What to do about a Bridezilla?

Question

My friend is trying to control her bridal shower. In the beginning she told us around 20-30 people. So we started planning it. She then told us our location...a clubhouse was tacky. So we are throwing it at this cute little cafe that caters, but it is $11 plus tax and tip a head. We were fine with it, but said we need to have a max of 25 friends. She called screaming at me because it won't be big enough. I just don't want to throw a shower for someone who is being ungrateful. It is me and one other girl (who is still on a college budget) throwing it. We can't afford it. Are we being unreasonable? What are we suppose to do? At this point, I want out. I thought this was supposed to be a gift. Not a REQUIREMENT.

When I told her last night is was asking alot from two people....she responded my wedding is costing 30,000 I know how much it costs. OKAY! (then you understand, right) She then told me I didn't need to be a bridemaid and that she would find a replacement...and could they purchase my dress. I am still so confused!!

Answer 1

Is she usually like this?

If she is, then she is no friend and I'd back out now.

If YOU bought the dress, KEEP IT. Let her new bridesmaid get her own.

If SHE bought the dress, go ahead and give it back to her.

I would see--if you are close to the groom-if the groom or her mother or someone else could talk some sense into the bride. SHE is not in control of the bridal shower, those who are HOSTING it are. If she doesn't like it then too bad.

Answer 2

WOW. That's all I can say here, WOW.

Yes, your "friend" (and I use that word rather loosely right now) is being very controlling. Yes, she is correct in assuming that the Bridesmaids host and plan the bridal shower, but it is up to YOU GUYS how to do so. All she contributes to the event is the guest list. You and your friend control the where, what to eat, etc., etc. If you 2 cannot afford a location that charges $11 a head PLUS tip, then you can't afford it. It's not a matter of you're not wanting to be a good friend here, you simply don't have the money (unless you have a money tree that you're plucking the money off of). Do the best you can with what funds you have. You might ask her mother or other female relatives if they would like to kick in some money to offset the expenses, since you and the other bridesmaid are on more limited budgets. I like the suggestion of treating her like a mother in law, let her rant and rave away, and then do what you're going to do anyway. If she's really stupid enough to create a scene at the shower, it will be her loss, and everyone there will see her for what she is.

I am also completely shocked that she said what she did about you serving as a bridesmaid. If someone I was being a bridesmaid for said something like that to me, I would probably promptly hand over the dress, and any receipts that I had that were wedding related expenses for her wedding, and tell her I fully expected to be reimbursed for those expenses, 100%. And then I would write off my friendship with that person, for good. Friends don't treat each other that way...period, and I don't know about you, but I don't need a friend who treats me that way. Heck, you don't treat a complete stranger that way.

Assuming you want to preserve the friendship here, I would take her to lunch somewhere, and have a good 'ol fashioned talk with her. Empathize with her, tell her you understand she's under alot of stress right now, but that she cannot continue to treat you and the other bridesmaid the way she has been. Ask her what you can do to alleviate some of the stress. Tell her your concerns about the bridal shower. It sounds like the location is the place putting restrictions on how many people you can have there, and public places have to do that for fire code regulations (and if that's not the case, you have a pretty good excuse now). Explain the budgetary concerns you and the other bridesmaid have. Ask her if she has any solutions to your budget problems (and the fact that she's spending $30K isn't a solution). Tell her you will do everything in your power to make sure her shower is great, but that YOU will plan it. Ask her for the guest list, and move on. Tell her you want it to be a surprize for her, so all you will tell her at this point is the date. Not the location, nothing else, just the date and time.

Good luck, I hope she straightens up her act. Just because she's a bride doesn't give her the right to walk all over people. And if you feel this way about her, I'm sure others do as well....

Answer 3

She seems to think that because her wedding is going to cost $30,000 the bridal shower should be in line with that. I know all about not being able to afford paying for that though. The bridal shower is your gift to her, she should only be involved in coming to the shower and opening her gifts and appreciating everything. She should in no way be involved in the planning of the shower and who is invited.

Being that you are her friend, you should have an idea of who she would like to be there for her. If you could only have 25 guests, would you be able to eliminate 5 people from the 30 she wants to have, without hurting the bride's feelings? It is all about her after all.

How much of a friend are you? I assume you're pretty good friends with her, due to being asked to be a bridesmaid, but yet I get the feeling she doesn't value your friendship enough, to understand where you're coming from, that you and the other person just can't afford to throw a huge bridal shower. It looks like she's just wanting all the gifts, not really caring about the rest of it.

