enough is enough?

Question

Ok, so my boyfreind and i were living together and to make a long story short, were fighting one day about something irrelevant. Anyway, i said something absolutley horrible and he slapped me across the face. I slapped back and moved out. 3 months later, now we're talking and trying to get back together. Im moving back in with him next month and we are dedicated to being together and working it out. Hes never done anything violent before but i want to ensure this never happens again. SO, ive brought it up about three times, and hes said he was sorry and he would never do it again. I beleive him but know that SOME men do it once, they will do it agian. So ive been talking about it so much to let him know its a big deal to me that this never happens again. I said it on the phone again tongiht and he hungup on me. Now im thinking enough is enough and i should move on and stop talking about it. But part of me is saying that I should be able to talk about my worries as much as I want...

Answer 1

Well .... i think you're right .... enough is enough. Your b/f is likely feeling that you will never forgive him for his mistake and if you're not careful it could effect your relationship in a very negative way. It never pays to rehash past hurts unless they are serious and were left unresolved. This was a one time occurrence and you must believe that or you wouldn't be wanting him back. Let it go .... he said he's sorry so start your relationship fresh and free of past wrongs. If you don't , any new ones will become much bigger than they are because things will just keep compiling.He knows that you won't tolerate physical abuse .... he messed up and you left him. There is no clearer message you can send then that.
If you care about this guy and can forgive him then you have to be willing to trust him . If you can't do that then you are wasting your time . Otherwise move on to build the happy things in your relationship. Don't dwell on this anymore. If he messes up again .... Leave and let that be the end of it.
Take care and good luck : )

Answer 2

Ok, enough. You should have NEVER been hit, period. Men do have tempers, and do fly off the handle, god knows that i have, but i have never had the need, want or motivation to hit another person, muchless a woman. If you told him that you would give it another go, he knows that he's in the hot seat, and if he messes up that he will lose you for good. So for now, let it go.....you have made it quite clear that he needs to be a man. And that's not in his defense, I don't condone anything of that nature, regardless of male to male or female to male or male to female...anyway you look at it it's wrong.
You are gonna feel things when you guys get into fights, that little butterfly in your tummy that says "is going to this time?" or what will he do next? it may haunt you, but if you both feel what you have said that you feel, then i am sure that it will be ok. With the hanging up thing, he more than likely (and i am not him, just guessing) feeling that you already said you would try it again, and ment think that "ok, its over, we can move on" but the woman doesn't, she will remember this like it was a mole on her arm...it may not be seen all the time, but it will be there.

In my opinion, again no matter what a woman does a guy, man should never hit a woman. I'm not saying your right, but I am saying he's wrong. Good luck you two, and be healthy.

Answer 3

You keep talking about it because you don't feel that you have a resolution. He wants to stop talking about it because he may really be sorry, but cannot withstand prolonged doubt about him.

Based on his physical reaction, I'm going to suggest that he has an issue controlling his anger. That he struck physically is a serious thing. It indicates complete failure to reign it in. Chances are high that he needs to seriously work on anger management in order to help himself. He has to be introspective and recognize that he has a problem with anger and that it controls him instead of the other way around. This is something he has to want to do for himself. That you are involved is actually a side thing. He has to want to work on improving himself. He may be sorry in earnest. However, I will reiterate, he has to want to work on improving himself, not to try to suppress it to keep you safe. It won't work. That's what they mean when they say that "if he's done it once, he will do it again." Trying to promise to suppress it won't work in the long run. He has to learn to recognize it, divert it, and reshape it. It's a difficult process, one that goes to the core of his person, but it is possible. A lot of people have done it. So the saying about repeating the behavior is not completely true. Someone that learns to manage his anger can stop physically violent behavior originating from failure to control anger.

All that said, his self-esteem is probably rock bottom right now and is feeling guilty. He doesn't know what he can do to make you trust him except by promising that he won't do it again. You aren't happy with that answer. So you aren't getting resolution. You are just rehashing the same points that have already been made. Each time, he doesn't know what else he can do and each time, you walk away less than satisfied with that as a resolution. It isn't a resolution. His ego is being beaten and he is feeling bad about himself and guilty up everytime it is brought up. Soon, he's going to completely lose his self-esteem. I'll give you a clue. Angry people already have low self-esteem, despite the image they project.

