Dad having an affair?

Question

I discovered recently that my dad is having an affair. My mum knows, and she didn't tell me or my sister; although my sister made jokes about it because my dad would spend hours with his phone and became very protective of it - and I shouted at her, saying he wasn't that kind of person. My sister still doesn't know, but me and my mum talk about it; she is only slightly irritated, but not angry. Whenever she confronts him subtly (maybe hinting at liking somebody too much) he goes nuts...but only verbally. I am not afraid of him physically hurting my mum because I know he wouldn't go that far.

Unfortunately we were on holiday and my dad took the dog for a walk. He left his phone on charge and I browsed through it, seeing very deep messages between him and this woman. I was more disgusted at his replies.

My mum only works as a reception teacher, and she couldn't afford (money-wise) to live without him. I am distraught, not knowing what to do. Can anyone please suggest anything?

I am 16, and only a small number of weeks away from starting my GCSE's. At first I was shocked and almost physically sick, then I was furious, and now I'm not sure what I feel, only helpless that I couldn't do anything to help my mum if we were to move out.

I know the woman's number and I was thinking of texting my dad with another phone pretending I was the woman's husband and that he knew, but if I was to do that there would be drawbacks. My dad obviously still cares deeply about me and my sister, and although I know where I would stand if they were to split my sister isn't as strong. She has already cried at the thought, and she would probably back my dad in pity. I am struggling to find a solution, and have turned my attention to things I could do to make a lot of money (£20,000 a year possibly) whilst still in my teens. Online selling, anything. I just need some guidance; not just for the job but for the whole thing.

Answer 1

Confront your father for his actions.

Answer 2

Your dad sounds just as confused as the rest of you. He hasn`t gone and left so don`t just presume the marriage is going to end. You`d be surprised at the batterings some marriages can take and stay intact. I think as others have suggested,you should leave this to your parenst to sort out, and you stay as calm as possible ok ?Don`t worry about the money side of things so much-not yet - you don`t know what`s going to happen. A lot of families go thru this and they survive - so will yours. Take each day as it comes, concentrate on your exams, and do well. That is what both your parents would want you to do. This idea of selling stuff online-forget it. Your family is not dependant on you financially and never will be. If your dad leaves, or your mum leaves him, he will have to help out financially. It`s good you can talk to your mum, the fact she seems only slightly irritated is good too. You read the messages in his phone and that can`t be easy to deal with. Try and put it out of your mind-it`s just words-they mean nothing. Whatever happens your mum is lucky to have you, and you will all come thru this - you`ll see.

Answer 3

I would let your Dad know you know, I wouldn't tell him what proof you have. Even though these matters should be kept between the parents everyone has a right to know they are being cheated on. I would tell your Dad that your mom is very sick, she doesn't need this right now. He needs to stop immediately. I wouldn't tell your Mom, she is very sick and this will do nothing to make her feel any better or fight cancer. Im sure she will be heart broken. I would leave it to your father to figure out what HE needs to do as a adult. He should be the one telling your Mother ( only after she recovers ) not you. Ive had plenty in my family that have been threw breast cancer and many of them have lost their hair, eyebrows, and one if not both breast. A lot of them have said they feel unattractive with no hair and they feel less of a woman with their breast being taken away so the last thing she will need is her husband having a affair which will NOT in anyway help her confidence. You need to make sure you let your mother know EVERYDAY you love her and that she is beautiful. LEave it up to your dad to tell her when she starts feeling better. Maybe your dad knowing you know might be enough to get him to stop.

Answer 4

God, this must be awful for you. Yes, it is your mom's problem - but that doesn't mean it shouldn't affect you. Of COURSE it's going to affect you. You sound so mature and so thoughtful by trying to think of ways to help your mom. Unfortunately, at 16 there is little you could do (or should feel obliged to do) to help financially. The salary for most full time careers start at a level quite far below £20,000; especially if you don't have a degree or A levels (as you will only have just finished your GCSEs).

I know you want to do everything you can to help but please don't take this on your shoulders. I really admire what you're trying to do for your mom. I know that she'd say the same as me though - you can't throw away your life to support the family. You are young, you can do your A levels and go to Uni if you want to. Supporting the family is your dad's responsibility and this is his mistake.

Your mom *could* afford to live without your Dad, but of course things would have to change a little bit. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4 years old. My mom bought my sister and I up on her own on a salary of between £10-14k. Your mom can get help and benefits if she is on her own - she would survive and you could still live happily and securely.

