Worried that my kids will grow up to resent me, but I am doing what I think is right?

Question

My family (their grandparents and cousins and all that) are very toxic people. I have chosen not to attend all (if any) family functions. I don't let them see my kids that often as they cause so much chaos in my life personally. However, they are family, and so I let my kids know them (mostly supervisered). As a parent this is the most I am comfortable with. Will my kids grow up to resent me that we didnt' do Christimas and let them be all chummy and close? My family wants to be SO close to my kids, and I am afriad that when my kids are older, they will tell my kids that it is all mommies fault, as they wanted to be extra special close grandma and all that. Will my kids see the dyfunction? Will they see that I did let them know their family, because I put their needs ahead of mine in that area:?

Answer 1

I think you are doing the right thing. You mold your children the way you see fit. As they get older they will make their own decisions, but at least they would know the good values you have instilled in them, and would be able to recognize the drama in your family and decide if that is what they want to be a part of. It is good that you are allowing them to know their other family members. You have experienced what your family is like, and allowing your children to be put through that would definitely be unfair to your children. That is why, we as parents are called Guardians. We guard, guide and protect our children. We walk through the mine fields of life ahead to make a safe path for them to follow.

Answer 2

I have a similar family, some relatives much more so than others. Even as a young child, my daughter understands that mommy has good reasons for not spending time with [name], and she will understand when she's older.

The reason I do this is because I also expect resentment, if I'm not honest with her. Visits are generally brief and supervised. That way she can have a relationship with them, without allowing them any more opportunities to be toxic.

I know at least one can't WAIT for her to hit her teens so that they can tell them what a terrible person I am. All I can do is cross that bridge when I get to it - I try not to worry about it now. Hopefully by then she'll have seen what I've experienced, and will understand my choices. And even if she doesn't.... then she'll be old enough to make that decision for herself, and I'll have to respect it.

For now, I think you're doing right. All I can offer is the advice that you be very honest (without being detailed). It's more important to maintain your sanity and your children's well-being than to be popular. I wish you the best.

Answer 3

you may be right in that they might try to poison your kids against you when they get older but I agree that you are doing your best to find an acceptable agreement. Your family must have caused you some terrible pain in the past. Maybe you could sit down and write a letter for your kids to read in the future, give them your side of the story and tell them how you are feeling and how hard this is for you. I'm sure your kids will have some idea of the trauma you have gone through and i wish you well with this. x

Answer 4

I have a similar situation, my mother is an alcoholic and has been since I can remember, my husband and I don't drink and we don't allow our children to be around my family when they are drinking or smoking pot... When I was growing up it was just part of our normal lives every weekend was a party, and we spent a lot of times in the town bars growing up... I remember when I was 11 I ran into a school friend at the little store next to the bar my family was at watching a ball game, she invited me to her B-day and I asked if she could go with me to ask my mom and her mom totally freak and said by no means was her daughter going inside a bar, i think that was when I realized my life wasn't as normal as I thought.. I don't want my kids to think that that type of behavior is okay or exceptable and the rule is if you want to see them then you have to be sober!!! I pray that my children will see that my choices were to protect them from a life like that.. It is not exceptable and if I have to I will explain all the pain I suffered from seeing and living in that type of lifestyle... You just do what you know is best for your children!!!!

Answer 5

Chances are that if that's the only way kids have ever known things to be then they will just accept it as normal.

We lived pretty far from all of our extended family so I never thought it was weird not to have large family gatherings (even though my dad comes from a family of 9 kids), until I got married and my husband's family is very close.

It sounds like the way that your family is, even if they do eventually say something to your kids, it will be far less than they would have been able to have done with more visits. I'm not sure that makes sense, what I'm saying is that if they see them 10 times in 10 years and they say 1 bad thing to them, you can be sure that if they'd seen them 100 times in 10 years they would have said far more than 1 bad thing to them.

