How do you help a family member who has depression?

Question

A person very close to me in the family has had depression for almost 2 years now. She's went to doctors but always thinks she knows best and doesn't listen to them. She says that she does listen but wouldn't she be getting better by now if she was? It's been very hard for the last 2 years and no-one seems to be helping at all. She doesn't want to discuss it because she thinks we'll "get bored" but all we want to do is help. Everyone in the family is trying their very best including me. She has tried writing a list of things she's good at or the things other people think she's good at (which is everything!) and reading it every night before going to sleep & tries to believe in herself. She's the most kindest, bravest, bestest big sister ever! But she doesn't think that. She's very low in self esteem. Can anyone give me any advice on how to help her self esteem or anything else? Something to keep her mind off it maybe? Please help! (No cruel comments please)

It triggered off when she started 5th year at High School. She was worried about the future. I really have no idea why becuase I think she could do anything with her life, she's very talented.

Answer 1

I know how your sis feels. I can't really help you much as I'm the one who usually needs support one way or another. Some people like as are cursed with negative thinking...I don't know why I and others fall for it.

Here's what I'd suggest you help with:

First, she MUST keep her mind open and follow the advice of doctors.

Thinnking we 'Know best' is another way for us to say sarcastically 'whatever' to any solution in nicer terms and stops from facing the problem, hence defeating any notion of a good solution. This is false pride. You may point this out as a flaw in character...just don't drill it into her! As she may get even more depressed...tell it to her casually, not seriously.

Tell her to read the same list in the morning as well in front of a mirror or to you...make sure you make her follow thru this...but eventually she will have to do this by herself so at some point u will hv to hang back.

'get bored' means probably that I'm too unimportant (nothing ever happens) to bother u and be a burden...hence asking for help makes for having to feel helpless so it becomes embarrassing to ask and hence she fails to realize by not askign she ends up helpless anyways (vicious cycle). Keep this in mind

Ask her to write a journal, story or something. This helps calm the nerves and gives a nice self reflection, especially a journal.

Excercise. Can't stress this enough. Especially with family. A simple walk outside can elevate the mood and do this with a relative...this way u get to talk abt..anything..like anything and this alleviates some sticky situation! Continue this everyday, even if it's not a proper full sweat excercise. Good diet also counts, instead of binge, chocolate or nothing diet to keep the energy thru the day.

It's good to have her midn distracted with work or studies...this should help her keep away from her depressed thoughts (unless of course her work and studies ARE the reason for her depression). Anxiety may play into this likely. I hv no solution here.

Pep talks of a nice future with doing this or that and that and we can do this, really boosts me up and gets me going (then the feeling dissipates but that's because of negative thinking and lost motivation, you'll hv to watch for this). So do this. Sometimes when she may be being silly in not talking to any1 abt her problems, then put her in place, telling her the importance of always asking for help.

That's all I could think of. However, I ain't a doctor, and these are some of my own thoughts and experiences (though of course abridged and trying to be relevant). She should really see a counsellor or a doctor. And be open. That's the best I can do. Hope this helps. Best of Luck.

Answer 2

Wow mirror image of where I was. My big sister has severe depression the problem is it is hard to help those who suffer. What I did was just did things with her like we'd cook together or go for a walk or watch a film, to keep her occupied. She was a self harmer too so I was there to wash her cuts and keep an eye on her. You could plan to do something every week with her anything that is nice and just you two so she knows your dedicating that time to her. Exercise is helpful in depression so maybe a nice long walk. You could give her a makeover and if she does go out take her out. Pamper her. And the thing i regret not doing more tell her how much you love her every single day.Don't run yourself dry you can only help so much. She will get better there is no timescale for my sister it was 4 years before she was even steady.

One thing my sister said she liked was a letter I wrote about things we did as kids and what I loved about her and a collage type thing of the family.

Answer 3

Depression is such an individual thing and the feelings that trigger it off can be very simple indeed.........it could be as simple as a boy telling her she was fat or that she was ugly. At that age everything affects a young persons mind and if her self esteem wasnt too good then anyone "bagging" her is just going to make her feel worse. I worked with youth for many years.....lots of them went through depression...but most of these people came from abusive homes, which is probably not the case in your sisters situation, but it taught me an awful lot. There was this one girl in particular...she was in her early 20's. She was absolutely beautiful....everyone else saw it, except her. A lot of people would say she was just trying to gain attention by saying how ugly and horrible she was, but she wasnt. She trully believed she was ugly and horrible. When she looked in the mirror she didnt see what other people saw.....you just have to look at anorexic's....they dont see skin and bone, they see fat. The brain is a very complicated little computer and it can trick the mind to see something that is not there based on a lot of reasons......so, while, you see your sister a certain way, she really doesnt. You dont have to understand it, you just have to accept it. You said she thinks she knows best, and this may sound odd, but maybe she does. A doctor is not a specialist in mental health issues so maybe your sister should be going to a counsellor, not a GP. I have a lot of faith in the human brain, and I believe everyone is capable of counselling themselves....and maybe your sister does know more than the doctor....maybe she has ideas that will help her more than the doctor does. Maybe she feels that other people are controlling her life and she wants to give it a go herself. Me, personally, I think she is very capable of helping herself. Maybe her low self esteem stems from the fact that people are telling her what to do. Maybe she needs to start doing things her way for a little to see if she cant help herself. Maybe people are not giving her enough credit for how intelligent and capable she is. Intelligent people often suffer depression because they think a lot. Maybe your sister thinks too much, but that can also be a positive because she probably can come up with a solution to help herself. Maybe the way you are going to really get to her is to give her the opportunity to decide what kind of therapy does she think will help her. A person with low self-esteem needs to find strength and power from someone, and what better way to gain strength than to have a say in how you want your life to pan out. A good counsellor will help her get her self esteem back.....a good counsellor will show your sister that she has the power to change her life. A doctor has not got the expertise to help with depression except giving out medication...they were not trained to be counsellors and while some doctors do have a natural ability for counselling, they are still not the experts. Allow your sister to decide if she would like to attend counselling and let her decide which counsellor she would like to see. Start listening to your sister and start believing what she is telling you. Give her some power back. She is the only one who knows what is going on in her head.....the rest of us are only guessing.

