Should i forgive my father-For what he has done?

Question

My father and i has never really got along every since I was 7 when he spat in my face from taking up for my mother. Right now he is in jail and my mother wanted me to write a letter for him to make parole and i told her no for the simple fact everytime i see him it brings hate and anger all over me again of everything he has ever done to our family. Ex: having no christmas presents on X-mas morning cause he stole the car my moms credit cards, jewelry and made her go bankrupt. Also never being their when all 6 of us were born. Always on the street doing drugs and in crack houses. He also told my mother and my sisters to lie so he couldn't be sent back to jail, when he choked me and when i was running for dear life when i thought he was gonna kill me. I got sent away when i was 17. I'm now 20 and living on my own. He tries so hard by writing me letters but I don't respond. I just don't like being around him for what he's done and what he's capable of doing. What should I do?

Answer 1

WOW; I can relate to you in so many ways, the only thing is that for some reason I find myself to be a forgiving person no matter who has hurt me. I know it's tough but listen to your heart because I know it speaks another language if you understand what I mean. Like you said you are now on your own, forgive him at least 79% for what trauma he has caused in your life and most of all heart. Explain to him also to your mother how you really do feel and then keep it moving; hey at least you did your part and you will sleep way better at night. The jail situation he was man enough to do the crime let him be man enough to do the time. Good-Luck, remember it's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not!

Answer 2

The issues of forgiveness and writing a letter to the parole board are separate.

You should forgive because in doing so you will set yourself free from all of the anger and bitterness that you currently have inside. These emotions will have many negative effects on your life if you don't release them and the only way to do so is to forgive your father. This does not mean to say that what he did was Ok or doesn't matter. It simply means that you choose to release him from the need to make any reimbursement to you and you decide to seek no revenge against him.

As far as writing a letter to the parole board, your dad sounds like a pretty viscous person. The deciding factor should be whether or not he has been rehabilitated. If so, support his release. If not, don't send the letter.

God bless

Answer 3

There is an old saying that "Your character is your fate." This is a very true statement. This guy is not a credible guy and sounds like the type of guy that will never change. When you say he "tries so hard by writing you letters," this is his way of trying to manipulate you. People like this are takers not givers. I'm sorry for you that he happens to be your father. His abusive behavior shows he has deep problems that you are not going to change by being nice to him.

You can forgive him for what he's done to you, but I would not help him. He has to help himself. If he does change, which is very unlikely, then and only then would I attempt to make some kind of relationship with him. Trust is something you earn, it is not given. I would write him one letter and in that letter tell him that if he is interested in ever seeing you again, he is going to have to change and prove to you that he is worthy of even seeing you. When he has a steady job for at least a year, no problems with the law, and apologizes to your mother and all the children for all he has done to her and then makes some restitution to all of you, then and only then would you even see him. Otherwise, the alternative is for him to go and abuse other people, but leave you and your family alone. Then I would get a restraining order and let him know you've done all this so he will get a strong warning that you mean business.

If he wants to change and does change, then I would see him face to face in a very public place and have your talk with him.

good luck

Answer 4

You should write the letter but in the exact feelings you feel. Do not candy coat it for his sake. What you went through is too common in our country and is sad but reality. In the letter use it to release all of this anger you have. Anger when not dealt with can become a cancer inside each of us. You do not say what he has written in the letters but his actions will speak louder than the words he places on the paper he sends. The reason I say this is his track record. During his time in jail has he gotten clean? Has he become in touch with God? In the letters has he asked you to forgive him? IF so, then did you feel his request was sincere? Even if you ever forgive him you do not forget. I know this as fact due to my own life. Good luck and remember it is YOUR life to live so do what YOU feel is best for your life at this place and time.

Answer 5

I think that every now and again we have to realise that our fathers are no good. It's not that he's not redeemable, it's just that he's wasted his life and yours.
Personally, if he makes you suffer every time you have contact with him, by flashbacks, then it is best that you have nothing to do with him. Or else you have to have him so close, that you are able to have a relationship based on the present, rather than the past.
I'm in a very similar situation as you, and when my father died of cancer, he refused to speak to me. I didn't want to speak to him, but bowed down to pressure from my family. I knew I would regret it and I did. I now have to live with the thought that my father hated me so much he would not speak to me on his deathbed. And by the way, I did nothing wrong, other than point out he was an alcoholic.
If you think it was the drugs that made your father behave the way he did, you might be able to salvage your relationship, by forgiving him. I have found it easier just to move away, accept the fact that my father was a rotter and get on with my life. Julian Lennon, son of John, opened my eyes when he said that his father didn't love him. It's quite acceptable to actually acknowledge that your father doesn't love you - in fact, it is liberating. It frees you from that responsibiity.
If you're able to forgive, do so. If not, await the time when you can with patience.
Good luck, honey.

Answer 6

forgive him to free yourself of the pain and anger and bitterness all that stuff hurts you more than him.but that does not mean you have to write a letter to the parole board.ask yourself will the community benefit from his company or will he bring bad things to those who live there? you are an adult you owe him nothing. in a perfect world familys always stay together its not a perfect world. do what is best for you if others dont understand theres not much you can do about it but you deserve to feel safe and respected and loved i dont think this man can give that only you know if he can.good luck.

Answer 7

Its sounds to me like this man is not your father. A father is someone who teaches you to play ball, and judges your dates when you bring them home. All this guy is and was to you is a sperm donor. If he has done all those horrible things to you then why does your mother still have anything to do with him? I would suggest getting your family in counseling to help them to realize that he is bad for their lives. You may also want counseling to deal with all the hurt he has caused you so you can move on with your life. Talk to your mother and let her now that you think he is an abusive man. I would not write the letter to get him parole; however, I would write and tell them everything he has done. Perhaps then he will have to take accountability for hurting you and get the help he obviously needs.

Answer 8

Don't write the letter! Obviously, he's a negative factor in your life and you don't need that. If a dog bit you, would you keep the dog? maybe, if you loved the dog. But if it kept biting you and your loved ones on a regular basis then you'd have no choice but to give the dog away!

Doesn't sound like he's changed so there's no need to "enable" him to keep being abusive. Have you heard that term before? Your mother is an "enabler." She keeps putting up with things, obviously, if she's pushing you to write the letter then she doesn't seem to see how serious it all was.

Stick to your guns and don't allow yourself to be manipulated!

Answer 9

This is a horrible situation! I am so sorry about that! You should definitely be careful, and try to stay away from him. Forgiveness is the first step in the healing process. Forgive him, but try to stay away from him, and if you ARE around him, just be careful. You can respond to the letters, but make them short and simple. Tell him how your life is going and everything, but don't agree to go meet him anywhere, or anything like that. Just forgive him, but be careful around him. Good luck!

Answer 10

Don't you ever feel guilty for standing up for what you believe in. I have strong belief in GOD, and trust me vengence is His and He will repay. I've been in a similiar situation as yours and I have so much hatred in my heart for my father so I know how you feel. It got to a point where my mother and younger sister and I cannot get along, because they don't understand that what my father has done to me is serious. They think I need to move on and forgive him, but if they only knew what I had to go through behind closed doors. Do what you feel is right for you and don't worry about what others think...if it takes 100 years for you to forgive him then so be it...What can he do for you now? I'm 20 too and I've been doing for myself...its kind of too late to be a father !!!!!!