How do help my daughter-in-law?

Question

My daughter-in-law's parents have announced that they are getting a divorce. It was something that the rest of us saw coming but it was a shock to her and her siblings. She seems to be very depressed now. It is effecting her relationship with my son and she has lost all interest in everyday tasks and things that she use to love to do. I have told her that I want to support her in any way that she needs me to and then backed off. So far she hasn't talked to me much. Since I am the mother-in-law is my best path to just sit back, be there if she asks me to do something but other wise just stay out of all of it? It is putting quite a strain on my son. All I want to do is help but how?

Answer 1

You are so fortunate to have a good relationship with your d-i-l. Mine is my best friend. Her parents were divorced when she was a child.
My best advice is to let her know you are available, but don't give her advice. It might backfire on yoru relationship.
Tell your son that she might benefit from family counselling -her and her siblings. Ask him to encourage her to go.
Support him supporting her, and tell him not to enable her depression. She needs help. There is nothing wrong with that, but lots of people take a dim view of it. If she won't go, encourage you rson to go, to know how to help her get through this, and HIm to get through to her.
Let him be the main person she turns to, and it will strengthen their bond.
It is hard, no matter the age to go through a traumatic event. It will strain your son. And they can learn to lean on each other.

Answer 2

Take your daughter-in-law out for a lunch. Ask her how she feels...and listen, then listen some more. Maybe ask her what kinds of tough memories she is having to deal with at this time. Think about the stages of grief that people go through when they experience a loss in their lives: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance. Let her know that you will understand if she goes through these feelings.

Love on her. Have a bouquet of flowers sent to her home. Let her know that you're taking this grief seriously. Get her a book about something that interests her. Don't be too pushy, but she may be interested in starting up a new hobby, like decorating rooms or refinishing furniture, or ????

Don't wait for her to come to you, because this is a troubling situation to deal with. She may have had the fantasy of thinking her parents were solid as a rock foundation. When she realizes that their relationship was built on a sandy foundation and the footings have crumbled away, her whole concept of even her own marriage is probably shaken.

Can you go to a good "chick flick" movie together and have a "gals night out"? Think of new memories that you can help her make. She may want to bond with you, but maybe she just doesn't know how.

Answer 3

It's a wonderful thing to hear a motherNlaw who is actually concerned for the welfare of her daughterNlaw and ultimately her relationship with your son. Unfortunately, your daughterNlaw is grieving. She will need to find her own way. You have done all you can do up to this point. If there are children offer to take care of them for a weekend in order for her and your son to have some time alone to do whatever they want to or need too. She is probably feeling really insecure right now and lost some faith in the institution of marriage. She may be subconsciously trying to push your son away before he can abandon her. While there may be no chance of that happening her inner child will not be able to accept that reason so she will test him in an effort to prove that all men are just like her father. It is a sad thing. You might suggest to your son to encourage her to seek medical help. She may need temporary use of medication to help get her through this rough patch. Talk with your son and tell him to just be patient and realize he may not be dealing with the adult woman he married but a child now which is common.

Answer 4

She's so lucky to have such a loving mother-in-law! Maybe you could talk to her about how sometimes we put our parents on a pedestal as if they can't make mistakes. It's so important for her to know right now that she does not need to "choose a side". Although her parents do not like each other anymore, it's heartwrenching for either parent to speak badly about the other to their child. Maybe that's part of why she's grieving so much if she feels pressured to choose who's right or wrong. She will need to establish firm boundaries with both parents about what cannot be said. It took me 15 years to realize that I pushed my dad out of my life only because my mom wanted me to. My mom still is very disrespectful towards the fact that I want a relationship with my dad's side of the family. Now, I've been pushing my mom away unintentionally. Divorce is always hardest on the children. Your daughter-in-law will appreciate having you as a neutral shoulder to cry on. Even if she pushes you away because she's hurting right now, just be understanding and keep offering your love! Will you be my mother-in-law too?! Haha! Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Send her a card offering an ear should she need to discuss this. I would also put in the card that since others saw it coming perhaps there were alot of problems between her parents, and that nothing will change except two people will be eventually happier and peace shall reign in the kingdom. I really do not understand peoples grieve if they see it coming. Perhaps your daughter in law isnt happy within herself and this has made it come to light. Often I hear that when couples divorce,,friends and family start looking at their own lives.

Answer 6

Just let her know you are there for her to talk to or not talk to at all if she just wants someone to treat her like a normal person and not "the woman whose parents are divorcing". Be her friend and she will apreciate it. There's nothing you can do to help your sons relationship besides make sure he knows this is extremely tough and even if the relationship isnt going so great right now that it will pass and to not do anything stupid if he gets hungry for attention. When times get tough... sometimes men cheat..... help your son with his coping as well.

Answer 7

She should probably seek counseling from a professional, possibly in conjunction with which ever of her parents she is closest with. The encouragement for that should come from your son or from one of her parents. Not from you.

Since she is a married adult I'm surprised she is so distraught? It's not like her day to day life is going to be upset? As an adult it would seem like divorce is any easier thing to take? Not having experienced it myself I guess I just wouldn't know?

Answer 8

she is going through a depression and the best thing is for her to go to a therapist. Depending on what the therapists says, she could need medication. Advice her to go. Also just be there for her, dont pressure her into talking about it, just listen when she wants to talk about it, and take her out every once in a while to take her mind off of everything.

Answer 9

Tell her that it's normal to feel depressed when your parents are divorcing. She is experiencing a loss. Tell her that you meant what you said about being there for her and see if you can get her into some counseling - offer to drive her to appointments or watch the kids or cook dinner that night or pay for one appointment a month (or pay her copay).

Good luck! :)

Answer 10

Sometimes the best and hardest thing we have to do is watch other people deal with hardships. Unfortunately for you and her there is no quick solution. I think you are doing all you can. She knows that if she needs you, you are there and you are giving her the space that she requires to deal with it all. Does she go to church? Maybe you could make a suggestion that she speak to the pastor. If she is not a church goer....let her know that if she can't talk to you or your son about it....she needs to talk to someone...it's not healthy to keep things bottled up long term.