The "dirty" kid in the neighborhood, how to help?

Question

There's a little boy in my neighborhood that likes to play with my son. I allow him to come over when the time permits, but he's very dirty and sometimes smells incredibly foul. He lives with his mom and 3 brothers. I know his mom stuggles to pay the bills and works a lot. She leaves this 9 year old boy in the care of his young teenage brothers, but they do not take care of him. He comes over all the time telling me his brothers left him home alone, or that he hasn't eaten. I feed him when I can, sometimes he catches me on the way out the door. He has no manners. I feel for him, but I can't be his 24/7 caregiver. I hate to break up a home, but I feel like something needs to be done for this child. Would you call child protective services? I don't think he's abused, but he may be a little neglected. One day after I "attacked" my son with tickles and kisses the boy said "my mom never kisses and tickles me" it broke my heart. I don't think his mother would be receptive to "advice".

The question of bathing the child has come up as well. I worry that opening my tub/shower to this child might cause people to question my intentions. I certainly don't want to cross a line. If only I still had a swimming pool I'd toss him in it without worrying!

I've actually only seen the mother once in my life. She's hardly ever home. She works nights & weekends and I work during the day.

Answer 1

I was once the "dirty kid" in my neighborhood. I wasn't dirty, in a sense I smelled foul. I just didn't have the nicest clothes. My jeans had holes in them. I didn't have gloves. We lived in a very old house, heated with fuel oil and sometimes a kerosene heater. We had a basketball rim nailed above the garage that you had to manually open. It didn't have a net. Our basketball was a dodgeball, or a basketball that had a hole in it. It didn't have air. The next door neighbors were very rich. They had a huge 3 car garage with porches in it, a huge boat, and another 5 stall garage in the back.... they had a little girl named Jamie, who was a few years younger than us. The other neighbor wasn't rich, but wasn't poor either.

There kindness I remember to this day. I was successful in graduating from highschool and college. Not bad for a poor kid.

Once the mother of Jamie, gave my brother and I a pair of gloves. She said we really needed some and our hands would freeze. She would take her daughter, my brother and I on walks around the neighborhood. We would always walk down to this huge rock and sit on it. The other neighbor said, he noticed we had a basketball hoop, but no basketball. So he gave us one of his.

Jamies mother died of cancer a few years later. We were 8 years old. They moved away. The other neighbor moved as well. We finally moved to when my mother and father decided to get back together.

To the outside world we were poor and perhaps neglected. My mom never tickled me either. My mom was too busy cooking dinner, doing laundry, trying to survive on with 2 kids.
I am glad nobody called child protective services on my mother. She did the best she could. These people who donated to us dirty kids surely did a whole lot more.

Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

Answer 2

That's an awful position to be in. I would be feeling exactly the same way you are. There are definitely two ways of looking at it...on the one hand, it's good to keep family together even if sometimes it's not under ideal circumstances but on the other hand, you feel for him because he doesn't have everything that he deserves to have.
I wouldn't necessarily call social services just yet but I would talk to the mother which might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Just start by saying that you're glad your son has a friend in the neighbourhood that he can play with and see where she takes the conversation. Mention that you've noticed she also has two older boys and ask if they're available for babysitting (just to see what she says). You'll have to use your mother's intuition to see what needs to be done next.
Thank you for noticing that the world is not perfect.

Answer 3

First off, he's nine and may be prone to exaggeration, I know my boys are. My oldest at one point told his daycare that they had not eaten breakfast because their were no clean dishes when in reality it was 5 am and they usually don't eat until 7. The daycare always fed them (I pd extra for this because I wanted my boys to go back to sleep when they got to daycare which was usually accomplished by carrying the boys from my house to the car to the daycare). Oh, yeah, did I mention that I had just rearanged the kitchen and the dishes were not where he was accustomed to? Anyway, point is kids occasionally exaggerate. As for the smell and what not, my kids shower daily and after playing outside for numerous hours come in smelling pretty funky and looking like they smell.
The point is, talk to the mom first. Get the story from her lips. Maybe she is unaware of the fact that her teenage sons are n't living up to what she expects and needs to figure something else out. If child care is a problem tell her to contact her local Assistance Office, there are programs there that many people don't know about such as child care aid, car repair, clothing allotments for work/school, and many other programs. If all else fails then contact the school. She might be too proud to discuss such a touchy subject with you. The school would know best as to the child's hygiene. With the school being made aware of the situation they may be able to advise you better.

