My boyfriend went into my 19 yr old daughters bedroom this AM and told her if she needed a ride to call?

Question

I feel uncomfortable with my 54 yr old boyfriend being in my daughters bedroom while she is sleeping. She was uncomfortable too and said when she woke up he was standing beside her. He told her if she needed a ride to work to call him. I just feel strange about him being in her room.
Am I just being paranoid or is there something weird about this ? My daughter is very petite and very pretty and maybe I am just being over protective. I was already gone to work for several hours. We watched a movie and both fell asleep, so he was still at my house and I left him sleeping when I left for work really early this morning at about 0530.

He and I have been together for about 5 yrs or so and he is from the local area. He is not a sex offender or on the sex offender lists. I checked him out 2 yrs ago.

Answer 1

If you or she is feeling uncomfortable, then you definately should listen to that feeling. Not to say his intentions were inappropriate, but he did cross a line of appropriate boundaries.

I would talk with him and let him know that both you and your daughter are uncomfortable with this, and that there is really no reason he should have to enter her room at all. He could easily knock on the door, or if she was asleep and he had to leave, write a note, etc. He apparently missed the boat on at least one thing, and that is what his boundaries & roles are. Even if he were her biological father, it would be iffy having him just standing by her bed while she sleeps at age 19...

Bring it up in a non confrontational way, and pay attention to his reaction and your gut feeling about his reaction. Say something like, "You know, ____ was surprised to wake up with you in her room this morning. Next time, please just knock on the door or leave her a note, it really makes her uncomfortable to have you walk into her room like that." If he is defensive about it (getting angry, trying to justify, etc) or if you feel uncomfortable with his response, that might be a big indicator of what is going on.

If instead he responds with an apology, or an "I didn't realize..." in an appropriate tone that indicates he really *just* wanted to let her know he can give her a ride, and you feel good about it in your gut, just expect him to knock & leave notes.

Trust your mama bear wisdom. And put some pepper spray in your daughters room where she can reach it easily, just in case.

Answer 2

Trust your instincts on this one, and watch that this sort of situation does not happen again...wake him up next time, and have him leave when you do. Trust that your daughter also has good instincts in this as well...if she interpreted his actions as something creepy, it probably was.

He has no business in her bedroom, whether she is sleeping or not. It's completely inappropriate for that sort of thing to be going on. If he innocently wanted to be sure she had a ride to work, he could have left a note on the fridge, let her get to work the same way she got to work yesterday...or better yet, have her call you if she had an issue...he didn't need to get involved.

As I am sure you have figured out, with your daughter being over the age of 18, it would keep him from being a "child molester" by letter of the law, if not the spirit. To him, she will not look like a daughter, just a opportunity.

This does not sound like a healthy relationship you have here.
Are you sure you are doing the right thing having him in your house?

Answer 3

I like the restraining order answer. I would like to know if you knew she was seeing a 19 yr old? There is a vast difference in maturation between a 15 yr old and a 19 yr old and she can be easily persuaded into destructive activities like having sex with him in your home. To be blunt; he is not an appropriate friend for her and as a parent you are responsible for supervising her activities. By allowing this relationship you shouldn't be surprised by what you found this morning. You should have gotten her some birth control and instructed her on how to use it. The horse is out the barn now and it is going to be difficult to corral it again. By "going off' on him you have aliened her loyalty to him and she sees themselves as your victims. Your only recourse is to sit down with the two of them, find out where their heads are, establish your house rules and hope for the best. Rule # 1 should be the only man having sex in your house is the one who pays the bills. Your daughter has to learn to respect you and her home. It is not a hotel or a bordello. A real man provides to the best of his ability and any male that violates that rule is no man.

Answer 4

Go with your gut instints on this one even if he may not be a sex offender he can still have certain tedencies, who knows he could even have sexually assulted someone, and just didnt get caught. I dont know how it is with that, but I mean if you both are uncompfortable with him being in her room then you should first off buy her a door handle with a lock, or some kind of lock so he dont just walk in her room(door handle is better bolt lock even. the set) It can be completely innocent, but sense you are feeling uncompfortable with it then get the lock, make sure she dont leave her keys laying around anywhere, and just keep an eye on his behavior. There really isnt too much else you can do. You can also talk to him on how you dont want him to go in her room because she dont like it but its really more simple to just get the lock, and not make everyone in the house feel uncompfortable. If he asks why your putting a lock on her door just tell him because you think she diserves more privacy. But really if after that you still feel like that then maybe its time to find someone else. I dont think your being over protective not when it comes to someone whos in your house with your kids that your supposed to be able to trust, if your having a feeling like that sometimes that can be a sign of something wrong.

Answer 5

There is no reason for him to be in her room! He should just leave her a note outside her door! I would let him know and keep a close eye on him! You can never be to protective of your daughter! Now, a days you never know what you get!

Answer 6

Please get rid of this man immediately. Your daughter's safety should always be put before some guy. If you've been with him this long and he can make you and your daughter this uncomfortable, there is a reason. Lots of women ignore that little nagging voice that tells you when a guy is "off." Plus, if he doesn't want to marry you after five years, what's his problem?

Answer 7

You are not being over protective but wise in daughter's protection. "The two of you are feeling uneasy then let boyfriend know his limits - stay out her room and leave her no time with him while you are away. It is always better to play it safe when one is uncertain of another's reaction and do not know him that well.

Answer 8

TELL HIM THERE IS NO REASON TO BE GOING INTO YOUR DAUGHTERS ROOM EVER!!!!! HE CAN WAIT UNTIL SHE IS UP AND OUT OF HER ROOM OR HE CAN LEAVE HER A NOTE! SHE IS 19 HE HAS NO REASON TO BE IN HER ROOM FOR ANYTHING!! TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE I MEAN WHAT IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS TO SLEEP NAKED AND HE CAME IN WHEN HER COVERS WERE OFF OR SOMETHING?? HE JUST SHOULDN'T BE GOING IN THERE EC SPECIALLY WHEN SHE ISN'T EVEN UP!OTHERWISE HE CAN KNOCK!

Answer 9

Sounds like he has the hots for your 19 yr old(adult) daughter.Maybe you should send him home before het gets sleepy next time?

Answer 10

that man had no business in your daughters room at all. he wouldn't be allowed in the house when you aren't there anymore he has a home-when your visit with him is over-he goes there from now on.