Can anybody say something good?

Question

I am really alone right now. I have nobody to talk to. I am so upset and depressed about being alone. I am in love with someone I see everyday and I can't take the feeling of rejection anymore. I have to see him every day i go to work. Leaving my job is not an option. I am 36 and have never had a relationship. I think it will never happen. I feel like all the good things in my life don't matter. Even if I get over him I feel like I can't stand to imagine going through another rejection again. I am seeing a psychiatrist and on medication, so please don't tell me to get help. I am just hoping someone could say something kind . Has anyone gone though this? I have never met anyone my age who has never had any kind of relationship whatsoever.

He told a friend of mine that he 'can't' give me a chance because he 'does not want a relationship and is working on something else.' That sounds like he is working on another girl, to me... Oh well. :(

Answer 1

Want the truth? Every person past the age of 12 has gone through this and don't believe anyone who tells you different. As humans we seek comfort and solice in social settings, whether it be friends, co-workers, family or a future partner. This is entirely normal.

And, when confronted with the dreaded "what we can't have" we have all fallen victim to utter heartache, the bitter acceptance of what will never be, could never be yet may have been.

It is akin to many other facets of life, like not-so-pretty girls wishing they were prettier. It is akin to a short man wishing he were taller. Or a sick child wishing "if only" it wasn't them. Or it is akin to a girl so desperately wanting to be a pilot for her entire life, only to be told that it was a passion that will never, ever be realized. And all these things hurt, and at some core level seem to destroy all our faith in age old sayings like if you try harder good things will come, or that perserverance can overcome anything, or that good things will come to good people.

But, yet, we try, we push, all to no avail, our hands left empty and our hearts sinking into a pit of despair that we truly wonder if we will ever recover to not only go on, but to - perchance? - to thrive?

This is a problem I faced for the first time long ago, as you have here, in relation to being in love with someone who did not love me back. And it made me wonder about the grand scheme of things, made me wonder about my purpose in life. But, moreover, it made me wonder if, just maybe, that this grand thing called love was but a special gift reserved for a lucky few and that I would truly never, ever be it's receiver.

And, if so, what is my purpose? How will I fill the hours? What do I do on holidays and weekends? And how, oh God, how will I fill the hours, weeks, and years of my life remaining?

But there is a relationship that you do have, one of love, which has been going on a very, very long time. And it is one of acceptance, of support, of laughter and tears. And it is the most important one you will ever continue to have should you live a thousand, million years.

It is the relationship you have with yourself.

Who are you? What are you? Are you a valuable person with endearing traits? Smart? Funny? Inventive? Peaceful and calm? The question is...exactly how do you relate to yourself?

Why do I say all this? Because like it or not, deal or no deal, take it or leave it there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this Heaven or Earth that you can do to make someone love you. It is the hard fact that, if you do not accept it, will swallow the next 36 years of your life, leaving the sad tale to tell of a person who had such chances, such opportunities, but they were all lost becaue of this one thing he/she could not have.

But the one option you do have here is to see that, regardless of this person in your life, you are valuable, you have merits, and you have such special gifts to bring to this world that if you do not, the world shall suffer from it and be a less good place to live.

Are you a person who deserves happiness? Do you deserve to feel fulfilled and worthwhile? Do you deserve to spend more time smiling than crying? Then show this to the most important person in the room with you at any given moment - yourself - and move on, to go out there and explore this entire world and discover, develop, and grow all those things inside you which, regardless of this person in your life, are there, have value, and MUST be used lest the world suffer for it.

Lest you suffer for it.

And when you find this within yourself, that you deserve more than doating on what will never be, and, might I dare say, discover that there are still so many wonderful things to experience I dare say then will come that thing that, honestly, we all seek and need above all - love.

So, is my answer unfair? Truly? Then ask yourself this. I have a niece born with a deadly illness to the point wherein the first year of her life she maxed out her insurance benefits, went on Medicare, has 30 operations just to save her life, and will suffer with a need for transplants until she dies, that is if she lives long enough to get to the next transplant.

She has never been in love, has never known someone to be in love with her. Does her life cease to have value, as she will never, possibly, live long enough for a man/woman to embrace her with unequivocable love and acceptance? Should she end it now, give it up, thrown in the towel and denounce her life as a sham?

