Rude adults?

Question

I'd like to know how to handle adults who are rude to me when my daughter (Who has Autism) is acting like a child with Autism.
I know she isn't perfectly well behaved, but certainly I cannot keep her locked in the house all the time.
In this instance we were at a grocery store to pick up just a few items. She also has sensory integration and became a little hyper, once I told her she could not have a toy doggy she started getting aggitated.
I took this as my cue to head for the door. Almost out the door and some rude, nosey woman told me that my child was "out of control and you need to be more diligent in teaching her appropriate public behavior."
I am hurt and saddened by the amount of adults who are rude and uncaring towards disabled children.
How should I react to this?
Besides wanting to show her what inappropriate bahavior really is :)

Answer 1

Its difficult for adults to understand when you have a child that does not look disabled. I encountered the same thing with my 3 year old disabled daughter (Rett Syndrome) when I was giving her a bottle. She has almost no use of her hands and cannot drink from a sippee. A women commented under her breath on how terrible it was for me to be giving my child a bottle at that age. I was mortified and stunned and didn't respond...this was the first time it has happened. The next time it does I will respond "my child is disabled and I'm lucky she can drink by mouth at all" and that will probably shut them up. You might want to say something like "she is disabled despite my great parenting". I think us parents of disabled kids really need to practice in our heads how to handle all the different scenarios that will pop up so we can educate all those rude and nosey people.

Answer 2

I'm sorry that happened to you and your daughter- some people are just so rude and ignorant. I think if I were in that situation I would just say- wow, I'm sorry you feel my daughter is "out of control" but in case you can't tell she has autism and perhaps instead of judging her behavior you could take a moment and realize she has a disability and try to be more understanding about people you obviously do not even come close to understanding- -- or something like that.. my mom has been disabled since I was 5 years old from a malignant brain tumor and I experienced a lot of rude looks and comments about her- people just dont get it at all - good luck with your daughter I hope you don't experience too many ignorant people in your future.

Answer 3

One of my friends suggested the best answer possible.

"Yes I sincerely hope we will find a cure for autism as well. Perhaps you could donate some money to ___(charity for autism)___."

It's such a fabulous answer (i wish i'd come up with it) as it puts the person in their place for their rudeness, informs them that your child really does have disease--not just bad parenting, and possibly will get some donations to a worthy cause. You will maintain the high road as well, without stooping to her level.

The problem with many children with autism is unlike CP or MS--they don't look any different. So they can't visually get a cue that the behavior isn't just an out of control child.

Honestly, it is amazing the number of people that feel the need to contribute to your parenting. However, as much as I hate to admit it, so many parents today seem to need help that I am sometimes guilty as well--when parents let their children run wild. I was in church recently and the children in front of me were playing with their toys, climbing over the pews and crawling on the floor. It was so distracting I said something to the mother to the effect of "Your children make it unable to hear what the preacher is saying. Perhaps they are not ready for the sanctity of church yet." They were around 7-8 years old though and I felt they really needed good parenting. Sometimes people just can't resist. You were doing the right thing by heading for the door. It can't be easy not being able to finish your grocery shopping, but clearly it is best for your daughter to get her out of their before the sensory integration becomes overwhelming.

Answer 4

I would say very loudly (since you are already probably embarrassed anyway) that it's none of their business but since they decided to get involved your daughter has autism and for a child with her problems she is doing really well right now and ask them for the same paitience they would have expected in a similar situation.... I understand what you mean, that kind of thing pisses me off to no end, my little boy is healthy and disability free but sometimes if he's tired or just in a bad mood he'll cry or be loud in public and the dirty looks and comments make my blood boil and I just want to grab the people by the arm and say do you remember when your kids were young, I can't really imagine they were perfectly quiet all the time and I'm already embarrassed so could you just shut up and quit looking because it really isn't helping matters. I feel your pain.