What your dad has done is foolish and horrible. But you have to let your mom decide what she wants to do about it. I know it's tempting, but don't get involved and don't pretend to be that woman's husband. Do you think your mom knows that he's *still* texting this other woman? Have you mentioned this to you your mom? Does your Dad know that you know he's been having an affair? If not, tell him. You deserve a proper explanation.

It may be that your mom and dad want to work things out. It's a very complicated issue and your mom probably has her own reasons for allowing him to continue seeing this woman, if she knows that he is.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You have every right to speak to your dad and demand answers, if you feel you want to speak to him about it. My advice would be to let your mom decide what to do, give it a little time to settle and see if your parents can work things out between them. In the meantime, I know it's hard, but try to focus on your GCSEs. Once you've got them, you can do anything you want next year - a levels or work.

I really hope this helps and that things get better for you.

xx Emmie

Answer 5

I REALY THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TRY AND PUT IT TO THE BACK OF YOUR MIND AT THIS MOMENT AND CONCETRATE ON YOUR GCSE JUST TELL YOUR MUM THAT YOU ARE THERE FOR HER AND THAT YOU LOVE HER VERY MUCH TRY GIVEING YOUR FATHER THE COLD SHOULDER and tell him that you dont like what he is doing to your mother but if your mum knows perhaps she is just putting up with it because he is still paying the bills and she knows that she wont be able to afford to live on her own without your dad paying the bills if you get involved and tell her husband then your father may get a place with her and move out so if i was you i would lie low and let your mum sort it out in her time because she needs your dads income to survive so all you need to be doing is worrying about getting your gcse out of the way and just be there for your mum good luck and try not to worry

Answer 6

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

My dad too, cheated on my mum. When she found out, he ended it, and they've remained married....until now. My mum has her self-esteem back and being a stronger woman for it now feels ready to leave my dad.
It's a sad business, but my only advice for you is
1) support your mum, she must be feeling low, so tell her you appreciate her and help build her confidence. She must know that you respect her regardless of whether she decides to stay with your dad or not, (many marriages survive post-infidelity)
2) talk to your dad, make him aware that you know he is having an affair. It is his choice whether to end it or not, but knowing that you know may push him one way or the other. Don't criticize or demean him, think about the other qualities in him that you respect
and finally 3) advise your school that you have mitigating circumstances - thinking of yourself right now may seem selfish - but this stress will inevitable effect your exam performance, and your school should notify the exam board to request that they take this into consideration.
I strongly advise you not to contact the 'other woman'.

Answer 7

It always amuses me when people say things like: it isn't your problem - it's your mother's.
That's a lie. It is the child's problem. They're the ones caught in the middle and it is their home that is going to be broken.
Your dad might come to his senses, he might not. Confrontation might not be the answer - you can't always tell how deep their feelings are.
You are quite entitled to ask your father if he is having an affair.
I've lived through this situation and as a child, you feel very helpless. The only thing you can do is ask your father what his intentions are. Soemtimes it is better to know what you're facing than living with the unknown.

Answer 8

I can understand your feelings, I have been where you are. There is nothing you could do that would help, this needs to stay between your Mom and Dad. It might not hurt if you have her number to pick a time when your Dad is with her to start calling or have some of your guy friends start calling her and let your Dad think that she plays the field, I personally see nothing wrong with that. Good Luck to You. and BTW, my folks eventually ended up divorced in their own time, when Mom was ready for it.

Answer 9

Your dad might be going through a mid-life crisis of his own at the moment, enjoying the buzz of a new sexual relationship outside marriage. You said your mum already knows but she doesn't seem to be as worried about it as you do. Affairs don't necessarily mean your family has to break up as a result! Your dad still loves your family from the impression I got. Maybe one day, you'll understand that for a man, sex can be easily compartmentalised differently from love. Hang on there, your dad may not be quite ready to abandon his family yet....

Answer 10

It is your parents business, but I would go out of your way to buy your mother flowers, boost her self esteem whenever you can. If it does come to your father leaving in most states he will have to pay alimony and child support so your mother will have a income. Long term reltionships are complicated and there may be things you don't know, sometimes one partner lets the other cheat for reasons of their own and you broaching the subject would be a mistake. Keep your head up and stay positive in life, like all things this to will pass.

Answer 11

You poor little sweetheart I think you should start a conversation off about how lovely it is to be a family unit and general things about your family outings and holidays etc,(might make him think).Do not get involved love because sometimes these things get blown out of proportion and you could be reading the messages wrong.If not and it all comes to a head there are a lot of kids in the same boat as you,try talking to a friend who has a similar experience believe me it is so not unique.Good luck.