No.
And neither should you.

Imagine you are looking for this bird, a rare, so very rare, special bird that, when you find it, your life will be fulfilled to such a degree that you could never have imagined. And you toil and work so hard for so many, many years to find this bird. And you thought you did, only it wasn't quite the bird for you.

But the thought of keeping trying is too much to bear. All your efforts may, again, come to not. You can't stand it, can't go on, can't stop crying for those wasted years.

But then you let go of this false bird, and dare to live a life imaging a future. And you toil, though slowly at first, really not believing, living more out of habit than purposefulness.

But unless your hands - and heart - have been emptied of this false love there can be no room for that love that you so rightly, justly seek.

You have to let go.
And it will hurt.
And it will tear you up.
And you will think that you cannot go on.
And you will wonder "what I am for?"
And you will believe that all those good things in life are for other people.

But it is only by walking past the mirage of what we thought we were searching for, by going over that next blistery hill, no water in sight, no hope in sight, continuing to toil and walk and strain against all hope, that we can, then, finally cross into that valley where our oasis, our paradise, will be found.

But if you don't let go of this mirage, you will stay by its side and you will die - your heart will cease - and it was all for not.

Please keep walking. Please find that you are worth this risk, and another risk, and another risk after that. That you have such value and love to give that you must go on.

Why? Because, and this I promise with all my heart, there is your future partner out there, waiting, searching, wanting, lost from wasted toil, searching for you, so desperate in their heart to find you, and if you do not let go of this present your true, future partner will never find you, and you will both live a lonely life of what could have been, entrapped in a present that is only a shadow of what love had to offer you.

And how do I know? Well, since I was very young, in my 20s, I thought, I knew that I just was an odd duck for this planet. I didn't seem to fit. I just didn't see it every working out to find love. I seemed so different, that the only way to get any love was to foster a false image of myself just to have anyone, someone to hold onto.

And so I went through different relationships, and while all were not bad, none were that person. And sometimes, often times, I held on, could not bear another journey into the unknown, and wasted years and years and years and years. I even joked to myself that, with my luck, the man I was supposed to have married is probably on the other side of planet and, following further with my luck, probably just died about 20 minutes ago.

And you know what? After 37 years of pain and toil I found him, and he was on the other side of the planet! And he, too, it turned out, also has spent so long lost and feeling out of sorts with the world. And by the sheer grace of happenstance we came together and us two misfits have been having the time of our life ever since.

But this isn't an easy story, because I have been there, in that darkness right with you, of ready to give up, or knowing I cannot go on, enwrapped with false loves that barely answered the thirst I held.

And do I had to let go. And walked alone for a long, long time. I started branching out and doing things that I enjoyed, exploring me. And suddenly, by accident, there he was.

And, oh, thank God I kept walking forward, past the mirage, for if not I would still be there and my sweet, sweet husband would be alone, or in some false relationship, with his heart still wondering..."where is she? where is she?"

Good luck.
I truly, with all my heart, wish you out of this pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

I can sympathize with you, a few years ago I was that person, in fact the only difference is that all my friends had someone. Which made me feel even more alone, especially when we were all together. I have come to learn that it isn't so bad, I kind of miss being single sometimes, I met a wonderful man when love and relationships were the last thing in the world I wanted or was looking for. Trust me you will find someone, but not until you are meant to. I now firmly believe that people come into our lives for a reason, and only when they are meant to, it's almost like fate, but not as complicated. Now I have to ask, have you already attempted to speak to this person you love about the possibility of the two of you dating? Or are you just afraid that if you do you will be rejected? If it is the second option, you should try to maybe have coffee or something with this person, after work if you both get off at a similar time, or take a break together and just be company, this way there is no rejection and it's a good way to start a friendship, which is the basis of any good relationship. If none of the above applies I am sorry, I just wanted to try to help because I understand how you feel. Just try to remember that you are a wonderful person, no matter what anyone else says or does, you are worthy of a great person, and in time, that person will find you or realize how wonderful you truly are. Try and focus on the loving family and friends you have, the things that make you happy etc. Try making plans to go out and do stuff, with others or by yourself. Studies have proven that making plans, a few days or a week in advance can actually boost your mood naturally, it increases chemicals in your brain that excite you, since you are looking forward to something fun. I hope that helped even a little. You will pull through! :o)

