I have a mother who asks alot of questions that I am not comfortable with as she tends to use it against me?

Question

My new plan is that when ANYONE asks my anything I am not comfortable with, I am just going to say "I don't answer personal questions' or 'that's personal'

Now when I say this to my mother she will be defensive and tell me how I am being rude and it is a perfectly normal question... etc etc. It is all my fault of course. At that point I plan on telling her good bye and haning up the phone... or saying to my kids 'ok kids, lets go, grandma is crossing my bounderies again...' and leave (or ask her to leave if it is in my house). And refuse to discuss it further (even though she will try to get me to talk about it 'don't you want to talk about it'? "what about the kids, don't you think they need time with me?' 'don't I get one more chance?' etc). I plan on just repeating myself... 'I need to ask you to go now" over and over until she goes. Her husband can take her side.. they need to go

Does this sound like a good game plan take control of my life again?

Answer 1

Yes, it does. You set boundaries for people and if they cant respect them then you remove yourself from the situation. Its not your problem if they are offended by it. They are the ones not respecting you so let them wallow in their misery.
Be assertive and consistent about this or it wont work.

Answer 2

Sticky situation. Here's what I do with my mom - or anyone else who gets nosy: "Why do you ask?" That's the best response I have to personal questions, "set-up" questions (the ones people are asking just to set you up for another question or for criticism), or anything I don't feel like answering. Imagine this conversation: "How much do you weigh?" I say: "Why do you ask?" (Pause from the asker because they have no good reason for asking that! - HA!)

Turning away from your mother is not the answer, turning the situation around IS the answer. I don't think I would ever throw my kids into it by saying "Ok kids...." They don't need an explanation for why you're leaving, do they? You're almost setting them up to treat you that way and in 20 years, you will be your mother & they will be you. I'm sure you'll agree it's "rude" then.

Other good responses to weird comments and questions that work for me are:

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize my action of _____ was impacting you so much." (When people rag on you about something you did that is none of their business)

"Compared to what?" (When people say something is done wrong... i.e.: "Doing ____ is a crazy idea!" "Really, compared to what?" or "Normal questions, compared to what, Mom?")

"I appreciate your input. I will consider it next time I'm in this situation again."

Answer 3

You may want to have a talk with her and set some boundaries if she wants to continue to spend time with you and your family. If she doesn't adhere to what you've discussed and agreed on previously, cut down the amount of time your family spends with her...she'll get the idea eventually. I think kids could use their grandparents in their lives, but having people around that don't give their parents the respect they deserve doesn't seem right somehow. You should definitely take control of the situation. Generalising it to everyone may not be the best thing to do though, always take into account the situation and who's asking as well as the intention behind the question. All the best!

Answer 4

The idea is right on. I agree completely. The plan needs a little work. Feels a little harsh and you do not need animosity for your children's sake. One approach is to respond in a question such as what is it you really want to know. Force her to think about what she is asking and sets her back on her heels a bit. Done a couple of times she may think before she blurts out the quiz.

Answer 5

I have that problem with my mother and you are right every time she asked me personal questions and she will used agaist me because of that.. so I not want to deal with it and not tell anything about my life and she got upset and I finally let her go and not talk to he for 15 years and I felt great and I don't ever missed her.. and SHe really control my life... so good thing I end it and moved on..

You are right it up to you to say not yoru business and don't answer any personal question.. I do repsect my daughter she only 4 but if she does but she knows that She can talk to me about anything why I don't get mad or used agaist her becasue of that.. smiling.. so i really feel that your mother gone far tooo far enough to wanted to finsihed this not have no contact with her.. but you know it does work for me maybe for you too or not.. you have to try...

My mother only saw picture of my kids that all she never meet in person and I thank god for that.

Answer 6

I think it's a perfectley good way of telling her you don't feel like discussing it. That is definatley what I would say. If it gets even worse though, you should tell her to just not phone you or come to your house if she's going to ask you questions you dont want to answer. I hope that helps!

Answer 7

Sounds good to me. My mom's kinda the same way - she thinks she has to meddle in my business and it bothers me a lot. I just talk to her less and less. Maybe she'll figure it out one day.

Answer 8

Next time she starts to question you, tell her you don't know anything about it then ask her the same questions about herself.

Answer 9

works for me.sometimes you have to be tough when hints don't work. it'll be hard at first. odds are, she won't get it but, you have to try.if you feel you aren't in control of your life,take it back. anyway you have to.

Answer 10

good idea