My neighbor, a youngish (mid 30's) woman, is being beaten badly and regularly by her live-in boyfriend (black eyes, welts raised, massive bruising, etc.). If this goes on he will kill her. She keeps coming back, and says she won't promise not to this time either. Yes, she's got problems, but none worthy of death. She refuses to press charges because she has an old warrant out on her for some posession charge (this is a "no tollerance" state), and has so far resisted going to a women's shelter/help center because of bad experiences with them in her past. I'm just a neighbor, don't really know her well (other than giving her a place to hide when he's on a rampage), just don't want to go to her funeral, but that would be the next step if this continues. I need some advice, especially from women, how does one influence a friend NOT to commit suicide by boyfriend? PLEASE PLEASE no Oprah/Dr. Phil type advice, that stuff does NOT help. Your experiences would, though.
2007-04-08 00:02:40 · 17 answers · asked by Dave 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Whew! Thanks for all the replys! I don't have enough room to say much here, but most of what people have said either I've already done or already decided I won't do, because in the end it is her life and she has to come up with her own answers. However, if I think she's in real danger, then I WILL call the cops to save her life, whether she hates me for it later or not. For the moment, she's moved out and gone to stay at her mother's house, so is away from the boy "friend" for now. If I have any say in it (and I don't, hence the asking for advice) then it will stay that way. But this is the third round of beating/leaving/returning they've gone through in the last 2 months, and my experience says it will happen again. FYI, we're in Alabama (the 'big' city) where the police are famous their lack of helpfulness in things like this. And famous for throwing people in jail who don't deserve it. Keep those replys coming, they're helpful!
2007-04-08 00:39:48 · update #1
This is a tough situation to be in. I would tell her every chance you get that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. This will help raise her self confidence and make it easier for her to refuse to put up with this treatment. If you can hear when it is happening, call the police. She may not approve but you could be saving her life. Good luck.
2007-04-08 00:09:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone is saying call the cops, but that might not do much unless he is beating her at that very moment and you can hear him going at it. Otherwise, they'll just send a deputy and he'll look around, and the boyfriend and wife will give him some excuse, and he will leave or do nothing. Or, at best, he'll take the boyfriend in for questioning, then he'll give him a slap on the wrist and the boyfriend will be out in a day knocking on your door. The cops have to actually catch the guy in the act or right after the act, otherwise it's just your word against there's ("he hits her." "No, she just got hit in the face in a softball game, but she's fine now." "That's correct, officer.")
The only way out of it is to confront her, but this time, mean it. Have something prepared to say. Don't let her shrug it off. Look her straight in the eye and tell her that she's becoming a domestic violence statistic. Tell her that he will NEVER change, that it's in his blood and he's just a horrible person, and that she doesn't have to call the cops but she does have to get the hell out of there so she can start her life. Then tell her that you will never talk to her about this again, and that the ball is in her court.
If she still doesn't leave the guy, there's nothing you can do except call the police if you hear dishes breaking. That's probably going to be the only way out of it.
2007-04-08 00:34:24 · answer #2 · answered by superman11978 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the best thing is that when you see him beating her then you need to call the cops. The cops will come and see her all bloody and they will take him to jail. At least they will get him away from her. She will not press charges. She is not in her mind right now then. She needs to understand that this is not good for her. Next time she get beat badly take her to the hospital. They will ask what is wrong and they will send the cops to get him. She will have no choice but to press charges. Good lcuk! That is all i have.
2007-04-08 00:14:05 · answer #3 · answered by fxysxysrkly 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really do have to accept that you can't make others do anything - Or not do somthing -
In short sadly you can't do a damm thing but call the cops every time you hear or see somthing that can be helpful to the cops
Sorry if thats too Dr Phil etc
2007-04-08 00:12:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is her choice unfortunately. If the abuse is of a noise level where you hear it call the Police. Better she be in jail than in a grave.
She is making excuses to not leave him and they are only valid to her.
Why don't you contact local legal aid and find out what would happen if she was 'picked up' on these charges? If she is being beaten badly and she goes to Court they are more likely to be lenient on her.
This is a no win situation for you as it is her choice in the end.
Hope all works out for you and her.
2007-04-08 00:19:21 · answer #5 · answered by sag_kat2chat 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you are a concerned neighbor you can file a complaint yourself. You said that she couldn't press charges against him herself because of some past horrible experiences. You're the only one who can stop this madness, or accomapny her to the Women's Desk and help her to file a complaint. Her bruises are enough to be solid evidences.
2007-04-08 00:18:35 · answer #6 · answered by Itachi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Next time when that gut beats her up again, call the police, this guy must be face the law if not he will go around beating woman up.
As for your neighbour , help her in every aspect to help her get over him.
2007-04-08 00:14:18 · answer #7 · answered by Showstopper 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only way you can make her leave him is to get him out (call the police when he starts abuseing her, it will give them enough time to get there and witness it them self, and make a ststment to them about it and how long it has been going on for) hopefuly this will give her time to move far away
2007-04-08 00:23:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Simple, tell your landlord your concerns, he might see her as a liability, then it is out of your hands If you don't want to tell him send him an email with the link from a temporary email
2016-04-01 03:22:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to get someone from the women's shelter that your neighbor feels like she can trust. That is going to be the key to doing anything. She evidently feels she can trust you but you are in no position to give her any help.
Find someone who can help her at the women's that is understanding and will come when you call them. Call this person next time your neighbor comes over to hide. You are putting yourself at risk also by letting her hide at your house.
2007-04-08 00:12:22 · answer #10 · answered by don n 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Call the police on the boyfriend when you see/hear it happenning...They'll put a stop to it...The reason she puts up with it is low self esteem...I guess they don't have kids if they are BF/GF...If they have young kids, call DSS...Even if they don't, DSS should probably be involved...They can get her out of there and get her to the woman's shelter...
2007-04-08 00:14:02 · answer #11 · answered by Terry C. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