My child is out of control! and so am i!?

Question

My son is completely out of control. He's six years old and I swear I am ready to pack him up and move him out. I'm a 24 year old single mom that has lost all control of my child. I tell him its shower time and all hell breaks lose. He kicks, screams, cries, tells me no, tells me I'm mean, etc. Same things often in the car--kicking the seat, telling me he hates me blah blah blah BUT WHAT KILLS ME is he has these fits and then goes back to his sweet self and I do admit that i also go loco during these fights i do yell/cuss back after 30 minutes of it and its exhausting and lose my wits and just dont know how to handle....i guess im just asking for advice here. please i need to get control back, help him understand how to respect what he's told, and how to control my own temper during these arguments

Answer 1

It's because you go loco that he does.

All you need to do is keep your cool, and STAND FIRM. Don't change your mind, but don't freak out.

It will take a while for him to learn the new pattern, but if you keep it up, he will learn that throwing a fit doesn't work...Don't forget, Dr. Phil says that kids do what works. If you don't let him get away with it, he'll stop doing it.

Answer 2

First of all, I know what you're going through, I have a six year old boy myself and he is a handful.

Earlier in the day, talk to him about how all actions have consequences. Give him examples that he can relate to.

Now tell him what his consequence will be if he doesn't take his shower that night as well as the behaviour you expect from him. Tell him that you'll give zero chances.

You can role play and give him lots of positive reinforcement. If he doesn't want to role play then you'll just have to do both roles!

Make sure that the consequence is something that he values i.e. a toy, a tv show, computer time, outside play time.

Stay calm if he throws a fit and tell him the consequence, give no second chances and follow through.

Non-appropriate consequences: his night time story, supper, or some event too far in the future

1. Inform him ahead of time.
2. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm...
3. Follow through

It may not happen overnight but when he sees that you are serious then he'll start to come around at which time you'll want to praise him/sticker chart (if he's into that).
Hang in there!

Answer 3

I have a 12 year old that hates to get in the shower too. I used to just let her not shower sometimes which was a mistake. Not being consistent makes them argue even more. Your six year old needs to know what is expected of him and when. Make Shower Time at the same time every day and give him a choice of morning or night, bath or shower. That makes him feel like he has control too. As for going loco... stop, breathe, remember he is the child, it's his job to test you and you are the parent, it's your job to be the adult and stay calm. Cussing at him will only teach bad manners and make you feel guilty afterwards. Hang in there, I was a single mom for 10 years and I know it's not easy but find a mom group or a support group to help you feel less alone.
-Good Luck

Answer 4

You are wise to try to correct this now!
He is one smart cookie, since he knows how to push your buttons.
He is probably in school and daycare for much of his waking hours and wants your attention. You need to sit him down during a calm time and tell him how much you miss spending more time with him. Tell him that the next time he throws a fit you are going to ignore him, but you will read to or cuddle him ( or something else he enjoys) if he behaves for an evening or some other set time period. Then be sure to follow through. Even when administering consequences, don't lose your temper. Just close the door and walk away.
He doesn't like the shower - would he prefer a tub bath?

Answer 5

It's hard but you can't expect him to have self control at 6 when you don't have self control at 24.

You need to sit down and give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself that you have a healthy, smart 6 year old and he can behave like any other child.

Set up some basic house rules. Write them down so that he can see them. Write down the consequences if they are broken. Also write down a nightly schedule which includes mealtimes, homework times, and bathtimes. He'll know what to expect and when to expect it.

Be confident when you tell him that changes are happening. Apologize for losing control but let him know that the days of argueing with a six year old are over. Let him know that he no longer has the option to do what he wants. He must be obedient.

Because you love him you must stick with the rules and consequences. Do not give in just because he calmed down and everything is peaceful. If you said no video games then it means NO VIDEO GAMES. Be strong, you both deserve it.

