What do i do about my daughters consistant lies.. she is almost 5 years old, and lies constantly, .?

Question

sometimes about serious things like "where did you hide my car keys"... but most the time about "did you eat all those cookies?" i will punish her by keeping her in her room until she tells me the truth, but she will litteraly go half the day until she decides to tell me anything... and part of me thinks well thats to bad, but there must be a better way, especially when its serious things like i need my keys now!. lol. please help.

Answer 1

My sister has a 5 year old that lies a lot. She takes away her favorite things, this works better than putting her in her room. She also gets the truth a lot faster.

Answer 2

Well, look at it this way... She has a bright future in car sales!
No, seriously I think it's going deeper than that. Are you the only one that she does this to? Do you spend a lot of time together? If not, then this could be her way to get more attention out of you. Keeping her in her room may not be the answer. That is a guarantee for attention! She knows you will be back and will ask her to tell you the truth. Make some personal time between the two of you. It doesnt matter if you play with her or take her out for ice cream or pizza!

It would also be good if you explain to her that there is a right and a wrong time to lie to people. Yes it's not nice to do often, there are sometimes though that people lie so they don't want to hurt someone elses feelings. Explain to her that your keys are one of those things that are not nice to lie about because you will be late to work, to an appointment, etc. and that there are consequences.

Answer 3

All children AND adults lie when they are afraid of punishment some time or another.

And like us, your daughter has 'learned' to avoid punishment. There was a time when your daughter didn't know how to get out of trouble verbally- but she has mastered a degree of language and can now lie with the best of us.

This normal defense mechanism can become an automatic knee-jerk reaction. This is why we're so shocked over..."lies about the dumbest stuff." It's now an unconscience habit.

Remember, you're dealing with a 5 yr old mentality and sensitivities. Their world consists mostly of Big, Loud & Very Powerful Giants. Fear is a norm for children.

And please don't expect her to have a noble honesty that most adults have yet to acheive (if ever.)

Positive reinforcement is the answer. She will stop much of the lying when the threat is gone. She needs to feel free of fear from your reactions. This is a long-term process.
Examples; Lets play a game to find my keys:
Whomever finds them first gets a ......bumpy, jumpy, horsey ride.
or let's run and try to find them before we count to ....or before we finish the ABC"S.......or by the end of this song......etc. Kids love fun (so do we) and their excitement is a powerful energy.

Try to build loving trust with her so you're 'approachable' so she can tell you "even the REAL bad stuff." She needs to know you still love her, accept her and that she's very forgivable, no matter what! This trust takes alot of time and consistency to build. But hey by her teens she will have a bond with you - that few dads will ever have.

Lastly, 'Remembering' is not a well-mastered skill at 5. Don't expect her to be beyond her normal Developmental Stages, it's a set-up for failure.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

Children, who tell ties frequently are trying to gain attention, feel powerful, or are afraid of something. Are there any new changes in her life that could be causing this (baby on the way, move, new school, family issues). If there are, she needs a lot of extra attention and support.

She could be testing you to get some attention. Is she getting a huge reaction from you when she lies? If so, she has learned that "If I say this, dad will do this. It's like magic! I can make something happen." It’s a very powerful feeling. Do not give the behavior much attention. When she lies, say "That was quite a story!” or “You've got such a creative mind." Then walk away.

Is there too much criticism or punishment when she lies? Fear of criticism or punishment and fear of loss of love are strong motivations for lying. What happens when she hides the car keys or says she didn’t eat the cookies? She is being punished for it by having to remain in her room. Since she is punished for lying, fear is likely the reason behind the lie and will just give the behavior more attention. Discipline is the key, not punishment.

Start problem solving with her. In problem solving, there is no threat of criticism, punishment, loss of love, or loss of approval. In problem solving, there is only acceptance of the child as she is. Hold her responsible for her actions using natural and logical consequences. When she spills something, she wipes it up. If she is destructive with a toy, she puts it in the trash. Children are naturally cooperative when they have no fear of negative consequences.

In problem solving, the word “lie” is never mentioned or implied. Children are shown the same respect as adults. The distinction between truth and untruth can be taught in more positive ways such as discussing whether a certain story was real of pretend.

Children are also surrounded by white lies. They hear the phone ring and mom says “Tell them I’m not here.” Dad may call in sick to work and then spend the day at the golf course. Adults may say how much they love a gift and then throw it away. These social deceptions make things more confusing to the child. When the child forgets to put away her toys, what’s wrong with saying, “I didn’t do it” as long as she gets away with it? Mom and dad do. A lie gets her out of punishment.