Answer 3

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. The good things in your life DO matter. I am sorry you have never had a relationship and that you feel alone. Have you thought about helping someone in need? That's what I do when I get down. I know that if I help someone else it will bring me happiness. 'There is more happiness in giving than in recieving'. You are so involved in your problem that you are not seeing the little things that are beautiful in life. Don't let life pass you by. Life is short and you should find some way to find happiness right now, even if it means putting off that relationship for now. I too, hate rejection. I will purposely not ask someone to do something with me because of the fear of being rejected. So do something nice for someone else! That will definitely put a smile on your face and warmth and a feeling of purpose in your heart.

Hope this helps and I hope you can get through this!

Answer 4

You need to feel positive about yourself. I know it can be hard, I've been there and had to take some medication and therapy over a health concern. A thing that many people think when they feel lonely is how better everyone else is doing, it can give you a feeling of being left behind or that if your not doing something at any given time that you are missing out perhaps.

I think the nicest thing I can say to you is that your not alone. You say you fear the rejection, have you tried talking to this guy? If not you might find you wont get rejected, and if he has already then you need to move on. Try find somethign that interests you, a new hobby that will grab your attention and preferably one where you will meet new people.

you say you worry about not having had a relationship, that doesnt make you a bad person, a lot of people are in bad relationships simply for the reason of being in a relationship.


You'll be ok.

Answer 5

I had a very serious relationship with this gurl... n I had to go abroad for a few years for work n stuff. So when I came back, I came to knw she had been cheating on me. That's really worse than rejection... and I know how u feel. I was devastated, for that time and I thought it's the end of the world for me... I was feeling really sad and angry at the same time.. there were so many emotions, i can't even describe what i was going thru... I went to a psychiatrist who suggested some antidepressants n they only made my life worse... Guess what - 2 weeks later my brother passed away n then it dawned on me - That we take so many things for granted,, people who love us so much - we never care about them and always run behind people whom we love , well that's human nature...

That's my story - and I did fall in love again - and it was amazing - i thought i would never but it happened and it's a great feeling... Some things happen only to give way to better things - There's something really wonderful in store for u - u just gotta feel good be positive and gr8 things will happen... My advice for u is that for now_just relax ur mind>>> don"t think too much n trust in urself that ur a very strong person n u can handle anything>

Answer 6

I can tell you that as alone as you're feeling right now, you are never actually all alone. Whether you call it God, or an energy, or higher power, something greater than yourself has put you here by no accident. You are also not the only one who's been without a relationship at your age. I have a friend who's almost 40 and other than crushes, shes never been in a relationship. She hurts sometimes, as we all do in our own little hells (or so I call them). I'm sorry for your suffering. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I urge you...no, I beg of you to watch it and give it a chance. It's called "The Secret" and you can view it for free at www.wegotshows.com/movies/the_secret.html
However, I just attempted to re-watch it and the website seems to be running slow right now, but you could pick up the dvd or the book. It's definitely a self help tool for sure! Also, if you have time, please check out one of my questions on yahoo answers which was " Why can't I let him go and finally move on with my life?" I know we do not have the exact dilemmas, but the answers that I received were very helpful to me and may just help you a bit as well. It always seems to help me to read other peoples stories...helps me feel not so alone in my pain. You sound to me to be a very beautiful, compassionate, worthy person who deserves to be loved...and YOU ARE LOVED!

I wish you the very best in your search for him! Neither you nor I will end up alone if we don't want to be!

