Is it normal to have this relationship with your mother?

Question

I don't really understand this. Get ready for a long winded story.

My mother and I used to be very close back when I was a teenager, but her and my sister used to fight all the time, day and night. It wasn't until my sister left the house for good to find another place to live that things started going downhill with my mother and I. It started with a bad boyfriend I chose, then quickly escalated to us fighting everyday about the smallest things.

In short, I moved out with my present boyfriend (who is much better than my previous). The fighting died down, but we still ocassionally quarrel over financial and personal situations. She hangs up on me, and doesn't talk to me for days, and instead confides in my sister (they are more close than ever now). At times my mother brings me out shopping and buys me many things that, while I do need, I feel will be used against me as guilt in a later fight.

How do I deal with this? Is she jealous I left (its almost been a year since), or is it me?

To answer some questions below.

My mom currently lives with her boyfriend, whom I don't care for. Also, I'm turning 20 this month, but I can afford whatever I do need -- she just insists on paying for it because "she's my mother".

Answer 1

Sometimes moms are closer to one child instead of the other, sometimes it volleys back and forth, its not meant to happen, it just does and if your mom doesn't see it, then theres not much to do about it. You have to live your life the way you choose, you don't have to go along just to go along. Easiest way is to disfuse the issue before they become issues, makes you feel better, she doesn't argue/ignore you, and every once in a while just call her out of the blue to just see what she was doing and say hi. It messes with them. Thats mean, but I do it to my mom. Sorry you have to go through this just remember its not you. The only way I've gotten through it is my friends, they say they are amazed that I'm not like that too, cause they see it. But then again they aren't in that inner loop of my family so I guess its easier for them to see it. Depend on your friends, thats what they are there for, they understand, they are your friends, not your sisters, not your mom. God Bless you hon PS the buying you stuff is to make her feel like at least she is doing something for you

Answer 2

i know what your going threw cause i went threw the same crap. She isn't jealous, she just can't learn that you moved on with your life. Sure she is helping you with this and that, but it will come around where she will use it against you. since your sister left your mother is so use to picking on someone you were the next person that was under the roof which is very sad since it pushed you away. Be mature and tell her straight forward that your a adult now and your not going to put up with any of these small issues she may be having. Tell her how you truly feel and let her know your moving on with your own life rather she likes it or not. It's nothing to do with you, your mother has issues that she needs to fix. Tell her to quit being a bully and act like a mother for once. If you have to don't talk to her for awhile, let her miss you and wonder what happened to you. It probably would be the best. Good luck!

Answer 3

Are their any other siblings still at home? If not, I'd say there's some empty nest syndrome happening. Your mother is feeling alone and is taking it out on whoever left her last. Once the arguments have happened, it can be really hard to go back. And it's possible that once your sister moved out, you mom started fighting with you to make it easier to accept it when you left. Not on purpose, but sub-consciously.

Give it some time, try not to take it personally when you do argue. And when your mom does call, don't bring up any past arguments. Just ride it out, most likely you'll be close again.

Answer 4

Why would she be jealous? Sounds like she doesn't agree with your personal choices, plain and simple. Parents want what's best for their children and she might be frustrated with some decisions you've made. You said you had a bad boyfriend before and that you moved out, yet your mom buys you things you need. Maybe she feels you aren't able to provide for yourself and that you shouldn't have moved in with your b/f. If you're not a teenager and your mother is buying you things you 'need', you are not taking care of your own responsibilites and it probably frustrates her.

Answer 5

No, this is not normal nor is 2 sisters leaving the house due to fighting. Your mother sounds like the type of woman who needs conflict with someone. I would not be discussing my finances and personal issues where you know it's going to lead into an argument. Keep contact and keep it light.

Answer 6

sounds close to my world, the only way I can handle it is when mom starts fussing at me I just walk away, I know she is unhappy and has been for a long time, but she can really make me feel like crap, other than you not calling her when she is in one of her moods, or walking off if she starts on you, I wish I had the answer for you because I sure need the help to

Answer 7

I do not think she is jealous. It sounds like she just needs to let go a little bit. Funny how she now confides in your sister. Beleive me I know how you feel as I am in a simliar situtiation. When my mom is mad at me she goes to my other siblings and when she is mad at them she talks to me. I cannot figure out why, as it hurts at times. But I go on as I cannot let it bother me...I have to admit I am older than you and it still hurts.

Answer 8

I disagree. surely. i'm the only newborn my mom solutions the telephone for! She says every time my brother calls her all he needs is money or for her to babysit. Me and my mom have our off days, the place we could seem slightly dysfunctional, yet on properly-known we've a tremendously standard relationship. i admire my mom!

Answer 9

When your sister moved out and your mom could no longer focus on her faults, she turned to you and started focusing on your life and trying to pick out your faults and, of course, control your life.

Your mom doesn't have her own life - so she tries to live yours or your sisters.

Answer 10

wow i dont know you should try talking to her and whatever you do dont start fighting like dont talk loud or snap back