If she told you she would find a replacement person to be a bridesmaid, then if I were you, I'd find another friend. If you don't want to lose her as a friend, talk nice to her, and back out of your responsibility as a bridesmaid and tell her I'm sorry but I didn't realize everything would be so expensive, and ask her if it would be okay for you just to attend the wedding as a guest, and help her find someone who is willing to throw her the kind of shower she wants. I'd just hate to see you guys loose your friendship over this, but then again, I don't know what tone she used, or the exact way she phrased things toward you when she told you you didn't need to be a bridesmaid. I hope you get this worked out someway.

Answer 4

You're right in all aspects....the Bridal shower is a gift..not a requirement! At this point you don't have too many options...you can either back out all together...which a lot of people would have already done, but she's appearantly a good friend for you to put up with her...bless you!! So, you can go ahead with the plans...and have her in an uproar after it's all over or find a way to try and compromise with her! Is she having any other showers? One compromise might be to contact either another bridesmaid or two...or an Aunt or other family member. Explain that the shower costs have gotten a little out of control in trying to meet the brides request and as an alternative to leaving out people she wants invited or going against her specific "requests", you are hoping they can assist in the planning and cost of the shower. If you have no luck, then you'll just have to have a sit down pow wow with Bridezilla and explain that while you love her, your budget simply doesn't allow for the kind of shower she wants....and that you were doing this as a gift that you thought she'd appreciate.....tell her flat out what the budget for the shower is and the # of guests will determine how elaborate it will be..and that you need a final guest list right at that point. You make the details from there...if it's cake and finger sandwiches, so be it....she chose quantity over quality!! Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 5

wow, that is def a bridezilla. A shower IS a gift. Most of my friends have had their showers at someone's house. Food was catered at some (like Panera with a cake or something) or someone cooked the food. That is ridiclious that she is going to make you change the location, which, by the way, a clubhouse is not tacky. I would just hold her to what she said before....she said she would find a replacement, so let her do it. Back out and if you want, show up as a guest, but nothing more. Hopefully she will realize how awful she is being to you.

Answer 6

Her demands are unreasonable, and you are correct in stating that the shower is a gift--a generous one at that--and not a requirement.

If you aren't able to deal with her inappropriate behavior, you need to re-evaluate the friendship. Should you decide to pull out, your friend may "uninvite" you to her wedding, stop talking to you, etc. So, is it worth the risk? I think it all depends on how you feel about her.

If I were in your position, I would likely be tempted to just end the friendship completely. She seems immature and selfish, and I don't have the time or energy for such people. However, I don't know the history the two of you share.

Was she a normal person before she got in engaged or is this behavior typical? Has she otherwise been a good friend?

I think that if you answer these questions, you'll figure out what to do.

Godspeed.

Answer 7

Well...you certainly do have a bridezilla on your hands...or maybe out of you hands now....I think that you should call her out on her game here, and tell her that you was trying you best to give her a nice shower, and that you are sorry that you could not meet her *requirements*....and if your not having the financial means to give her the shower that she wants means that you are no longer in her wedding party...so be it. Keep your chin up, you tried your best, but I have a feeling that this is only the beginning of a nightmare of a wedding, she may be doing you a favor by ousting you. Hopefully your friendship will survive the storm, and after her wedding and things calm down you can get back to reality and a good friendship again.

Answer 8

Actually, a bridal shower IS a gift from a bride's family and/or friends to help her set up her new home. As such, the bride has NO say in 1. where the party is located; 2. who is invited; and 3. what gifts or type of gifts she will receive.

Now, mind you, a bride can SUGGEST certain things that she might need in order to help her set up her household, but it isn't necessary.

By no means go over your budget. It will end up costing your friendship.

Answer 9

You are not being unreasonable. People like this give all brides a bad name.

Stand your ground. Don't allow yourself to be intimidated by this bride. If the room will only fit so many people then she will have to limit her list. If she's not willing to do it, you can. If she still won't budge, tell her that you can't throw her the type or shower she wants so you are respectfully backing out of the shower as a hostess and that, of course, you would be happy to attend another shower being thrown in her honor. That should quiet her down.

Answer 10

It's hard to keep your head on straight, or sideways, or upside down when your planning a wedding. No, you shouldn't have to pay for it if you can't afford it, but try to cut her a little slack, she's not of right mind.

However, that is too much money for a bridal shower, unless someone else is footing the bill who can afford it. If you can't get her to calm down and be reasonable, I would opt out. Simply tell her that you are sorry, but you are unable to live up to her expectations, and let her go on her stressed out way without you.