Being the bad guy with the In-Laws?

Question

For my husbands mothers birthday we decided all the grandkids would get a picture taken together. There are only two girls, one of which is mine and my sister in law wanted them to dress the same. I made the mistake of telling her to let me know if she saw something that she liked. She emailed me a picture of the ugliest dress I have ever seen. I emailed her back pretending to never get the first email with dresses I found. But she is insiting on her dress. Not only is the dress expencive but I can't take it back to that store. I am always the bad guy with him family ( married to their only son, brother) my husband thinks I am overreacting, should I just go buy the fugly dress?

I forgot to mention that the sisiter in law will take it personal and the whole family will know with in minutes. I usually stand my ground I just wanted to know if this was worth all the drama they will create.

I forgot to mention that the sisiter in law will take it personal and the whole family will know with in minutes. I usually stand my ground I just wanted to know if this was worth all the drama they will create.

Answer 1

I know how you feel. If you can avoid something it will be easier than risking the making of waves. It's called avoiding confrontations, and I'm one of them too.
But there does come a time when you have to try to diplomatically tell the truth. Because unfortunately, people usually treat you the way you promote yourself.
Try to be honest, sweet and firm. Make a statement to her, not a question. Be chirpy, don't low monotone it, or she will smell your fear. Think of a question for her to follow straight after your statement to direct her away from it. She is forced to answer your question before she can protest.
Something like: "I've decided that the (eg. pinafore) style just does not suit (your girls name), but it looks lovely on (her girls name). Have you decided what your boys are wearing?"
If she still persists, make light of it. But be careful it's nothing she can take offence to. Make the joke on yourself, so she has to laugh with you.
Eg: "(your daughter's name) has no waist, she would look like a fence post in that!" lol.
What ever she says, don't let her push you around. Just make another firm statement. Like: "No, I've decided on a pretty little skirt and top for her." (smile) Another question: "Where are we having the photo taken?"
Best of luck.

Answer 2

Depends how much the photos cost. If its something like Walmart or Target, while you're spending money, its not so bad as if you go somehwere were you have to pay a $70 sitting then $70 more just for a photo or buy a big package.

Also, see if you can recommend coordinating colors instead - or that this one she likes is too fancy or too informal for this other occasion (if you celebrate Easter, now might be the perfect time to use an Easter dress excuse). Or find one that coordinates, and say you got it at a really good deal.

If the boys arent dressing totally alike plus it will look silly if the girls do. Plus say you want a copy for yourself and dont want people to be confused thinking they are twins.

Answer 3

You should have been truthful when you first saw the ugly dress. Just go ahead and tell her you're sorry, but you find it hideous and don't want such an ugly dress ruining the picture for you. Then offer to go shopping together like someone else advised. And if she says no, or if you can't agree on a dress, then just scrap the whole matching idea and find your child a dress that won't clash with the ugly one.

Personally, I feel like people should always stick to their guns and not worry about what the others think. You just need to be polite about it.

Answer 4

I used to worry about what my inlaws think, but I don't anymore, if I don't like the way something looks I tell them. The child is your daughter, you asked for help not dictation, just be honest and say you do not like the dress. Don't worry if it upsets your sister in law, and go on about your business.

Tell them what you are looking for in a dress so that they can better help you decide. If they still insist on that dress just be honest. I don't like that, and being her mother you have the right to choose. If you can't agree on a dress that the kids will match in, then you need not match them. Sorry I did not catch the part where sis in law wanted them to match. It is ok that you do not like the dress, this is your husbands picture as well. Ask him what he thinks about the dress. It is his mother, and you can stand his opinion over his sister's, and just tell him, Honey you can be honest. Do you really like the dress?

The big issue here though is you standing up to them. If you do not stand up to them then they will always be this way to you, but if you show them that you have an opinion and you would like it to be considered that you need to let them know. I am not trying to be mean here when I say this. I totally understand where you come from. You did tell her to let you know if she saw something she liked. That opened the door for disaster.

It boils down to two choices, buy the dress or don't. If it is too expensive that can be your number one reason for not wanting to get it.

Sorry that I was not more help here.

