Why are people so jealous and controlling in relationships?

Question

My fiance was never jealous nor controlling until a month after we became engaged. I have never betrayed his trust and he's never betrayed mine. We had a FAIRYTALE relationship up until now. He worries about me TOO much and it is frustrating. I know that things will only escalate after the marriage. What can I do to let him see that he needs to spend time with his friends as well do I? Breaking up is not an option, I just want my sweet guy back.... Any suggestions?

He and I have been friends for over 8 years. I fell in love with him for his carefree, funloving nature. He was always the first to volunteer to do something fun, always making people laugh. I just don't understand what has changed. I have talked to him about this and he says its all just him, and that I am wonderful. What gives?

Answer 1

That does happen. As soon as there is a ring involved things sometimes go haywire. I speak from experience after I got married I started to get like that. As I was told by my wife. For me it wasn't that I was jealous or didn't want to see here out and about. It was more of just wanting to know what she was doing. I guess you could say that I wanted to be with my wife all the time. And just like you she never did do anything to betray or ruin my trust of her. I guess I felt that with being married I thought it was a told different mind set.

It wasn't till my wife sat me down. Actually yelled at me for being like that. and I realized what I was doing. It also helped that it was making her want to push me away instead of loving me.

I not saying that's the tactics you should take, but maybe you have to talk to him sternly about it. Which ever way you do choose to approach this situation, I definitely suggest to do it as soon as possible. If you let it go to far then it will became a matter of "why are you telling me now and not before". Which can be a different can of worms. Good luck hope things work out for you.

Answer 2

Be VERY sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you already describe as very jealous and controlling.

People who are overly jealous or believe they need to control someone else is a person who is actually very insecure. They feel that the only way to get someone's love, attention, cooperation is to "force it" by manipulation, guilt-trips, controlling behaviors and words.

Why isn't breaking up an option? It is most definitely an option. Why? Because this is your life you're talking about. This is your future you're contemplating. This is about expecting kindness, love and respect from a partner that you're going to promise to be with for the rest of your life.

Answer 3

I do not suggest break up but you certainly shouldn't go any further before this is resolved completely. He seems quite an insecure n lonely person, resulting in him being domineering n possessive. Try to get him to open himself up to more male friends n hobbies. Do not expect things to improve after marriage unless it's resolved now. He may feel that he has even more right over you as the relationship move to yet a deeper level.

Answer 4

Interesting. Well, one of two things is happening. Either his true colors are now coming out since he "has you" meaning being engaged, OR he's just feeling overwhelmed with it and causing him to feel insecure; hense the jealous stuff. Talk to him about it. Ask. I wouldn't be confrontational about it, just keep it light. Ex: "why do you get so jealous/angry when I go get something done; you weren't like this before" kind of thing. You';ll be able tell if his answeres are legitimate or not; or if he says things out of anger; which that is a control issue there.

Answer 5

People say that jealousy and need to control come from insecurity - but I say that, especially in your case, those tendencies can come to the surface when the stakes are higher - marriage, instead of just going to gether, for example. There's a lot at stake when you married. It's a legal contract. This is the time to wonder if you are making the right decision... it doesn't even occur to you while you are dating.
He may not want you to be spending time with your friends if there are single men in that group. Would you want him spending time with his friends if their main activity was picking up girls in bars? Maybe you trust him THAT much and it wouldn't worry you but you'd be in a minority of women.

Answer 6

people who are jealous have low self-esteem, and controlling people suffer from anxiety.

how long have you been involved in this fairy tale? if it's not been a year, perhaps he has "come out of his shell" and you are seeing the REAL person now?

YES it will get way worse after you're married.

if you haven't sat down and talked, expressed your feelings about this, let him know you can't live like this, NOW would be a good time to do so. he can change this in himself, but you can't "fix" him.

have you considered pre-marital counselling? this would be a good place for him to look at his behaviors and hopefully work to change.

otherwise... you're in for the ride of your life... it won't get better.

Answer 7

When a man puts a ring on your finger, he knows you aren't going anywhere and will put up with whatever he does to you. That's how abusers work.

If you like being controlled and dealing with his childish jealousy issues, then marry him.

If not, be the mature person that you should be and get out while you can!

From someone who's been there more than once....

Answer 8

An old saying goes something like: "It is hard to believe someone else is telling the truth if you know that if you were in their shoes, you would be lying." What that means is... If he has had thoughts of cheating or has cheated on you, he will suspect you of cheating on him. Very suspicious.

He's never betrayed you, as far as you know!

Postpone the wedding (since you said breaking off isn't an option).

Get his sorry asterisk into counseling (by himself and/or couples counseling). Also take marriage classes offered by any Christian church (Baptist, Anglican, Protestant, Non-Denominational Bible-based, any major one). Just evaluate the church's views on misogyny first. Some of the churches take a view that women are to be submissive (slave-style) to men and are not to lead, preach, or teach. That is a mis-interpretation of the Bible. God created man and woman equal.

There are passages in the Bible in which women are forbidden from teaching, etc. But those passages referred specifically to women in a particular context - they were not educated - they were not permitted to go to school. An un-educated person (male or female) shouldn't teach on something of which they know little or nothing. To extend those passages to all women is gross injustice and misogyny. God created Eve to be a "help meet" (KJV) for Adam. The word "meet" is used similarly to our use of it today in the phrase "track meet", in which athletes compete on a level playing field. It means equality. Eve was created as Adam's equal, not his slave.

That being said, your future husband needs to submit himself to you (in a loving manner) and you to him (also in a loving manner - NOT in a slavery manner), EQUALLY. His lack of trust, possessiveness, etc. is a bad sign. If you go ahead with the wedding without addressing this situation, you may end up with a toe-tag.

I don't care if you're pregnant (I was born 6 mos after my parents' wedding), or he is being shipped off to Iraq. POSTPONE THE WEDDING and get him into therapy and schedule yourselves for a marriage class, a Christian one taught by someone who is not misogynistic.

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Answer 9

Fairytales aren't real. His true colors are showing-- he is a jealous, controlling, insecure man. Breaking up is always an option- you're not a slave sold to him are you?

Answer 10

Unless he gets medical or psycho help it probably won't change. Guys quite often do a metamorphasas and he will always be jealous and controlling.