Answer 4

You need to try and find out when the depression started or what triggered it off - was she a happy go lucky person before? People can suffer with it for years and years before they get the correct help or medication. Perhaps she would be better seeing a counsellor who will get her to talk about where it all went wrong.
You are doing everything you can for her and being there for her which is exactly what she needs. If she won't listen to the doctor perhaps you need to get a bit tougher with her and tell her how worried you are for her. I hope she gets herself sorted soon because it isn't a nice place to be.

Answer 5

The doctor probably just gives her medication which does not work for everyone and takes forever to find the right dosage anyways, so it's pretty hopeless. It sounds like she is in therapy as well, that should help some. Just continue to support her. She doesn't need to talk about her depression all the time. In fact, talking about it all the time is unhealthy. It's best if she keep her mind off of it. Same goes for you.

Answer 6

hi how sad for your relative to be suffering this deep depression because thats what it is and unless she gets help by seeing a dr or even staying in hospital for a while to get to the bottom of why she feels so depressed, she wont get better, i worked in a mental health dept for over ten years, the trouble is she cat see she is ill and its up to her family to help her see this or even be cruel to be kind by making her go to a councellor or better still a doctor, she really does need to be on medication, then she will be able to se why she feels the way she does , at the moment she cant, please take my advice and get a dr to come out and assess her, ring any mental health team they have oncall cpn and drs who will call outl good luck and i hope she gets better real soon,

Answer 7

Just love on her. Even if you think you sound like a broken record, whenever she does something well, then say "Wow, you did really good at that."

If your sister is anything like me, she's probably making excuses to herself every time someone gives her a compliment.
For example, if I get "Sarah, you did really good making that" internally I say, "Well, that's great but I suck at ____."

I don't know a whole lot about depression, nor am I clinically depressed, but I have a mindset similar to what your sister's seems to be; this is what helps me or would help me:

- Invite her to do something that you know she's good at. For me, I would go paintballing or tubing behind a boat, but it's probably different for her.

- Don't let her be too lonely or to be alone for way too long. When I'm alone, the thoughts just come into my head and they're hard to supress. But when I'm talking to someone else, my attention is focused on them and not me.

- You may throw this one out of the window, but one thing that helps me immensely is to listen to music and read books that aren't necessarily uplifting, but at least aren't depressing or negative. I used to listen to depressing music (I like it for the music, not for the emo-ness) while I worked, and whenever I did something wrong in my work, I would get really mad at myself. But when I listen to music that's just slightly upbeat, it helps a whole lot. I wouldn't recommend bubblegum music though - like overly optimistic Disney Channel pop - I listen to it and refute all the unrealistic statements in my head - it doesn't help. =)

- Treat her like you did before she was like this. This may sound weird, and contradictory to what I said in the first bullet point, but when people hug up on me and overdo the compliment thing, I feel like some sort of nut-case, or like I should be in a psych ward or something. Just compliment when you mean it and be sure that when you approve of something you did, you compliment her - but try not to patronize her. I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying it happens.

I hope you can use at least some of these tips. I'll be praying for y'all, and you have my utmost sympathy.

Much luck. =)

Answer 8

believe me you cant give her any help but the only thing that yu can show is caring and sympathy to her.
Leave her, depressed people like to stay alone.
The reason of her worrying about future because of her depression because she is thinking how her life will go on with her depression. the reason of her depression something is annoying her from the past this is what i think. so becareful when you talk to her. but show her that you love and you will stand with her not more.
at the end she will listen to the doctor.
when she is going to sleep sit with her in the bed, hug her. she wants only close one to care about her.

Answer 9

If she was given medication by the doctor, it is important that she stay on it...Some people decide (in denial) that it doesn't make them feel any different, so why take it?...The answer is that some medication takes a while to get into the system(usually at least a week)...

Answer 10

Is there something that she can do better than you can? (Sew,or Crafts,) Ask her to help you with something, work together on it, and be yourself!
Select projects such as a flower garden, veggie
garden, build a bookcase together-- something that just a thanks, and we really did a good job on that-- will do. Need her to help you with it and complete the project together. Accomplishment
builds esteem. (Got a problem--go to her with it,
get her mind off her own--whether they are hurtful or bad memories--she needs to live what she is,
not read it on a sheet of paper!)