Answer 4

Don't call social services. Instead, leave care packages outside the home and let the boy keep coming over. My daughter has 2 friends that are the same way, and I don't say boo about it. I feed them and sometimes even allow them to shower at my place. The mom's work full time, single mom's and trying to be "Super Mom", and as a successful Super Mom myself (I raised 2 kids close to the poverty line until just recently...........thank god) I never knock those who are trying their best. You have never walked a mile in her shoes and don't know what it's like. Just cut the family some slack and keep doing what you are doing. In the end, you'll be forever thanked and also you'll be the role-model for this unkempt child.

Answer 5

Maybe you should talk to the mother. I know this might be awkward and it might seem like it's not your place, but it is. Tell her that she has her hands full and you know that it's hard to keep up with everything, but you heard some people in the complex complain that her son is always kinda dirty and that they say that she neglects him and is always home alone. Maybe if you say it that way, she will think that it's not you and that you as a concerned mother thought that it was something that you wanted to bring to her attention, since you know that that she is a hard working mother trying to provide for her family. This little should be taught how to bathe himself and put deordorant on himself. He should also be taught how to make a bowl of cereal or something simple. If you tell her and the problem still is going on them I would call someone and tell them that she works a whole lot and this is what's going on. And maybe if you tell her that you heard that someone might be calling child services if the problem continues then she won't think it's you.

Answer 6

Your heart is in the right place. And yes, personally, I would call child services. That doesn't directly mean it will have the boy put in a foster home. There are organizations out there that help with the bills and groceryies for less fortunate. Maybe his mom doesnt have the knowlege of those resources, and the child services will make sure that she gets them and will check up on her to make sure she is using them. The boy needs love, like you said. I know you can't be a mom to him, but life is hard sometimes, and the kids will remember the nice neighbor who would give hugs. As for the smelling and cleanliness, it must be taken care of. He could get sick and dental care is importnat with kids.
Ask yourself whether its worth calling someone.
1.) What will happen to the boy if nobody is called
2.) wHAT WILL BE THE OUTCOME FOR HIM IN THE END IF SOMEONE IS CALLED?

Answer 7

As much as you hate to do it you should call and report it and maybe just maybe they can offer her some kind of after care or big brother program for her son so he isnt so alone while she "HAS" to work... I feel for you as I know I would be torn too with this decision but children need guidence at this point or he will amount to very little. Too often many people dont get involved and sometimes its not always good to stay closed mouth when it comes to the future of our kids. I hope this helps ~ Good Luck

Answer 8

You need to contact social services. This child is not severely neglected by the sound of it, but he is suffering mentally as well as physically. As much as I'd love to tell you that teenagers are responsible enough to properly take care of a child 24/7, I'd be lying. You may not break up a home by doing this, but this mother needs to take classes or something. If this child is openly stating his home life (after the attack of hugs and kisses, not eating,) he must really need help. Don't make this child suffer any longer!

Answer 9

I wouldn't call child protective services because they might take her kids away and she might be doing the best she can. At least he has your brother as a friend and you can look out for him once in awhile. I grew up in a town where a single mom had 8 children. They were all poor, scruffy and smelled bad. Rumour had it the mother was a stripper. Well I'm friends with this family still and they have all grown-up into the nicest of people and are the closest siblings I know.

Answer 10

I think that all kids deserve a clean home and kisses. You should provide it for him whenever you can but don't be consumed by it. Also don't fell guilty for giving your own child kisses and being a good mother yourself. As for notifying the authorities you have to take into consideration if he would placed into a better home or worse hopefully better but who knows. This is a very tough situation but I think you are a blessing to the child. Try having a talk with him mother or older brothers. Ask them what's going on. As for giving him a bath that's an even harder one. I'm sure it would be more pleasant for him being at your home and smelling bad but don't put yourself or your family's well being in danger.

Good Luck and God Bless.