Take Care. SD

Answer 6

First of all, you need to relax. You sound so lost. I can appreciate that because I was too when I had my first child.
Let's take it back to basics. Any healthy relationship that exists has some basic things in common. Respect, trust and understanding are just a few. These aspects are important whether you are friends with your neighbour, boyfriend, 50 year old or 3 year old. Imagine how delicately and creatively you handle yourself around a co-worker, boss or good friend. You unknowingly, give them more understanding and patience than your own son. This is normal but it seems a little displaced. Your son deserves no less.
A child, every child, sees their parents as heros - unable to do anything wrong in their eyes. However, that's not to say that a boy of 6 is not clever and perhaps, troubled. You can not engage your son by yelling or 'cussing' at him. That will tell him that that behaviour is acceptable and you don't want him to deal with situations that way. Besides, it is your job to show love and empathy at all times. Love is a learned behavior and what you say but most importantly what you do will demonstrate to him how to love the people around him and those in his future.
You are in control even though sometimes it feels the other way around. You must mean what you say - always. That could be a disciplinary action or a reward. If you say you'll take him to the park, make sure you do. If you say he'll loose t.v. time than you must follow through or he will not take you seriously next time. Unfortunately, we are not suppose to be our kids best friend but their caring teachers and sometimes the lessons are hard. I've heard said that if your child doesn't hate you occassionally than you are not doing your job right!
Children are all about trial and error. When they find that something works, they will continue that behaviour. Children and everyone for that matter do things for a reason. Your son is acting out for a reason. He is not trying to make you angry, frustrated or overwhelmed. He is communicating the best he knows how. Perhaps, he is upset because he rarely sees you because you work so often, maybe he is exhausted and hungry when he acts like this, could something 'terrible' have happened to him today but he just can't articulate what exactly it was because he can't find the right words......... I'm sure the list could continue. A child can 'feel' or sense when you are troubled about other things and this may cause negative nervous energy and acting out is his way of coping.
Before you get crazy, try to look at the world from your son's eyes. What has just happened that perhaps, could have caused this behaviour. Sometimes we ask too much of our child by expecting good behaviour as we shop for hours, focus our attention on friends or go too long between meals. This is when we need to point the finger at ourselves and recognize that we are pushing too hard.
When he acts like this, simply walk away or stop talking to him. Let him know that you are willing to talk with him when he is calm and you can discuss the 'problem'. Children are not able to sort out their frustrations, emotions and anger. You have to help him to understand and cope with these feelings. "I know that you have had a long day and you are tired but if we can get this bath over with we can..........play teenage mutant ninja turtles for 15min, watch your favorite cartoon together, read your favorite book........." These are some ideas to offer your son to persuade him to help because it will be in his best interest. Sometimes, something upsetting has happened and he just needs you to understand and tell him it will be okay........" I know you broke you truck and I would be really sad too if it were mine. Perhaps we can play with your other one or look for the same one at the store next week." Showing your son empathy and understanding can only bring about more calm. Tell him that you have messed up if you have. Admitting to your mistakes makes it easier for him to admit his.
Your son is a 6 year old little person who just needs some time, patience and tlc. Don't argue with him like he's 20. Ask him what is wrong and try to sort it out together. This makes you a team striving for the same goal. Despite appearances, he not the devil but a confused child who needs a hand to hold. Treat him with love and respect and you will get the same in return. Good Luck - I hope this has/will help.

