I hate myself?

Question

I hate myself sooo much. I do suffer from depression, eating disorder, anxiety at times. I see a counsellor but i don't see her again for weeks. i have no one to rely on. I feel fat and i just want to crawl out of my skin right now. i always want to hurt myself because i feel i deserved to be punished..and i dont know what to do.

I have been to my doctor..lets just say they are all less than helpful..infact i was told i would grow out of my eating disorder, it was just a phase.. was then sent to a phychiatric nurse for being suicidal and she told me that all "stupid teenagers" thought suicide was a way out.. oh and also accused me of lying and said that i was "throwing everything back in her face"...just because i wasn't agreeing to the statements she was making about me! Oh and someone i confided in for months and who supported me completely dumped me as a friend, my mum said i was a shame on the family and also broke my confidence in her by telling other family members about me!!

i dont know what i am supposed to do now!! go and die in the gutter where i belong!

and yeah i know i will get hurtful answrs, but i am so used to being hurt i just give up now!

it is true! answerer no.2 and no one really gives a damn

to one of th answers...i added the extra details because i ran out of 'characters'..if i wanted attention there's better ways to get it but thanks for your opinion

Answer 1

Well......Without knowing you and your history it is very difficult for people to give you constructive answers.
You don't really say what it is you want...just a rant about how awful you are ...how fat you are..and a little about your eating and mental health problems. You haven't even said what age you are but I'm guessing your in your teenage years.

I've been a Psychiatric nurse for probably as long as you've been born and it's not an easy job...The mind is a strange thing and changing peoples perceptions is difficult...Me telling you "No your not awful or fat" just isn't going to do it ...is it?
So I think you have to go back to your doctor or nurse and tell them HOW YOU FEEL and WHAT YOU WANT TO CHANGE....
You haven't asked for help from what I can see and are too angry blaming others for not recognising your distress. Your poor mum hasn't got a clue what is happening to you...she's probably besides herself with grief watching you self destruct and too scared to say anything in case you rant at her...

Write down how you feel..
how long you've felt like this?
Were there any "triggers" for how your feeling...did something happen around that time?
Why do you feel you have to be punished?
What ACTUALLY have you done that makes you feel punishment is necessary?
What do you think wuold make things better for you ...don't answer "By dying" as thats not an answer.

Once you have all the questions answered....and don't answer them "I deserve to be punished because i'm bad"...That's not an answer either....Go to someone who you can trust...there will be someone...most likely your mum and go over them with her. She'll probably be able to make more sense of how your feeling if she knows why your feeling so awful.

I'd like to say that i've seen loads of young girls with symptoms like yours...some have been abused..WHICH IS NOT THEIR FAULT...
some have come from broken homes and feel unloved because a parent left..WHICH IS NOT THEIR FAULT...and some get bullied by peers and made to feel worthless...WHICH IS NOT THEIR FAULT.

So again..without really knowing what's made you feel so bad about yourself..it's difficult to get to the bottom of it....
But I bet your not fat, ugly or awful...just needing help finding the right road.

Good luck with your search of who you are and who you can be.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Being a psychiatric nurse i hope I can help. It sounds as if you have had a bad run of people offering unhelpful or bad advice. Don't let that put you off people i general as most are genuine.

You have a lot of emotion in your question and it would take forever I'm sure to explain everything in detail. What you need to focus on is what right now is making you most unhappy. Then work downwards through the list. If you feel everything combined is hurting you then nothing will be resolved. You need to be strong in deciding what is the most painful thing in your life and face it head on. You will need support (family/friend/s?). Or a counsellor/therapist to guide you through this turmoil. I suggest making a list. Put as the title Ten things I hate about myself (yes just like the film). Put no 1 as your worst enemy and go down to no 10 as your least. It will take 5 seconds or 5 days to do this but once you have the list you can really start.

Once you have identified these hates then you must have a plan to beat them. Nothing can be gained by this and you must reaffirm every morning and night that you will succeed.

You must talk to people as much as possible about how you feel. Do not retreat into a silent world. If you are not happy with therapists/doctors then ask to be more clear in their answers. Remember they cannot solve your problems only you can do this. But if you have an action plan like the one above then you cannot fail because as each task is completed you are already a success in life. And nobody can ever take that away from you. Unless you let them...... So be strong. Wishing you good mental health and happiness.

Answer 4

Poor love, I am so sorry, really I am. I've been there and done that, believe me, and wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I'm sorry your mother is so unsympathetic, I was the family scapegoat, I had the mother from hell, and she did real damage to my self-esteem and to my life. The person who "saved" me was my grandmother, who I will always remember with great love and affection, and I think I am a better mother and a more understanding person because of what I went through. (I could write a book, and maybe one day...) On the other hand, health professionals are not always helpful. I went to see a psychiatrist who told me to get more self-esteem, and I felt like saying, OK then, I'll go and buy a packet from the supermarket, as though it was that simple.

Is there no-one else in your family you can trust and confide in? If there isn't, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, rather that you are unlucky. I also feel that you need to ask yourself why you think you should be punished. Just because you "feel" bad doesn't mean you "are" bad. You come across as an intelligent and thoughtful person. Do you have an activity you love (such as sport or music, for example) that gives meaning and structure to your life, or a career ambition, or do you lack a sense of direction?

