Army Wife Help please?

Question

I am an Army wife, my husband is deployed.. He has been gone 6 months, since we had a family emergency come up in December and he came home, he will not be home for 6 more months. I have done real well, until now.. I looked to see how long I had and I am only half way.. It has broke my heart, I have cried cried cried.. I cant seem to find the ways to stay strong anymore, I give so much honest advice to others and it helps them. But I have none of my own. I have hobbies, keep busy, and try to think the best.. But I am missing so much, and cring so much.. I keep goingback to what I miss instead of what I can look forward to.. My biggest one is I moved home while he was over there, and there is no sign of him hear, no smell of him either.. Is this something we all will go through? Can and will it get better in the days gone past, will this make me stronger for the next deployment, and is moving the best thing to do? Just to let you all know I sure miss the sound of dogtags the most.

AM I HITTING THE HALF WAY POINT DEPRESSION?

Thanks sweetie but I dont drink lol.. you made me laugh tho

Answer 1

Takes a lot to may my old, tired heart say, "Awww.."
But this did. Different circumstances, but I spent an extended period of time away from a loved one as well. Be assured, it is just as difficult for him as it is for you. All the letters and phone calls can never take the place of the physical connections of the senses. You are halfway there .. find some optimism .. plan for your first few days together after you are reunited. Think of something special you can do together.. a dinner date? A mini-vacation or weekend away somewhere new and different and special. Spend a day making cookies and send them his way. If you are not living close to your home base, most hunting or army/navy type supply stores will have dogtags available. Or get some dog tags from any pet store. Exact same thing.
You are certainly not alone in your feelings .. There are online support groups. They may be able to give you some contact information for what you can do to volunteer your time, putting care packages together to send his way or something like that?
Try not to spend too much time dwelling on the parts of the situation that are beyond your control. And put that attention towards focusing on the things you can control. It is only temporary. Life will return as you know it. Keep your chin up :)

Answer 2

I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband's Army also & has been gone for 5-1/2 months of a 12 month deployment. The thing helping me keep my sanity has been staying busy. Not like hobbies which you can give up on a whim, committed busy. I work 45 hrs per week, we have a second grader who takes karate 3 times a week & I work out 3 times a week. I've found that by the time I get home, do dinner, homework & showers I have about 15 minutes to miss him each night before I pass out. It's definitely hard and I've come to realize that it takes a very strong person to be a military spouse. There are good and bad days. I cried the first time it got cold enough to turn on the heat - my husband is hot natured and it's always a battle. The good news is it does get better. Skip the clubs and the drinking - he may be a 1/2 a world away but news does travel and the military grapevine works better than the National Enquirer. The last thing you want is him worrying about your fidelity. Coping requires creativity. My husband and I swap pillow cases once a month that we wash in our body wash to kinda simulate the smell. If you mail it in a ziplock bag it actually works for a few weeks :). One last thing, before they left our unit gave us 1/2 dog tags. The set is like $10 and they have a bible verse on it "may the Lord watch between you & me while we are apart". We both have one and together they make 1 full dog tag. you can buy it at www.shieldsofstrength.com. Hope this helps - from one Army wife to another.

Answer 3

You're right; they don't go through what "real" Army wives do. (using your definition) I know a few women with husbands in the National Guard and they have it harder than I ever did. I'm sure reserve wives of any branch have it the same way. Since they don't "eat, sleep, and BREATHE Army" many of them don't understand a lot of what's going on with their soldiers. You take knowing the terminology and understanding what's going on for granted. They don't get classes to teach them the Army way. Don't say they don't have to start a whole new life in a new place every few years. One spouse I know has a husband who transfers a lot with his civilian job and has to switch units every time. Don't say their heart doesn't skip a beat when the phone rings or that they don't say a prayer before they open the mailbox or check the answering machine. Their spouses are notified of callups all of those ways, and every single one of them knows it. My husband and I were able to select what we wanted our families to know. We didn't live close to them, so they weren't around to see the everyday stuff. The National Guard wives don't have that luxury. Their family is close enough to know everything that goes on with their servicemember. I don't know a single one who isn't occasionally aggravated with their family members because they ask stupid questions since they don't know any better. And they can't escape them. They don't have the support system you do. Even if you live off post, a good percentage of families living by you will be military. National Guard/Reserve wives may not have anyone else in their whole town. You also have resources on post they don't have. Yes they usually have their families, but as explained above, that can cause more stress than it relieves because most of them don't understand how the Army works. National Guard and Reserve wives are military wives and have the right to have the same shirts and bumper stickers as the active duty wives. If you have time to be annoyed by this, you need a hobby. You have too much time on your hands. And by the way, Cafe Press is far too expensive for my blood. I ordered from them one time and their shipping charge was outrageous. And $22 for a T-shirt before shipping?