Blessings to you sweetie:)

Answer 7

Sweetie I feel ur pain. I really do. I'm also in therapy for depression, but what we have in common is that I'm 24, in college and am the spitting image of the movie titles "never been kissed" and " The 40 yr Old Virgin ."... Minus the 40 yr old part. I can't meet anyone for the life of me. My suggestion is to really get active in something. Think of thinks u use to enjoy whether its sports, writing, music. Take some singing lessons, writing lessons, join a sport. Anything ur heart desires. It a great way to get unstuck from that pity feeling and u'll be around people that u can possibly build friendships w/.
Even if its just getting involved w/ ur church. Now is the time for u to do something for u! UR LIFE IS NOT OVER OR ENDING, UR LIFE IS CONTINUING. Its time to make the best of it for u and no body else regardless of loneliness, depression or anything else. Just say "so what, I'm gonna do it anyway!" "I'm depressed and lonely, but I'm gonna do something for me anyways!" Think of it this way, if u get active and make outside connections then great, if u get active and start enjoying life and u again great, if ur still unhappy and it doesn't work out, then at least u tried and ur not going to be any worse than u r now. Take my advise and do something fun and exciting for the pure joy of it. Take up painting, pottery or anything at all even if u say "well I could never do that!" So what try is any ways. Create the solutions around r blocks. For example if ur heart desires to dance, I want u to make a list of ALL the reasons u think u can't do it. Even if its about time, money, finding a place, just make that list and then look into is and see if u can do it. Don't stop urself before starting. Find solutions around the blocks u create. And most of all have FUN. Don't take everything seriously or literally. I do send u my love and support. XOXO.

Answer 8

I am not your age but I am alone and at times it too feels like nothing will ever happen or work out. LIFE SUCKS - I think everyone will agree. But there is a lot of good things. First your 36, and 36 isnt an old maid - you will find someone ten times better than the guys you have feelings for now. Second you soooo not alone in any way. We all feel alone, we all feel like we cant handle life at times, we all have our days where we go home and curl into a ball and try not to think about tommarrow.

even if you cant see the good in life see the growth - if your unhappy it means you have an oppertunity to grow and get the hell out of the misery you are in. Perhaps I am pessimistic, but there has been times that the only thing that kept me going was the fact that tommorrow is tommarrow.

one of my freinds has had countless relationships and the other day I was in your mindset and I told her that I was jealous that she has had REAL relationships and I havent. She responded that REAL as in REALLY bad - look as your time alone as missing out on heartbreak aftert heartbreak

Answer 9

We all go through lonely times in life, even when we appear to have everything and everyone around us...so don't believe your alone. Sounds like you haven't met the right person....get out more and try to start making new friends, and relationships will come along with. Only one suggestion for the moment....watch Joyce Meyers on TV...she's a minister and has some of the easiest, best teachings I've ever heard and has written many books, etc., on what your describing. You'll feel instantly uplifted from her, unless you hate God, which i doubt. As remember the saying, it too will pass....which is stated to people in severe pain to remember that everything does pass in time and what your feeling now will not always be what your future holds. Good luck and start by taking baby steps right now, give yourself some time and be patient, and pray....your life will change before you even realize it!

Answer 10

What ever you do, do not despair. Maybe if you allow yourself to be put into positions where you are able to meet guys and talk to them, a relationship will occur. Rejection??? He can only say no, and if he does, his loss, right? Do not let the unknown scare you. If you never try, you will never know. You are in good hands with your doctor and the meds WILL help. Keep your head up and stay positive, no matter what. Love will find you, if you let it happen. I promise. Talk with your psychiatrist about letting people in your life and your fear of rejection. Open your heart and let them help. You are not alone. I was on antidepressants for 3 years and then I picked myself up, got off the meds, and met and married a wonderful man. All hope for you is NOT lost. I wish you the best of luck in life and love. God Bless, Linda

Answer 11

Every person has ups and downs in their life. Your still young enough to find that special person. You have had no special relationship? In our life which I now see as being a blessing, through six knee operations including a right knee total knee replacement. We meet certain people who do not respond because they do not know your feelings. To suffer in silent depression is a waste of time. I have been their and done that. I always liked this beautiful Blondie from southern California. I always had feelings for her but she was dating someone else. Like most people I have a code of honor I live by. I do not hit on a friends girlfriend even if I knew her first. She now refuses to speak to me because she stated she loved me too much to just be friends. The point is simple to me. Does the man your attracted to know how you feel? If not try and engage in a conversation and find out what he likes. Find out what you can about his interests and then approach him with some questions on sports or what it is he likes. After awhile either he will pick up on you or at least you tried. Silent suffering does no one good.