If you are into self-help books there's one called "Overcoming Low Self-esteem" by Melanie Fennell , which I found useful, and which might help you to put things into perspective.

Please remember that there are people out there who do understand and care. I hope you find them. I'm not a religious person in any conventional sense but I believe, seek and you shall find, ask and you shall have, knock and it shall be opened to you. Good luck and take care.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Hey there its seems you r having a pretty rough time right now.
I'm not sure where to start , there seem to be many issues going on at once, I knw it doesnt take a genius to see that im just not sure where to go with this , but i can see you really need help and must feel awfully lonely and betrayed in all areas, in one way the way your being treated is bad by the health professionals, and in another if its anything like england im not suprised, unless of course you are in the UK then say no more....
Isnt it possible to see your counsellor sooner and express theres an urgent need ?
Im sure your professionals have seen to all this , but the chances are there must be a trigger for all this stuff and you need to look back and see the root of the problem, way back in your life perhaps that triggered the self loathing etc, you can cover up the symptoms but they will manifest in other ways until you deal with the root of the problem..
In the mean time , try to focus on things that even just make you smile a little, treat your self in any litfle way you know escape to your favourite place to just try to relax and give yourself some head space even praying meditating what ever your thing is.....in the end if you can learn to remove the focus from yourself, as in a kind of distraction after dealing with the root cause , which would tie in with the self harm and the eating disorders and the suicidal tendancies , you r counsellor should be able to help you with this .....
I hope this isnt too much waffle .....best of luck and please try to think even if you hate yourself there are many others that dont hate you and dont think your worthless, so for them even your mother , who you may be angry at just now dont do anything to dramatic.
take care .

Answer 7

The thing I would like you to understand is that this is a black spell in your life but you will come through it. You may not feel very strong at present but you do have the inner strength to lift yourself out of this rut. Some things you need to do this include regular exercise, a role to give you a sense of purpose in life, lots of sunshine and fresh air and some good food. That doesn't have to be fattening food: do what I just did and buy yourself a juicer so you can have some great tasting drinks, or explore the exotic fruit section at your supermarket. If you are in a rut, the best way to get out of a rut is to do something you've never done before and then you can stop telling yourself that life is this awful cycle going around and around, same old thing, day in & day out. Life is not meant to be like that. If I spend lots of time indoors (and as a teenager I didn't get out very much) then I do become stale and if hours pass by in which I accomplish nothing, I get down about that. If you are similarly stagnating then do something worthwhile. Personally I get satisfaction from growing things: there was no garden when I came here.I live in a regenerated street off an industrial estate, formerly occupied by travellers and so our garden was full of nails, broken glass and rubbish. I've bought a garden fork and removed all this stuff by turning the soil over and over. I've planted hundreds of flower bulbs, and seedlings indoors. I never had the interest when I lived at home: perhaps because everything was already perfect and so what use was I? I didn't used to think the way I do now. I had my head in the clouds and thought of being an artist, poet, a minister (which may shock a few people on here!). Now I have become incredibly practical and down to earth in my approach to life. The thing about being a teenager is that unless you're one of these amazingly inspired people who has a plan for your life that you've actually thought through and set in motion (I wasn't) ; then your life hasn't really got going yet and so it can seem very empty and dull. When you fly the nest (I did this a whole lot of times but I think this is the one!) then survival itself becomes a challenge and at this point you are flying, all by yourself and it can be frightening at times but it can also be a whole lot of fun. This is what you must look towards: yourself as an independent woman, making it in life.P.S: "SKIN" is the book I'm reading right now. I don't know if you have any brothers but this is about a young lad watching his sister suffering from anorexia. It's by A.M.Vrettos, publishers Egmont, ISBN: 1-4052-2328-6. Egmont are on the web too (www.egmont.co.uk).

Answer 8

Your mum told the rest of the family because it was probably pretty obvious from your behaviour (and your appearance - you mention eating disorders) there was something wrong and it was causing them concern. It's probable your mum told them so they would be more understanding - although having been through depression, it's impossible for anyone to understand something when you don't understand it yourself.

You will tend to look for the most remote sign of anything that supports your self-image, which could be why you only remember one sentence out of all that every nurse has ever said to you. It's almost impossible to say anything to you that you won't try to turn against yourself.

You are a lovely human being - Really, you are.

Any time you feel you need a hug there's one here (((((((((((you))))))))))) - Just imagine that's where you are.

This is not the sort of place to go into this, there are too many weirdos out there who think it's funny to kick someone when they're down.

Remember it's depression and you share it with millions of others. You're not mental.

You're beautiful - live, breathe and be happy. Someone out there needs you. Don't let them down.

Stay away from the loonies on here who make out they know it all - Talk to Samaritans.

Answer 9

Hi, SH2007

You seem to be bombarded with advice, so here is a poem I'd like to share with you. If you hadn't posted your question it may never have been written. So if you like it, it's your poem; enjoy.

Dreams of Yesterday.

We walked to day by the Thames, my wife, my daughter, and I,

And as we walked we saw the dreams of those who'd gone before.

