How do I settle this issue? (boyfriend/family)?

Question

My boyfriend & I are serious & been dating over a year.

My family (mom, stepdad, brother) all get along with me & are really great people but very much dislike police because of bad situations over the years in Pierce County, Washington (Tacoma as you have seen our crazyasses on the news many of times) - none of which are my family's fault. I can tell you they are due to meth heads, teenagers stealing cars, my real dad came once and proceeded to steal our property & I was home alone and was afraid he would come inside the house (the cops called me a liar). anyway just trust me we have been f'd with & lied to by the cops many of times. My brother went to jail for a day due to a girl & cop lying & then she admitted she lied & dropped charges after costing us $$. My stepdad was a cop for seattle & got out due to corruption.

Boyfriend is now a cop for a small city for 9 mos. He is starting to get cocky & makes comments.

So familly flips him **** & they argue. My BF is rude too.

Sorry ran out of room. My mom and stepdad used to also volunteer with pierce county sherrif and they were a total joke. My family had the best of intentions for a great community but it's serious fd up here.

I read a book about cops & why they get negative but my BF has only been in 9 mos and has a big head already. I try to talk to him about it and already asked my family to not make general cop comments around him but it's a tough situation. I totally see all sides. And I just got interrogated about a situation that my friend is in that I have nothing to do with so this cop thing all came up again. The detective was a total asshole to me. I have nothing to do with the crime at all.

I do wish my boyfriend would at least listen and not send rude emails to my family, etc. He DOES get quite full of himself & quote things like "you citizens have no rights to fight us" so I feel like he does stir it up. They tell him they like HIM but do not like cops in our area due to experience.

Answer 1

I say you leave him, your family is first and like you said he's only been a cop for 9 months and already he is being a jerk and he shouldn't be talking to your family like that and if i was you i would of told him off for talking to my family like that...well thats just my opinion hope everything works out

Answer 2

Whew. That's a lot to deal with. Sorry you're caught in the middle!

Good news - you're only in the middle because you put yourself there, so you can get out. Bad news - you can only suggest ways to fix this. You aren't the problem (or most of it, anyway) so you're not in a position to fix it.

Your family and your BF are the problem. They're great people, I'm sure, but as often happens, they've taken positions and prepared to defend them, which is more fitting to being on the debate team than family interactions.

All you can do is sit down, first with your family, then with your BF, then with everyone together, and CALMLY tell them that while you understand why they feel the way they do, what they're doing is hurting you and making your life difficult.

Your family has had bad experiences with police in your area. I understand - I've had some experiences with a few police officers that made me want to hide under my bed.

Those few, however, are not cops everywhere. I have a couple of inlaws who are cops and they're smart, dedicated people who do a difficult, dangerous job as well as they can, often without thanks (and sometimes with bullets shot at them), because it's important. Your family has to take it on faith that there are many good, dedicated cops in the world, and hope your BF will be one of them. In that spirit, and because they care about you, they have to understand that when they say bad things about police, it makes your BF feel like he, as a cop, is under attack.

Turn it around - if your BF were (and for all I know, he is), black (or Irish, or you-pick-a-group), and your family had bad experiences with some black people, and said that "black people in this town are (something bad)," could they understand how that might make your black BF feel bad? Same idea.

Now for the BF. Explain to him calmly that you understand how your family's comments provoke him, but the way he's responding is only making it worse. You're sure he wants to be an honest, dedicated cop - and the job is so hard almost no one who isn't a cop can understand how hard it can be - and you respect him for wanting to protect people (often without thanks), but if he lets anyone with an attitude get to him, he's going to end up in trouble, and that scares you. It also worries you that he's letting your family's comments get to him, and if there's bad blood between them, you'll be under unbelievable stress. Ask him to please just bite the bullet (so to speak) and try to ignore the comments, and tell him that you'll try to get them to be more respectful.

If he doesn't listen to you, then that is information you need to know, because it will probably get worse, not better, over time. Good luck!

Answer 3

The situation is not going to get better. If you are really serious about this guy then you need to go to some kind of couples counseling because as the way things stand you are setting yourself up for failure. Your BF is only enforcing the stereotype of the know-it-all-cop to your family. Let him know it can't continue. If he agrees to the counseling tell your family to let up while you work it out, if not dump him and find someone who can respect you and others. Good Luck

Answer 4

A year is long enough is he worth being with after all you know about cops. He is the same. Flashback when u look at him. Tell him how you feel if he does not know already. Best to end it now. This can be very uncomfortable. Cops are rude and angry management. Tell him i affraid something may happen to you or on call i can not handle this again. Bye, Bye.

Answer 5

I know a lot of cops have serious control issues.
It sort of goes with the job...they uphold the law (usually), and, ya, the public are supposed to obey the law...I think cops (not all) just mistake themselves as the law, (cop=law=obey). They have to - control - situations so they don't get out of hand.

It's absolutely not OK that he disrespects your family, & vice/versa. His lack of respect for them = lack of respect for you. Not acceptable.

Granted, 9 months is a long time, but multiply it by, say 2yrs...OK, that equals too frigging long to put up with that kind of bull$hit. If he's already starting...it'll only get worse. Unless, of course, he finally gets what you're saying to him, and he stops.

Ugh...I hate sounding negative. I'm sorry. But you only get one life, you don't get a second one to do things differently.

Good luck, and have a Happy Easter.
(or at least try)

Answer 6

Interesting situation. My experience tells me your boys in blue have a top down problem. What concerns me is your BF's behavior. Have you given thought to this. Keep in mind they too can be like pack dogs. If he does not see the importance of his position to the citizenry I wonder what you may expect in the future. Officers of the Law receive power in their oath. Many take this a bit too far. His attitude should be to serve, not to command. This will carryover into other aspects of his life - this is a guarantee. Are you sure you want to deal with this? Many a fine officer have come out of the academy with many of psychopaths. Think about it. You sound like a conscientious individual. Take heed.

Answer 7

There is no way in hell it is going to work with the two of you,

Answer 8

Well, I know you love him.But he HAS to respect your family. Talk to him and if he doesn't change, leave him.Sorry.