Answer 4

It is tough at home to not just abroad. Get involve with the VFW or American Legion. I am sure there will be someone to talk to there if you look into it. Some one that might have felt the same way in other wars. Take care and know that as a fellow armed forces member both the families and the soldiers are prayed for

Answer 5

It sounds like this is your first deployment, and although some people will say it never gets easier, I really think the first is the hardest. You don't know what to expect, and it's a whole new situation for you. I also think that after you pass the 4-6 month mark, it starts to get easier. Just think, you have more of the deployment behind you than in front of you right now. It really sucks that he came home on emergency leave early in the deployment. It helps if he can come home on R&R at the 6 month or further mark, but obviously not everyone can do that. It will get better as it gets closer to him being home and you have that to look forward to. I really think that once you get past the "hump" it will get a little easier.

I've always found that staying busy is the key. Sometimes even that won't help, but anything to keep your mind off of him being gone is a good thing. And I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but avoid watching the news at all costs. It will only worry you and you'll end up trapped in front of the TV watching it all day. Not a good way to spend 12 months. I also think it's really important to stay linked in with your FRG. You said you moved home, which can make it hard, but try to keep in touch with them as best you can. You should have a POC, usually assigned by platoon, who is calling you often. If not, get in touch with your FRG leader or Rear D and ask that you be kept in the loop. I know it can be harder being with your parents, far away from anyone who has been through a deployment or even remotely understands. I've done deployments both ways, and I definitely prefer to be near his duty station. Besides being in "your" home, which I think helps a lot, you are near other military families who understand what you're going through. People who have no military connection can ask and say the dumbest, most insensitive things. (Don't you miss him? My husband travels on business so I know how you feel. And my personal favorite - what would you do if something happened to him? Start answering that one with "I'll have $400k in insurance money!" and they'll shut up fast.) People mean well, but they don't realize that what they say often just upsets you even more. I remember dozens people asking me every week at church how he was. This was early 2003, when he first left. He called maybe once a month. I honestly didn't know how he was, and all they did was remind me that he hadn't called in 3 weeks. They were trying, but it just made it so much worse.

Do you still have a house near/on his duty station? If so, you might consider moving back. If not, you could get on the housing list so that you can move back before he comes home. (The housing list is usually much shorter during the middle of a deployment - if you wait until close to time for him to come home, you'll be waiting a long time.) I think having a house of your own to get ready for when he comes home would be helpful. I like to do lots of stuff around the house so that it's really nice when he gets home. Plus there's nothing like having a "home" to bring him home to when he gets off that plane. (After our first deployment we stayed in a hotel for a month waiting on housing - no fun.) Some wives always move home during deployments, but it's just not for me. It sounds like it might not be for you either. At least you'll know for next time, right?

One last thing I would recommend is marking off weeks or months on your calendar, not days. It always seems to go by faster if you are looking at it in terms of bigger chunks of days. You will be stronger for your next deployment, and you will have more experience as a military wife. It will never be EASY, but it will get EASIER. Not to say that it still won't be the worst hell in the world to go through. I hope you feel better soon, and if you need anything else or just want to talk feel free to IM me.

Answer 6

Hey there...my heart goes out to you. My husband is a Marine but deployments are hard across the board. It is normal to go through the different stages of grief because a part of you is not there. You will go through: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. IT IS NORMAL!!! I'm the Key Volunteer Coordinator for 9th Communication Battalion and we just finished a deployment. Spouses deal with it in many different ways but the 5 stages are a constant. Please contact me if you need to talk or anything at all.

Answer 7

Dear Heather.
I have two sons in the Army.
I am glad your Hubby got to come home for a short time. The next six months will go by. Your Hubby will be proud of the things you have handled, and he will be touched by the tears you have shed. And most of all, he will need you to be there for him when he comes home. If you miss the sound of Dog Tags, get some for yourself. I wore my son's tags for the year he was in Iraq. Keep his picture near you. Spray his brand of cologne on your pillow. Things will get better. And things will get worse.
Deployment is a Rollar Coaster Ride.
So, hang on, and Ride with Pride.
You are an Army Bride!
I'll be praying for you.
Purple Army Mom

Answer 8

Dear Heather,as a retired military man I will give you some hope.I was in the military for many years and the only thing that kept me going was the letters from my wife and my mom who recently passed away.Yes it will get better and your trial will be over and you will be a lot stronger for going through the trials.Honestly I don't know I would have got through it if I didn't have the letters to look forward to.Please stay strong for your husband and you both will come through this invincible.My heart goes out to you both and I hope you hang in there.You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer 9

First of all: thank you to both your husband and to you for the sacrifices that you're making.

One thing that my commanding officers and NCOs always encouraged was the support system that spouses and families can offer to one another. There are other people on and near post who are going through the same thing that you're going through. You should be able to find some support and strength there - and you might even make some lifelong friends during the process.

Answer 10

I know when my husband is gone I got through stages. I'm sad, then I'm ok, then I'm great and can take on then world...then I'm sad again. It just comes and goes. Try to keep reminding yourself that you've hit the halfway mark that only means you've got less time to wait before he actually is home. As you are reading this seconds have passed and you are even closer! He'll be home before you know it and this deployment will become a blur.