Answer 5

I think your problem is basically, it is not possible to spot autism unless you are aware of what to look for. An autistic child appears like any other child. Unless you know the behavior patterns, it is impossible to tell.

That said, this woman had no business saying what she did. It sounds like you were doing a good job and every child can get upset or agitated when tired and not getting their own way. That is part of being a child. It is just worse when the child is autistic.

I can only say, don't let it get to you. You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.If anyone is rude enough to berate you, they are not worth worrying about.

Answer 6

Wow, that is incredibly rude. I am sorry that you have to deal with such people.
I personally would remain calm but, stern. Wear a face that shows no emotion but, directly look the woman in the eyes and say "My daughter has Autism. Why would you say a thing like that to me?" Then take your daughter by the hand and say "Come on honey." And walk away.
If you put this woman on the spot then she will feel like a moron. If you flip out and yell and scream at her then you will look like a moron. Plus, of course, it is not so great to do that in front of your daughter.
By adressing the issue sternly but, calmly then you will teach your daughter to mind her manners while still standing up for herself.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your little girl and don't let rude people get you down. I am a strong believer in karma.

Answer 7

I think anyone can relate to their child acting up in a public place. Kids are kids. I feel bad for those like you who have to deal with it more than others. Obviously the one and only thing you are thinking is how to get your child into the car as soon as possible. Next time, take some time and tell the person that you ARE educated in how to control your child and you are fully aware that she is not acting in a way that is acceptable. Go on to tell her that your child has autism and ask her what her education in this is and what would she recommend....

Answer 8

Wow what a rude woman. It really does suck though that you can't always tell if a child is autistic. I sympathize with you. JUst make sure you tell them your daughter is autistic so they feel like total idiots.
At the same time, I understand the woman's point of view, if she thinks your child is not disabled. Then again, only if the child is overly misbehaving and the parents are ignoring it. Not if you are obviously trying to stop her, such as when you were leaving the store.
People are rude, it really sucks.

Answer 9

It angers me to hear of things like this. People can be very rude.
I have found from my own experience with a handicapped sister, that simply saying something like the following really works well:

"Well, actually my child has autism, which causes her to sometimes act this way. I wish people like yourself could show a little more compassion and understanding towards the disabled."

It will probably embarass the hell out of them, and usually you'll get an apology. Good Luck.

Answer 10

Hi,
I have a 13 year old boy with functional autism /he,s come a long way and the bad times are few and far between now.some of that is because he is maturing and some of it comes from wise management.when he was small the sensory thing was a biggie.
that rude woman should try traveling with a child screaming hysterically and fighting his restraints until he passes out from exhaustion,or having to sit down or lay down in a shopping aisle to restrain a kicking ,screaming ,thrashing child because the lights are too bright or too much noise,or too many people.Or have to dress a child stiff as a statue because their routine has been changed .Or have to explain socially inept behavior to everyone.like not responding when spoken to or responding inappropriately.or falling down and rolling himself into a ball.or violent outbursts that happen for no reason at all.
there is no real solution to that im afraid. I had to from nessesity create an alternate world of saftety for him,peopled with those that understood where he was coming from.we tried public school but he didnt fit and couldnt keep up with the expectations.(adults are the worst when it comes to understanding) one teacher said" he makes me look bad!He felt bad about himself and thought everyone acted angry at him all the time. so eventually we found a special school and he began to thrive.weve found adults that will work with him as mentors and he belongs to a boy scout type group from our church and his leader is awesome with him. he,s grown out of a lot of the behaviors and actually knows his limits and uses his (tools) to overcome the bad times. but still he needs to be with those that can support him. maybe i sound too protective of him. but at the same time he does have limitations and it would be just as cruel to throw him into the world and expect him to be okay.or to expect the world to accept him as he is.
my son is one of the biggest blessings in my life and i know you feel like that about your daughter .dont let people get you down.so do what you have to do for her and yourself.forget about the stupid people without understanding .it will get better.I promise.
blessings><>