Help your daughter to feel powerful by saying thing like “You did that by yourself!” “Look how high you can jump!” “You used so many colors on you picture.” These phrases are great ways to help children feel powerful, great confidence builders, and great ways to show attention.

If you begin problem solving, stop punishing, and used phrases to help her feel powerful and confident, she should soon start to feel more confident, less afraid of making mistakes, feel she is getting positive attention, and stop the lies! Hope this helps! Good luck to you!

Answer 5

I disagree with Tony's remarks; "she's just a child and kids do that". That's not so, kids are smarter than what you think they are. Ignoring the problem is not going to make it go away. Obviously, she's become immune to being in the room every time she tells a lie; that's why it takes her halve a day for her to give you an answer. I think you need to change your strategy. Make a list of all of the things that are important to her. Then every time she tells a lie, she will have to pay for the lie with one of the things that matter to her. Make sure that you explain to her in layman's terms, that there's no need for the lies and that every time she do that she hurts your heart. If she continues with the lies then slowly, but surely she will be without a whole lot of stuff. There's a way of doing things; it all depends on your child's mentality. Some 5 yr old are more advanced than others. You know your child better than anybody else. Therefore, you put down the law, teach her what she needs to know, make sure she follows your rules (It's OK to be strong with her sometimes) it's your duty. Good Luck! ni ni :-)

Answer 6

She is really oo young to institute that kind of punishment. I know this sounds silly, but I don't mean it that way. Have you just tried talking to her ? Really having a conversation ? It would seem she is trying to get your attention with all this stuff. I get it with the keys though. I would drive me nuts, but you have to be careful. If she just wants you, being punished sends the wrong message. She may not even understand why she is doing these things. She may not be able to articulate it either. Try going out to do something fun and when the moment is light, ask her why she's been doing these" silly" things. Don't sound or be angry ! That will just shut her up. Be gentle and make it fun. I'm curious to see what she says. Good luck and let me know if it helps.

Answer 7

A lot of kids think that if they say something is true, then it will be true. (I used to - go figure.) A lot of kids think that lying will keep them out of trouble. The first couple of times it usually does, until they get caught, but then they've had so much positive reinforcement that it takes a while for them to realize it's wrong. Children also lie (and other things) to get attention when their needs are not being met.

I would suggest that you talk with her about it. Take some time when it's just the two of you and you won't be interrupted. Hold her and tell her you love her. Then tell her just as lovingly that you have a problem and you need to discuss it with her. Tell her that you would really like to be able to trust her, but when she lies, you learn that you can't believe the things she says anymore. It's easy to assume that anything she says is a lie, even when it's not.

Lying is a hard habit to break. Good luck!

Januaris_ros - mother of four

Answer 8

Thats a tough one. My first thought is to try to figure out why she lies. My second thought (and one I used with my son) is to let her know that the punishment for a lie is much worse than the punishment for the wrong doing..then make it so. Don't let her go sit in her room where she has toys and stuff to play with. Make her sit in a location where she is conscious that you are watching her, but where she cannot interact (like a corner), make the punishment something like, 3 minutes for the deed and ten minutes for the lie, let her know that it is unacceptable to lie about things now or you will really have a time of it when she gets older. And as always with children...consitency is the key.

Answer 9

Set aside a small chair or stool and label it "naughty chair" and whenever she's lying, make her sit in the chair until she tells the truth. My son has a "naughty stair" he has to sit on whenever he's done something wrong (now mostly for throwing fits, kicking, screaming, etc. when he doesn't get his way) and after about 5 punishements on the "naughty stair" he hasn't been throwing fits as often. Sending her to her room until she tells you the truth... well, she has all her toys to play with. She doesn't care if she can't come out. She's being entertained. But if she's isolated on a chair or something and can't move from it, she'll figure out that not telling the truth is not fun.

Now... as far as your keys go... I would recommend getting a hook to screw up by the door out of her reach and hang your keys on that so she can't get to them and misplace them period.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Have you told her the story about the boy and the cheeps??? or about Pinocchio ??? It worked for me I told my daughter about this stories and she doesn't lie anymore.. but it is not good to lie to them about giving or taking away thing..if you are going to punish her do it or if you are going to reward her you have to do it too, also it will be to ask her why she lies ???? Tell her if she like princess that princess don't lie they are good girl and put examples have you herd Cinderella, snow white or any other princess lie.. that way she can know what you are talking about .. also taking away things that she like or even time out can work too... Does she goes to pre-K??you can ask the teacher if she lies there too or any other friend and she is being more like her friend... But if you know this stories tell her and she migth get the point!!! good luck & like I said it worked for me!!!