Answer 6

by the sounds of things you are doing the right thing by letting them see their family even f it is supervised...i am sure they will grow up to understand that, that was how you wanted things to be....just bare in mind as they get older they may which to see their other family without you being around....are you going to be happy for them to do this?? you need to think about that...if they are good kids they wont resent the choice you made....good luck

Answer 7

My son is my mother's only grand child. My mother is a product of very controlling and selfish mother (my Nana) herself. I have chosen to be myself and not play their game. My Nana will "guilt trip" my mother constantly. My Mother then tries this with me. I refuse to play this game. I tell my Mother to call me when she's ready to act like a grown up. She knows that I will stop all contact with the family if this toxic behaviour starts again. I will not subject my child to this, blood or no blood. In the end, your children are the most important thing. If you act a certain way with your family which is toxic , the kids will pick up on it and will learn the behaviour. It's best to stand up to these people or limit your time with them. You have to break the chain of dysfunction.
If you raise your children with love, who cares what your family says to them when they are older.
It sounds like your family is so toxic that they think everything is your fault anyway. Don't bother to worry about what they think. Your children will learn to stand strong on their own by your example.
You said that your family wants to be SO close to your kids. You have to ask yourself - why do they want to be so close? Do they want to control them like they try to control you? Just something to think about....

Answer 8

this sounds all to like my child hood, that being said, I do believe when your child(ren ), reach an age/maturity , they too shall see, the significant impact , your nurturing , will have on your particular situation,
AS when i was a child , tho our lives , will be somewhat ,
if not radically different , we grew , to see , the benefit, of our parents, love, and understood , enough by let us say , early/ late teens, that we realized they were (mostly,lol), right. By being there for us themselves, the struggle they had to endure , by letting us see, our family/(extended) regardless, of our supervised visits,
WE ourselves, grew to see , the manipulative/unsafe/mental/emotional , side of things, some (may) call abuse. the trying days of , i'll give you money cause grandma loves you most , to the your mommy's not a good person , thats why your father , has to do those things
(GET MY DRIFT?) WE were at times babysat , (by our grandparents.) and told to hide in the closet (game?or jus mean ,), when our mom came to pick us up , WHEN we would jump out laughin , our mom would be in tears.
ONLY we never knew why , until , we over heard the others laughin , saying she thought they were outside lost !
My brothers and I after that day came to realize , the reality , (not ALL mind you AS we were just children ) of the torment my mother felt when , she was to pay a visit , and try being polite for our sakes. (the children)

WE have grown up now , and I must say for the better , IF it was not for our mother , (and wholeheartedly i believe ) early enough on , that she chose to almost Isolate us , from that particular group of people , we may have grown to be quite similar . As i too will tolerate , none of my children , being victims of such antics.

I have four children , now of my own, raging in ages 15 years and down to 6 , and I too choose, to keep my own children , away from the kind of , things, For THEIR own good, my oldest (15) now actually came to me the other day , and said ............MOM if IT wasn't for you , I would probably be like the rest of , those guys.
WHEN i asked him which guys? He was speaking of ? HE shrugged his shoulders , and said the people who are related to us . THEN proceeded to mention names.
I always am of the belief , do not speak , of others while they are not present , but in this case , I let him , talk , I mean he chose for himself , (with a little help from mommy dearest)
I have got to proud of that , right !
I helped to mold him , into a better person. (OR did he just see things for the way they are ,) regardless, children will surprise, you ,, and mostly ( really) it's all good .
he is right on the button.
I have a very smart bunch of kids. And I couldn't be prouder .

I fully believe from the depths of my heart , that YOU give your children the best roll model , for better or worse they will look up to you , even on those trying days , we all would probably like to forget,( those days are also important ,) when your kid(s) grow more , and get older , they will look back , and take into considerations , the reasons , you have given them , (and if the reasons are nurturing) thank you for them , (even if you do not actually hear it) , YOU will in time SEE, and love the way they have come into their own , mind, and realize that mommy was right.

Answer 9

My family is not great. My gramma always pulled guilts trips on my mom to make us go for family get togethers. I am now 24 and all those get toethers from my childhood have made it so that I try to avoid my family as much as possible.

Answer 10

As they get older they will probably recognize the dysfunction and be glad that they were not overly involved. Focus on developing attachments with your closest friends who may shower them with love like an extended family would.