So at this point, you have several options. Trust him, forgive him, and move on. If he does it again, you are gone. You can keep going with this fruitless discussion until he is so wary that he leaves the relationship or become a complete doormat for you. Rest assured that if he becomes a doormat, your relationship will not have any semblance of intimacy, respect, or pleasure. Alternatively, you two can agree on a course of action to both help him and demonstrate that he is sincere. I suggest that he take on the task to manage his anger with you, as a loving partner, to help and support. He can either read and internalize or he can get professionals to help him. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help. That's his part to agree to. Your part is this: if you agree that this incident is resolved based on this path, you drop the subject. Stop beating him up with it and support him. Both of you will reap enormous dividends when he is successful.

Of course I could be wrong and that he doesn't have an issue controling anger. Just ignore what I wrote if that is the case.

Answer 4

Presuming from this question, you would like to know whether or not you should either stop questioning your significant other on a previous event?

If this is the case, first and foremost, you have absolutely every right to care and question him and make sure this never happens again. For the goodness and safety of your well-being.

From this, I also got the impression that this incident has only happened once? So, even though you should be weary and question him as to whether or not he will (or will not) do it again, it would be wise to forgive (and hopefully) forget the incident so you can move on. Especially if you love him and want to move back in with him.

If you still feel like you need reassurance, my advice is to ask him now and again. Not on a constant basis so it doesn't get on his nerves and the relationship between you two will erupt in flames. say, for example, once bi/weekly, until you can learn to trust him again.

Good luck in your relationship. May the two of you find joy and happiness with each other.

Answer 5

Hi,

I believe you did the right thing by moving out. Ok, so he slapped you and you want him to know never do that again..right? Well when you feel the heat coming on again..watch yourself...walk away and go for a walk to think things out away from him. Once you come back home and you are both calm then sit down and discuss it. Stop bringing it up already! He got the picture. You are beating a dead horse. If you want to stay with him then do so. I f he ever hurts you again..call 911 and have him arrested for assult. It's that simple! Goodluck! BLUEBUNNY

Answer 6

Girl, MOVE ON! AS IN AWAY FROM HIM!!! First of all, he slapped you! I don't care what you said, guys DON'T hit girls...EVER!! Secondly, he should understand your fears and be sympathetic to your need to feel secure and trusting that it wont happen again. He should be going out of his way to make you feel safe, not hang up on you! Just because he's okay with it doesn't mean you are. The thing is, the hang up shows he doesnt REALLY care how you feel and that he will probably hit again. If he was genuinely sorry, he would do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness and trust. Don't waste anymore time. There are plenty of other guys out there, and they don't hit!

Answer 7

For a lot of men, and women, if they hit you once, chances are it will happen again. However, he probably hung up on you because he's tired of feeling beaten down emtionally by your constant dwelling over what happened. He apologized, said it would never happen again, so now you have a choice to make. Either trust him, and follow through with what your plan was, or just forget it and move on. By your constant nagging about it, it says you don't really trust that it wont happen again.

Answer 8

I can see your concern, but it sounds more like you are trying to use that incident to bash him with it time and again. Maybe if instead of telling him you are scared of him or that you won't tolerate it you could offer a sensible solution to his behaviour and your fears. Ask him if he's willing to go to counseling or anger management classes or something. But be careful how you approach him now that he's obviously tired of hearing about the slap.

Answer 9

Girlfriend I think he doesn't deserve another chance. Once a man puts his hands on you...it's a wrap. I don't care what he's told you in relation to the incident, let him go. You know that if it does happen again, you're going to be so mad at yourself for allowing it to happen by giving him another chance. So I say let him go....

Answer 10

to be honest i have no idea what this man is like, but if you've talked to him about it alot i wouldn't drag it on. Plus you slapped him back so you are just as much at fault as he is. drop it, but if it happens again just charge him with assault