cause and tackle that instead rather than try to alter how she is coping with something. Perhaps she feels really unattractive, or fat, or that she is not popular. If you can make her feel happy and positive she will stop.

Answer 4

Dear, puberty is a painful and uncertain period in one's life. She cuts into herself because by doing so, she controls her pain. The more you tell her she's wrong, the more you fight her and the more she will do it.

This is a psychiatric disorder, like anorexia and other nervous disorders. Only a professional should handle this. If talking to your parents is out of the question, talk to her school nurse, guidance counselor, or local emergency room or care facility. If you have a rapport with your family doctor, that would also be a good start. Remember, this is something only a psychiatrist can handle and psychiatrists are medical doctors.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Right.. im gonna get sh!t for this but never mind.. Im sein a phycolagist, I am a self harmer have been for some time now. Self harm aint wrong nor stupid nor attention seeking. Self harm is away of getting rid of the pain you suffer inside. There are loads of other ways then selfharm but most think selfharm is the only one that work which i agree with.. She aint killing her self self harm is only to help with emotions.. Its not nice having a loved one do it but as long as she is doing it right an cleaning it then there is no prob. . Dosnt seem like good adive but im only repeating what every phycolagist has told me.

Answer 6

Hi

Firstly you should tell your parents, Its a Must, she could do something worse, And its not right for you to be dealing with this.
I'm a mother who has a daughter that did the same thing, I discovered it myself by walking into her room when she was a sleep and saw the markings, very shocking and I found it hard to deal with but we got to the bottom of it, it turn out that she was bullied at school, she started to hate herself, because she couldn't understand why she was hated, which lead her to self harm. We got professional help and every thing is great now.
So please help your sister by getting help, best not to say anything to you sister cos she might talk you out of getting help, She will know in the end that you did it cos you love and care for her..
Good luck

Answer 7

You can't tell her it's wrong, because it isn't! It's her way of coping with an underlying problem. It may be due to puberty, or could be something else. She needs to speak to a doctor about this. Believe it or not, self harming is very common. Whatever you do say, don't tell her her behaviour is wrong, it will only make her feel worse, and she'll shut you off completely. Be supportive. Good luck.

Answer 8

This is a tricky one, you need to sit her down for a heart to heart to find out why she is doing this, she must have some worries that are troubling her,it could be friend trouble or school trouble, what ever you do dont shout or show any disgust as that will make the problem worse, it could be such a simple answer to her problems but just make sure that she can trust you and she will open up to you, you need to be her friend and let her know that you are there for her, a big hug goes a long way...and be patient with her

Answer 9

I think you need to understand the underlying causes of self harm to have any idea as to how to help. Hopefully the link below will help you. (nshn stands for National Self Harm Network.) You'll find useful information under 'Myths and Common Sense' I'm an occasional self harmer myself so I have a good idea of what she's going through.

Answer 10

This is something you should definitely discuss with her but only if she wants to. Depending on your relationship with your sister I would talk to her about how she is doing, trying to find out why she is so miserable. Also get an adult ( parents)involved( maybe school counselor) to get her help if she can't stop the behavior. The worst thing you can do is to be judgemental. How lucky your sister is to have you to be concerned and caring about her. Good Luck!