Answer 7

Who is the parent here? Seriously. HE IS 6 YEARS OLD FOR GOD"S SAKE! Take a belt or a wodden stick and spank him. Spanking is not to instill pain as it is to instill fear. That's what you want to do. Until he understands whose boss, he needs to fear the boss. He needs to know that if he throws a fit that you will punish him. You yourself need to set an example. Be calm. TAke it easy. I saw this mother handle it beautifully yesterday. Her son who was 4 was throwing a fit. She said " Noah, please come here" becuase it was in public. She took him to the back of the building. She said "I love you but I have to spank you because you are misvbehaing." She spanked him very hard. The n again she said " I love you sweetheart, but until you behave you are going to sit right here." The boy sat there for about 5 minutes. He calmed down and she asked whether he was ready to behave. He said yes and all was well in paradise. So, i hope you get some idea, and get a hold of youself. It'll be for the best of you and most importantly, your son. :)

Answer 8

My kid is 4, and I am also at the moment a single parent.. He gets like that too. The only thing you can do is not pay attention to him/ignore him when he is throwing a fit, and tell him he isnt going to get his way acting like that. Put him in a time out maybe in his room, and take away all his toys that he likes to play with so he sees your serious, and let him know until he behaves he isnt going to get any of it back, and he isnt allowed out of his room. When he dont want to take a shower dont argue, just tell him if he dont then he dont get something he might want like a certain treat or something. Let him know he will be rewarded only for good behavior. The more you get agry, or respond when he gets like that the more he is also going to act like that because he sees you doing it(I know its hard to stay calm in this situation because I too lost it a couple times because of how my kid was acting)Just remember to ignore/put him in timeout somewhere where he cannot play with anything, or have anything he likes until he calms down, and starts listening again. Then when it comes to him doing good its nice to give them some kind of reward once in a while to show them that they get what they want more when they listen more. Hope it helps, it did for me.

Answer 9

We teach our children (as well as other people) how to treat us. I remember the days when my oldest was pushing her limits with me and I, just like you, would lose it. I did the only thing I knew how to do, yell. I was raised by an abusive mother who constantly screamed at me for everything so it was a natural progression for me to end up like that. It took MANY MANY years to break the habit and teach myself other ways to parent my children. I'm not perfect and I do still have my moments but, for the most part I can keep my cool.

You have taught him that he can manipulate you and get his way. He knows that he has complete control once you lose it and he uses that against you. He knows that if he just keeps pushing you will lose control and he will have won. Keep that in mind.

Controlling your temper is very difficult to do but try these out and see if they help. Remember, it is not the actions of the child that upsets us, it's our perception of those actions. We tend to think they are attacking us personally and turn it all inward when, actually, it is not that, it is normal for him to pressure you and try to get you to establish boundaries and stick to them. Also, every time you feel that rage building up and a big yelling fit coming on, think of how much it pleases him to get you to that point. That one was enough to get me to back down and BREATHE!

Never ever react to your children through emotions. Do your best to distance yourself from the situation as much as possible so that you don't let your emotions overtake you. If you are in the car when it happens, COUNT all the way home, ignoring him. When you get home, pick him up, put him in his room, walk away and go catch your breath for a minute. After you have calmed yourself down enough, go talk to him. Tell him that he has to take a bath NOW or he will have to go to bed NOW. If he stinks, he stinks, he won't die from it. Give it a few days until he sees that he cannot get control of you anymore and he will start letting up eventually.

Explain what is going on to his teachers if necessary so that they don't worry about his cleanliness or well being. Warn people ahead of time that he might smell for awhile. Don't let him have the power. You are the adult.

Answer 10

Stop. If your in the car and he starts pull into the nearest parking lot, park the car tell him to let you know when he is done and get out. Stand with your back against the door and take some deep breaths. When he is done get back in and continue on your way. You should only have to do it a few times before he figures out that your not going to buy into his fits. When you are at home, put him on a chair or leave him lay on the floor and calmly (but with a firm voice) tell him to "Let me know when your done." Then do whatever....dust, do dishes, watch tv, read a book....count to 100 with your eyes closed. Just don't buy into his fits. He will stop as soon as you quit reacting. I know its hard, but you have to keep working on it. But as he figures out that you are serious the temper tantrums will get shorter and shorter until they disappear. You have to take control....he isn't out of control he is in control and letting you know it. Remember it is really important that you never make a threat you won't follow through with especially since you are a single parent. Stay strong it will work out. Best wishes.