I need advice from moms of teens or pre-teens!?

Question

I have a daughter who is twelve. She's fairly mature for her age, and is responsible. My husband and I frequently drop her off at the local mall or the movies with a few of her friends (we know them and their parents very well) and let them hang out for a few hours.
Well, she told me that she likes a boy from her class, and her best friend likes his best friend. She asked if she could meet up with these two boys and her friend and have ice cream at the promenade ... which is maybe a five minute drive from our home. These boys are her age, and I'm glad that she was honest about wanting to meet up with them, but I feel like she might still be too young. Maybe I just don't want to accept that she's growing up! My husband says that we should reward her with a little more freedom because she was responsible enough to tell us what she was going to be doing, and he doesn't want her to lie and meet them behind our backs.

Any other moms been in this situation? I need advice!

Answer 1

I am a mom of 2 17 year old daughter and a 15 year old son I have been where you are I was as my kids cld me extremly over protective when my daughter was 13 she had a first real crush and asked me if he cld take her to the circus me and my kids have always been open and honest about everything i let her go she had a blast came home told me all about it she is almost 18 now still a virgen still in school an amazing girl / I guess what I am trying to say is if you trust her and she is as responsible as you say then let her go you have to trust her to make good choices and then share them with you she sounds like a good kid just set limits and everything will work out

Answer 2

I am not a mother, but I am a daughter. All of my siblings and I are between 15 and 24 (7 kids all together). So I can tell you my experiences. I know that when I was younger my mom and dad did not give my sister and I enough freedom. They tried to control everything we did. They wouldn't let us go to friends houses very often, and would NEVER drop us off at the mall, or to go have ice cream with a boy. We had to be chaperoned for EVERYTHING we did. The problem.... We started lying and doing things behind their back. It got to be a HUGE problem with all of us. We would tell our mom we were staying the night at a good friend's house, a friend that they knew. Then we would sneak out from there and go do whatever we wanted. It is really hard with teenagers to know when you are giving enough freedom, but not too much at the same time. I think as long as she is being honest, going to get ice cream with boys from their grade will not be a problem. Giving her freedom when she is being honest will keep her from doing things behind your back. Things I would say are bad at 12 is staying the night at a friend's house who you don't know. If I were you I would only let her stay the night at a friends house whose parents you REALLY trust. Because my mom would never let that happen if I ever had friend's over, so my house was not that popular. But some of my other friend's parents didn't really care what we did. But Ice Cream, and out to the movies, and going to the mall should be fine, and sound very innocent. Good Luck, the next few years are going to be a battle....

I wanted to add that at 12 we were all pretty innocent, we didn't have bad things in mind. The problem years usually started around 13, 14, and 15, depending on the kid. So keep a close eye, I agree with the above poster, that having friends over to your house is safer than letting her go out to other people houses too often. But at the same time, try not to smother her. She WILL get frustrated as we all did.

Answer 3

I am not a Mom but a Dad with two boys. I thought you might be interested in a view from the other side of the fence, so to speak.
My wife was like yourself with respect to her sons. What was worse, was that he is a little older and we did not know the girl or her family. Anyway, my wife was fretting and no matter what I said I could not really help her. Our younger son then said something to her. He said, "Mom, why are you worrying? You & Dad have brought us up to be good people who respect women, it does not matter that you distrust the girl as long as you trust your own parenting and the values you instilled into your sons - so it should all be OK".
Never has such grown up words come out of his mouth, he managed to get his Mom to see that her trust should not be misplaced in something that she has taken so much time, effort and love with.
I think your husband is most likely right saying that if parents show no trust then rebellion is the potential reward. You obviously need to let your daughter understand that you are allowing this trip and that your trust in her needs to be earned and and respected. She also needs to understand that not all of her girl friends and boy friends have the same standards that she has - and that it is important that she is always in control of her own actions, not to be driven by peer pressure.
Anyway I hope this helps you a little. Good luck

Answer 4

No twelve is not old enough to have freedoms of that sort, mature or not. Keep the friendship at home, invite them to have ice-cream at your house, but not a mall or place on their own. I'm sure that they are all innocent, but that could change quickly if the boys find out that she is allowed to go alone. The next 4 years are very important to keep her at bay. I wouldn't let my daughters go alone with a boy until they were 17 and I knew the boy, they would pick my daughter up and deliver her home with parent contact at both leaving and coming home.. they would tell us what they did and who they saw etc....
Of course, I had 3 girls in 3 years and "the whole gang of kids" would hang out at our house anyway. We usually had 6-15 kids here at any specific time.
The more freedom you give her now, will be expected to be expanded quickly and you have 6 years to go?? can you afford that?

Answer 5

Go with your gut instinct and let her grow up responsibly. I feel you should go with your husband, because your daughter has respected you by sharing her intentions with you, then you should trust her and let her go
Remember, she will also be with her friend, so it's not like a DATE DATE,
Also if you continue to treat her respectfully, and with trust, she may not rebel. Teenagers are hard to work out, but I feel that because your daughter was honest, (face it, she could have said she was meeting friends, and not mentioned 2 of them would be boys, 1 which she likes,) this shows maturity and respect, so it should be rewarded.
Good Luck, Wish you all the best, and trust her, remember the mistakes we make in life are our true life lessons, sometimes we need to let our children make mistakes, so they can learn from them, because they need to find this out for themselves.

Answer 6

My daughter had her first boyfriend at 12 and is now 14. She tells me everything (sometimes more than I want to know) because I am open and honest with her. It's normal for her to start being interested in the opposite sex right now. Just make sure you work to maintain and open and honest relationship with her through eveything and that she feels like she can come to you no matter how embarrassing it may be. Be sure you REALLY educate her on the important things and the consequences of important things.

Realistically we can't lock them in their rooms until they are 30 no matter how much we wish we could. I have tried to make sure my daughter has a strong foundation in Faith so that she is aware of all of the possible choices she has.

Answer 7

I am not a Mom but a Dad of 2 teenage girls. So I hope my opinion counts.

You are already letting your daughter run around the mall without adult supervision so it does not matter if the 4 of them are hanging out getting ice cream. I do not think it is a problem.

I would however have a problem if they wanted to "be alone" on their date.

Just for trivia. I had a neighbor whose 10 yr old daughter got pregnant because she was not being supervised.

Answer 8

I had three kids, all grown now.

I think from the description of your daughter it would ok if she was meeting this boy in groups of four or more.

Safety in numbers...

I Know it's Always harder with the first one to start letting go a little bit....

Answer 9

I would say it would be fine. She is mature and that showed in her actions of asking you if it was okay instead of just doing it. If you don't let her do something simple like this then she may not come to you with these things in the future.

Answer 10

your husband is right, i have a daughter that age. i would probably let her go but i would be "shopping" in the promenade while they were there having ice cream. make yourself scarce but look in evry once in a while without being noticed!