Just last night my daughter asked to play out on our back pattio. Normally I wouldn't let her go out side by herself but her daddy was going back and forth to check the grill and I was standing right in front of the window doing dishes so we let her. Long story short I look up and she's gone. All you parents out there know what that feels like, sheer panic. We yell for her, go next door(there is a little girl there her same age that runs freely) she's not there. We finally find her across the street with our neighbor playing on her swingset in her back yard. This is the first time she has ever done this. Aparently the neighbor girl asked our daughter to come along and the woman whose yard they we're in had no idea that our daughter didn't have permission to be there or would have notified us asap. We have grounded her so far. No cartoons, no paytime, no outside time with friends. We talked to her about what she did and that it was wrong but she still says she dosent get it. HELP!
2007-04-03 07:36:28 · 19 answers · asked by DREDAY 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
She will be 4 this month and she is very smart! My question is how do I explain it to her in a way that she will understand?
2007-04-03 07:51:03 · update #1
Yes, we have already had the stranger talk prior to this. We also talked about how this made her father and I feel. We switched the rolls in the story to see how her actions would have made her feel if she were us and she said sad and scared so she gets it.
2007-04-03 08:02:15 · update #2
My heart caught in my throat just on READING "she was gone". I can imagine how you felt actually having to look for her.
I'm wondering how old she was. My daughter has wandered off at the store recently, at age 7. Not as serious as crossing the street and being in somebody else's backyard, of course. But it still scared the pee outta me. So what I did when we got home was sat her down, and asked her to explain why she thought I got upset. Then I explained how I felt.
I said if she got hurt, I wouldn't know and be able to help her. She already understands about strangers and "people who hurt children". So I told her how easy it would be for a stranger to pick her up and take off, before I could even find her. I told her how much I love her, and how scared I was when I couldn't find her. I flat out told her that it's my job to keep her safe, and her job to help me keep her safe. It's a team effort. That seemed to click, finally.
She felt bad that I was so scared, I felt bad for overreacting, we both agreed not to wander off anymore. :)
I think you should tell her how you felt - children are surprisingly capable of empathy. It will also help her understand why it was wrong if she understands why it's so dangerous. Hopefully then she'll never scare you guys like that again.
2007-04-03 07:52:04 · answer #1 · answered by ~Biz~ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOu don't mention your daughter's age, but I would say that this supports your feelings she is not ready to be outside without an adult along. Grounding her was a good start..she knows what she did was wrong. Now is the time to start teaching her what is right in that situation. You can do this by talking with her, finding social stories with similar issues at the local library and/or having her play out the situation with you using her favorite dolls or stuffed animals. Keep the story simple...a child is playing and someone asks them to go to a new place to play...the child thinks about the answer...the child asks her parents...sometimes the parents may say yes, sometimes the parents may say no (use both endings, but explain the no's with reasons like "Dinner will be ready soon" or "It is too late for that."). Keep telling her the story over and over. When her doll chooses to go off without asking first, have your character be noticably upset, scared, worried. When her doll chooses correctly, always have your character praise her for making such a smart choice! Once she is allowed out side again, review the rules with her before anytime outdoors. You can even practice it a bit while you play at the park or go on a walk. Keep it casual, keep it fun but keep doing it until she finally gets that what she did is a big nono and why!
2007-04-03 07:51:12 · answer #2 · answered by Annie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to explain the stranger danger to her. With this being her first offense and only being 4, I personally wouldn't punish her that much. She doesn't understand what she did wrong, so a punishment of this sort is really not going to help. Help her to understand that when she leaves the area she was told to stay in then you can't keep an eye on her. It's your job to keep her safe and you can't do your job if you can't see her. In the future, I would ask your neighbor to give you a call if she does come over again, just to make sure you know about it. Then tell her that if she does it again, she will have this punishment, etc... Good luck!!
2007-04-03 07:57:17 · answer #3 · answered by punkin_eater26 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do think your punishment is too harsh. As a Mom to a 5-year-old, I understand your fear and panic but try not to react with such a harsh punishment. She probably is able to sense your panic and knows in her heart what she did was wrong.
Have your talk with her (or maybe 2 or 3 talks), and make sure it's clear she is not to leave your yard without asking. Is your yard fenced in? That may make it easier for her to understand her boundaries. Give her the freedom to go out on the patio again, and then punish her if she takes off again.
And keep a good eye on her! Good luck
2007-04-03 09:04:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the punishment is harsh. If the child didn't realize what she was doing was wrong, it seems unfair to punish her so severely. I understand that you were scared, but since the child had no bad intentions, I don't see the punishment doing much good. Simply explain to the child that she is NOT to leave the yard without permission and then if she does it AGAIN, punish her.
2007-04-03 07:47:38 · answer #5 · answered by wyllow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My son was 2 when he toke off from us.... It only takes a second... You need to make sure she knows that there are bad people in this world who will try to snatch her... However you want to tell her is up to you, like putting it in a nice way to try not to scare her as much or putting it bluntly and scare her... That is up to you.. I have my kids so what afraid of strangers.. Even when I'm with them and someone says hi, they look at me to see if it's ok to say hi back... Just let her know the dangers of not asking if she can go somewhere or not..
2007-04-03 07:56:17 · answer #6 · answered by Debbie B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You never mentioned your daughters age which makes a big difference. Instead of trying to explain why its wrong try telling her how scared you and her dad were and how sad. She may understand that more than right and wrong. Otherwise you've handled it very well and can only keep trying to emphasise how important it is to always ask you before she goes anywhere.
2007-04-03 07:49:12 · answer #7 · answered by buffybot67 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I understand your panic, but I think it sounds like she wasn't ready for that step, and that falls on you as her parents. Had you talked to her exensively, and several times, BEFORE you let her go outside about what's okay, and what's not? You can't do that AFTER she's already ran off, although everyone makes mistakes- just don't punish her for your mistake. Obviously that's just a reminder to everyone that just because somebody is going back and forth to the grill, she still needed someone there with her all the time.
2007-04-03 07:43:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
How old is she? If she's only a toddler she will not understand punishment for this and she was not the one in the wrong really-you should not take your eyes off her for a second - you now know how quickly this kind of thing can happen. I'm sorry this sounds harsh but some frightening things happen and she's your precious responsibility.
2007-04-03 07:43:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
How old is she? If she is 5 or older, you should explain to her about stranger danger and why you were so worried. She should be a ble to understand. Younger than that and she won't get it as well. You will just have to reinforce with her that it is not ok to go somewhere unless you know about it.
2007-04-03 07:42:36 · answer #10 · answered by e_imommy 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