Answer 5

I would never buy an expensive, ugly dress just to please my sis-in-law. If you don't like the dress, tell her you don't and suggest the two of you can pick one together. She doesn't have any problem insisting that you use the dress she wants without consideration for your feelings. What does that say about how she feels about you. I would say she knows that if she is firm on the issue, you will cave. So don't do it. It is just a picture, but it sets a relationship precedent you don't want to start. You don't have to be rude about it, just say, "You know this dress really isn't my style and quite honestly, is more expensive than I am comfortable with. Why don't we see if we can find something we are both happy with." If she doesn't understand and continues to insist on the dress, let her get it, and you get one that you like.

And yes, given your added info, it is definitely worth it. You don't want to give your in-laws that kind of power over you do you? Do you want to tip-toe around his sister for the rest of your life in fear that she might get her feelings hurt and the family might get mad at you? It's not worth that!

Answer 6

The first thing to remember is that you married your husband and not his family. Although it would be nice for you to have their approval of you, it shouldn't harm your immediate family- that being your husband and your daughter/children. You can't really tip toe around people who dislike you because they will always find a reason to have something negative to say to or about you. So there's no reason to hide your true feelings. If you're dishonest with your feelings to save an argument or to put yourself in a good light with them, they may outwardly be nice to you; but, if they found out you were shuckin-n-jivin to be accepted, they wouldn't have much respect for you. That's worse than not having their approval. Be up front with them, gain their respect and keep it- that's your goal as an in-law.

As far as the dress, I personally think it would be a dumb idea for your daughter and your neice to wear the same dress because they aren't sisters. Siblings, twins more specifically, dress alike; counsins don't. It was not a mistake to ask your sister in law to show you dresses that she liked. It WOULD have been a mistake to ask her to actually pick the dresses. Those are two different things. You should never allow someone to dress your child unless they're in that persons care, which your daughter is not. How can SHE insist that YOUR daughter wear something that you don't like?

Also, what is your husband's role in all of this? You're ALWAYS the bad guy? You can only be seen that way if your husband never stands up for you. It doesn't seem as if he takes your concerns of standing out very seriously. Even if you are overreacting, he should at least address your concerns by observing any unfriendly behavior towards you from his family.

If your sister in law is insisting on the dresses she chose, I'm assuming the business with you lying to her via email is over and done. There's no need to confess to her that you lied, I think that would make things worse. Just make a conscious effort to be up front with your in laws. But, if you really don't want your daughter to wear the dress, you do have options. You can a. tell your sister in law that you want your daughter to have her own identity and don't want the kids wearing alike dresses, b. get your husband's opinion and support and let him tell your sister that neither one of you like the dress, or c. you can offer to go shopping with your sister in law, spending quality time, and pick similiar but not alike dresses. Are the boys in your family dressing alike? If not, you don't owe anyone any option and can tell you sister in law you daughter is simply not wearing the dress, period.

Answer 7

well the pic will last a lifetime, so i would decide if you can live with this memory or not. ask him if its ok to spend that much on a dress and if he says its too steep, put the blame on him and go with a different set of dresses. if sis-in-law offers to pay for dress, then you won't have anything to be upset about except maybe the pics! Good Luck!

Answer 8

I think you should definately tell her how you felt about that dress. Maybe add that your daughter saw and and refuses to wear it :) A little decietful, but hey, whatever works. You two should agree on a dress, and not the one you hate just because she wants it. I am sure you will be able to find something you both like. (would you mind posting a link to the dress, I am intrigued :) I would love to see how ugly it really is)

Answer 9

I think you should have spoke up when you had the chance. Fugly dress's are just that, blah. No one wants their child to be in one of them. I would explain that the dress is a bit out of your budget and taste. Then make yourself available to go shopping with her. You set yourself up for a fugly dress when you told her to let you know when she found something. That comment to me would mean, you didn't care about the cost or look of it. Good luck to you!!

Answer 10

LOL. I'm in the same predicament with my husband's family, except there's no dress involved. I say, stand your ground. Insist that both you and your sis in law must agree on the same dress or they'll be in different dresses in the picture. If she gets this one over you, theres no telling where it'll lead. Always stay on your toes.