HELP !! Have 16 yr old step daughter who hates me?

Question

Hi I need advise on how to handle and nasty disrespectful 16 yr old who thinks her Dad should have no life until she's grown. She is very hateful towards me and uses myspace to tell the world about me and my personal business. HELP !!! I'm at my wits end.

I have talked to her Father and he has told her to respect me and my option. I have been nice, cold, had a talk with her alone, with her Dad, with her Bio-Mom. She is hard to live with. And I have tried being her friend. & I have tried being her Mom - Figure. Not I don't want to be around her at all. We have been married a year & half.

Thanks for all the advise !! Ypu all are great!!!!!!

Well Last night we had the dreaded talk. She said she just does not like me and wants her OUT of her house. Her reason : She no longer gets her way. Well My Husband ( her Father) told her too bad and if she did not start treating me with respect that she was headed for boarding school. I spoke with her Mother and found out I am not the only one she is a snot to. So 1st counceling appt is next Tuesday.

Answer 1

Have you talked to your spouse about this? Maybe you should try that and try talking to your step daughter. Tell her how you feel and tell her things need to change. Family counseling might help too. She might tell a counselor what is really going on. I doubt her behavior is completely based on you. There is probably more to it. How long have you been married? If it just happened recently then, unfortunately, she will need time to adjust. I was disrespectful to my stepdad for a while, but we get along just fine now. I realize now how much I hurt him and I feel really bad. She will too one day. She just needs to grow up and stop acting like a little child. Just remember that you are a step parent (one of the hardest things to be). You married into a life with a lot of baggage. Things will ease up though. If I were you I would find a way to delete her myspace and/or restrict her from internet access. Telling your business like that is crossing the line. Do not stand for that. You may not be her blood parent but you do have some authority as long as you are part of the family. Talk to your spouse and try to figure something out. You have to do something. don't let some little 16 year old push you around like that. don't push your luck though. Trying to take too much authority can lead to more drama. Good luck. I hope everything works out. If you need to talk or want some more advice feel free to e-mail me. I know what I'm talking about. Trust me. again, good luck!

Answer 2

I'm a 16 year old, but I'm a good kid and don't give my parents a lot of crankiness. But since you are a parent, I would recommend ripping yourself apart from all angles and seeing what it is that makes your step daughter dislike you so intensely. (Look at yourself w/ a know it all, ironic, sarcastic, unsure, superious pair of shades; since this would be the kind of attitude some teens have, even the best of us.) This is helful, but also treat her with respect all of the time so she can't have a valid reason to be disrespectful (even if she doesn't in the first place). I would talk to her about the myspace, or take her computer rights away. First though, read what she says. Then talk to her Dad and have him read it, if he's a good person he'll stand behind your decision. Secondly, stop telling her about your personal business! Your step daughter is probably feeling confused about having a new authority figure, and may be hell bent on hating you; in this case I wouldn't know what to do other than wait for her to go to college. Also, talk to your husband about how you feel or have a dreaded 'family talk.'

Hope it gets better, but not all 16 year olds are nasty and she probaly isn't awful to everyone.

Answer 3

You do not mention her mother and the circumstances of her apsents ..neither do you mention the fathers opinion ..?
Talking about stepdaughter, I assume she is living with you ?

Here are the facts or opinions you will hear :
- you knew about his child before you got married ...
- a stepmother can not take the place of the Mum ....
- teenagers are like that ....
- you are older, therefor should be wiser ....
- as an adult you have to ...
- if you had your own child, you would know/think differently...
- maybe she feels that you do not really love her (enough) ...
In case you have ever made a mistake towards her :
- well yes, serves you right ...b/c you should have ....

I've been there ... in a way, at least.

Talk to your husband ... calm and with a very good choice of words .. emphasizing your understanding for her age, loss (if mother died), worries (as you are taking a piece of heart from her father) ....but also explaining that you need his help, suggestions and a certain back up because you do not deserve disrespect and nasty behavour ...
Ask his opinion about having a conversation in 3, or wether you/he should talk alone with her ....(here I do not have enough information about the family) ...

If your husband is too cool about it, without understanding for your problem, than you have a problem indeed ......

Good luck

Answer 4

I am a fifteen year old girl, and i am having some issues with parents, too. She could be being disrespectful because other things are going on in her life and she feels like you can't fix them. When is the last time that you and your daughter have really had a talk about important stuff? No matter how disrespectful she is being, she needs to know that you still love her and care about her. Chances are, after saying something especially horrible she feels bad about it. I always do. It is not your fault that she is acting this way, but it is important not to stop trying to get through to her. don't crowd her though.

Answer 5

OK, Step dad! HOW HORRIBLE! LOL. She is still just 16. You need to talk to her mother and discuss taking her off of myspace, punish her- you are still in charge. 16 is a rough age. They know everything, they are never wrong, they can talk and act the way they want to- either take everything away or tell her she needs to get a job and the only time she can get something new is when she pays for it. Show her- if she wants to act like an adult be one, if she wants to act like a baby- treat her like a baby. One missed high school dance and she'll kick the habit!

Answer 6

How long have you been married? If it's been a relatively short time, than I'd say bide your time and give the relationship time to develop. And I'd guess the length of time that her father and mother have been apart may be an issue too. Also remember that teenage years can be rough anyway, and she may be dumping on you a general frustration for other things that are wrong with her life. If it really interfers with your life though, talk to your husband, and consider family counselling.

Answer 7

That's a tough situation. I can relate because I didn't approve of my new stepdad and gave him alot of trouble. I also started sneaking out, skipping school, and hanging with the wrong crowd. She probably still wants her mom and dad to get back together. And that may take alot of time for her to get past that feeling. I suggest having a talk with her. Just you and her maybe go for a walk to the park or get some ice cream just so you can get away. Ask her what her problem with you is. Be as understanding as you can, because the last thing you want to do is fight. Just listen to what she has to say. If she says she wants more time with her dad, they should set out a night where it's just the two of them. I know it's hard for you, because you just want to be accepted but it took me 5 years to really like my stepdad and get to know him. No one likes change so it's definetely an adjustment. If things are really bad, ask your husband if he would be opposed to family counseling. Hope things work out.

Answer 8

As long as you think of her as a "nasty disrespectful 16 year old" that is what she will probably be. Try being her friend and allow her and her father to have special time together. This is a super hard time for her. I know it's stressful- but try to be patient.

Answer 9

You and her need time together alone. She should be adult enough to respect her father's choices. If she can't hang then maybe she should go with mom for a while. Try a mother daughter out ting and tell her how you feel.

Answer 10

first of all, you need to realize that when a parent divorces, then remarries, the child feels as if they are being "replaced" or abandoned.

it's not your fault, however, it needs to be dealt with.

kids not emotinally equipped to handle adult issues and they shouldn't be expected to do so.

also, when parents divorce, sometimes kids think it's their fault, and it causes them quite a lot of emotional upset.

has anyone ever asked her how SHE feels ? has anyone approached her and asked her if she knows why she's so upset and angry? has anyone told her "we care, and we know you are hurting, what can we do to help?"

You are a victim of this child's emotional upset over her parents' divorce and her feelings of abandonment and loss. You are an intruder in her eyes, and i realize you haven't done anything to her directly. But she probably feels you have.

She needs positive attention and help. Being angry and upset with her isn't the answer.

If you and your husband don't calmly ask the girl how she is feeling, or communicate with her, things will never change.

Perhaps consider individual and family counseling to learn how to cope and how to make things run smoother in your lives.

take care...