Over on the Teddington side was a fine house
set in a lawn that swept down to the stream.
It looks so fine and idyllic, like it's been dropped down from heaven.

But I bet they still squabble about the TV remote control
and tell their children to eat up their greens.

Then there were those sailing in yachts.
I don't know how they did it. The day seemed as calm as could be.

In Canbury Gardens we sat on a bench and munched biscuits
in the shade of a London Plane tree,
not far from the bandstand where in a more refined time,
it would have been just the place to be, listening to the band.
Even though there is memory, there is still opportunity.

The daffodils that a month ago had heralded the coming of spring,
were now finished and gone, only stalks and leaves remained.
But there were Prunus in bloom, a mass of pink blossom, enlightening a bush.

In time the breeze that blew the sails will blow the petals off the trees.
But what they shall never know is that they were part of my dream today.

Dooney
2007/04/07

Answer 10

i know how you feel, i have went through and still am going through the same thing.

As long as you set yourself a positive goal eg some one in the family has just given birth or going to you look after the child which distracts you for a short period of time then you focus on some thing else.

That is how i mostly get through. Although most days i wish i were swallowed alive or something.

I however have never been to a phyciatric nurse but i have been told to go. As long as you look deep inside and find at least one thing you like about yourself wither it is the colour of your eyes or something like that.

You should not punish yourself by self harming, it's taken me years to figure that out now i'm left with the scars. When you feel suicidal ping an elastic band on your wrist (although it is also a way to stop smoking it is quite successful as it slowly stopped me self harming).You are not the only one who is going through this, there are many people all over the world.

Maybe by talking to other members in the family your mum is getting ideas in how to help you, as most people do not know how to react to one of their children becoming suicidal, have an eating disorder, but most know what to do about anxiety but some don't. I am not trying to give your mum an excuse for breaking your confidence but maybe that is the only way she feels she can handle the situation by seeking help from other family members.

Answer 11

Listen...

You do not belong in the gutter, and you don't deserve to die!

Your GP hasn't been helpful, and the psychiatric nurse has not treated you in a professional way, there are good people who can help you, but unfortunately you haven't found them yet.

Childline would be a good place to start

Phone [phone]
http://www.childline.org.uk/

Also you can email the Samaritans, or phone them

Samaritans

Phone [phone]
email: [e-mail]

Mind are a national mental health charity, the website offers a search facility so you can check to see where you nearest local organisation is.

http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind+in+your+area/

I work for Mind in my town, and as well as offering a drop-in centre and tenancy support service we have a young persons service as well. Give your local branch a ring and see if they have a young persons service, or depending on your age, if you can use any of there other services.

The Mind website also offers information in an easy to read format and might help you to understand your depression, anxiety and eating problems. Also what help you should look for and where to start.

As others have suggested, you should go back to your Dr's surgery and make an appointment with a different GP. I think you need to do this as soon as you can, tell them it's an emergency and don't let them fob you off. As it's Easter you won't be able to do that until next week now, but does your town have a surgery that offers a walk in service while ordinary surgeries are closed?

Try the NHS direct website, or phone them, they will be able to answer that question for you

NHS Direct 0845 46 47
http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/

Please, please try any or all of the things I've suggested.

You deserve and need help.

If you are still at school is there a teacher who you feel comfortable enough with, to confide in?

If you are at college, do they have a counsellor for students?

You've had a bad experience with a friend you trusted and confided in, so sorry about that, but sometimes they find things just too hard to deal with and in the end have to back away....... I've had that happen to me lots of times! It doesn't mean that everyone will do the same though, so maybe there is someone else you think you might be able to trust. Try gently testing things out first before you tell them everything, that way you might just 'know' that it isn't the right person before saying too much.

I'm now over 40 and have suffered from depression since being a teenager. I've had different GP's, counsellors, CPN's (community psychiatric nurse), psychiatrists and a whole range of other health professionals all trying to help me. There will be some who understand you more than others, some who you will find eaiser to talk to as well.

For the past 10 years I have had the same GP and he is very understanding and helpful, so please try seeing another one, and hopefully, you too, will find one who is better for you and you're needs. Explain the treatment of the nurse and request to see a different one.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself in this way, it is your right. Being a teenager does not mean that you should receive a poorer service, or that you can't complain.

You obviously need help from someone before you see your counsellor again, as it sounds like it is some time away.

People who have never thought about suicide in a serious way, or haven't been in that much turmoil that they considered it as a real option have no right to judge others.

You are not a 'stupid teenager', you are a real person, with real needs.

Your Mum is wrong, you have not brought any shame on the family................. in fact she is the one that should be ashamed. If you can, try to show her some of the information you get from where I've suggested. She needs to change the way she thinks about you and your illness. Which definitely doesn't include telling everyone about it.

My parents still don't fully understand me and my illness, but I've just learned to live with that, and know that it is there problem, not mine.

I hope you can get some help, and try some of the things I've suggested.

You are worthy of getting all the help you need!

Trust me, as someone who has experienced some of what you are going through, but who has made it to over 40 - which probably sounds ancient to you......... lol

Take care.