I have a sister who is mentally ill and I cannot handle her anymore.?

Question

She does not believe she has mental health issues. She gets focused on something and cannot get off of it. Her ex husband she divorced 23 yrs ago just died and she wants to find out everything on his death certificate and read a coroners report and on and on and on. She has called me about 20 times over this. She has her 24 yr old son paying her bills and claims she cannot eat because she is so poor, but she shops non stop.
She says she has MS and I do not believe her. She claims she cannot walk, but just recently, she put her own trim in her house and she goes thru department stores and shops every week and goes to garage sales and it seems to me like she walks fine.
She uses MS thing for sympathy. She does what she wants when she wants. She walks around home just fine, but carries a cane into the grocery store in town to get noticed and anyone who can trim a whole house doesnt need a cane.
How do I ignore her? Her son works full time and she thinks he needs disability.

I feel sorry for her kid. She is trying to sabatoge his job and she calls in, argues with his boss, and tells them he is sick and cant work. He is going to get fired. He has already been warned. He is a little slow to catch on. Me and all of my siblings think she is off in the head. Its not just me. There are 7 of us.

Her son is probably mildly retarded. I have always looked out for him. He has a great personality, but she uses it to control his every move. She keeps telling me"he shouldnt have to support me". Get real!

I am a RN and know more than she does about MS and she is faking it.

Answer 1

When you reach the point you can't handle any more, you need to turn to the Lord! He will help you....I will keep praying. And will send you a personal message of it.
Blessings,
Jan

Answer 2

-The death certificate is a public record and she can get that anytime she wants. Either that or her son can get it. I am sure her son can get a copy of a coroners report also. Whats the big deal in her seeing it? Is there something to hide? Maybe she still loved the guy. Even though he is her ex- she may need that closer.
-If her 24yo son is paying the bills that's his problem not yours. He is an adult and has obviously made the decision to care for her.
-It sounds like she has an addiction to shopping. Addictions are diseases. She does need help to get over that. What you must know is that you can not force people to get better from any problem. They have to want to get better and that firt requires recognizing the problem. The best thing to do is to not enable this.
-If she allows you to, go to her next Dr's appt with her and see if she truly has MS. MS does mean that somedays you can move the world and other days you can't move at all. esp in earlier stages. She may need a cane- just in case her legs give out. Research more about MS. If she does have it you need to understand it, It sounds like that you don't. Perhaps if she does have MS a lot of what she is doing is trying to cope with this disease. Maybe she has not accepted it and goes shopping to deny it and get it out of her mind.
-By the way you talk, you are frustrated and angry. To have those feelings towards your sister means you love her and want her to stop being the way she is. You just want her too be normal. What is "normal". This who she is. Either accept her as the person she is or step back out of her life. Be honest with her that you need a break from the situation.
You can not change people to be who you think they should be. Life doesn't work that way. Its just not that easy. You just need to be an adult yourself and make the choices that are best for your life.

Answer 3

It sounds like you expend a lot of energy where your sister is concerned. Now direct it in the right direction--visit her doctor, the one who diagnosed her with MS. Tell him pretty much what you have told us here, and ask him if it's possible that her mental illness be treated. It sounds like she is bipolar. Believe me, she needs help and often a family member is the only one who can give it. Remember that this is her illness talking--you just have to be a little more patient with her. You may be the only sane person she has to talk to. Be honest and tell her when she's talking or thinking like a crazy person.

Tell her that you will continue to be a part of her life only if she complies with her treatment regimen. Once she does, most of this behavior that is so irritating to you will stop. And you will feel better too. Good luck with her.

Answer 4

I can relate to what you are going though and I am sorry you have to go through it. Both my mother and grandmother are severely mentally ill. It is so hard. I feel also for her son.

This has been the most helpful thing for me: learning to detach from others' insanity and not let it affect me. I can relate to the compulsive shopping and spending. My severely ill is delusional, inappropriate, and also is addicted to the television shopping channels, her home is overflowing with junky jewelery and other things, yet I remember a time when we lived in poverty and more recently when I had to pay her back for a sandwich. This was a blessing in disguise. All financial ties to her are cut and thank God. She now has lost her bank account. She does not want to get help. Other relatives are helping her manage things and I am working on putting my life together--it hasn't been easy coming from this family.

My grandmother once spent my entire college tuition money--then suggested I try and live more frugally.

Cutting ties with such people has helped me tremendously, but even so, I still am hurting. The program Al-Anon has been tremendously helpful, as have other 12-step programs. CODA, for codependent persons wishing to have healthy relationship and boundaries, is another good one. Support support support.

One boundary I am going to work on with my mom is not allowing her to compulsively spend on ME. At the moment she buys things (it's just insulting, for her own pleasure, nothing I would want or need), but I generally don't see her and she tells me she has gifts for me. I need to tell her that, knowing of her problem, I can no longer accept gifts from her. She was doing a lot of calling and hanging up at the machine but I recently asked her to please leave a message. She has never been to my home and I plan to keep it that way for my emotional safety. It sounds a bit cold to some but I am best able to show up for her when my life is in balance, to take her out to dinner from time to time (rarely) and not be so strangulated that I yell at her when she pushes my buttons. I gotta go back to Al-Anon! Good to remember. I also go to therapy.

Hope this helps you to feel less alone with this problem.

Answer 5

Wow, I feel for you. My mom was the same way. She was like this all of my life. She was bipolar/manic depressive. She finally died about 5 years ago from liver poisoning. She would tell us that she had every disease out there. I wound up moving to another state to get away from her. My therapist told me once that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. Maybe that's what you need to do. Good luck.

Answer 6

You don't need to ignoreee her, per say.
But you can slowly and gradually inch a little more out of her life.
Just do your best not to get involved.
When she calls you, tell her that you're busy or that it's something you'd rather not talk about.
Even if she is using MS for sympathy, she's your sister, always has, and always will be.
So try to pull yourself out of her life, but make sure you never push her out of yours.

Answer 7

This is not mental illness, sounds like she is finding ways not to work. Have her see a specialist first, Iam not one, but mental illness comes in different shapes and forms, she needs to see someone. MS is not always visible it takes time to see symtoms like blurry vision unable to walk that sort of thing.

Answer 8

I do not believe that this woman is faking anything. I believe that she has severe mental problems...she has some symptoms of bipolar disorder. First, call NAMI (google it) there is a national and local number. They support people with mental illness and THEIR FAMILIES! They are full of resources but your sister needs to be evaluated immeaditly. I understand your anger but I think she can be helped so please don't deny her that. Good Luck to you and her.

Answer 9

I would advise doing the hardest thing possible in this case.

Mind your own business. Unless she is directly effecting you and yours, leave her to her own devises....that means

Stop answering her phone calls, letters, emails....
Don't go to visit her, and if a physical meeting occurs and she asks you about your absence from her life just tell her EXACTLY what you think and walk away.

Dignity means living above those things that bring us down from where we want to be.

Answer 10

i dont even know where to begin, maybe get a gun so that all the rest of us dont end up paying to support someone that is faking to be disabled, there are enough of them out there.