What do you think of a dad who.....?

Question

abandoned his son for nearly 7 years, hopped back into his life for no apparent reason, spends virtually no quality time with his son (my son tells me all he does at his dad's house is babysit gf of the wks kid or plays video games), does not take advantage of the extras (my son is in a few activities that I tell his dad about but dad doesn't show), does completely the opposite of what I tell him to do with our son (not little things, big things, like stuff the doctor says can and can't be done. My son is lactose intolerant so can't really drink milk but his father piles it on, has sealants on his so his dad gives him taffy-I am responsible for med. bills), and all of a sudden wants full custody of him or share custody (we live in 2 dif. school districts so this is impossible)?

Nothing against dad's deciding to reunite w/children they left behind and there is so much more to this (ex.: his mother is a child molester and he would be having her babysit my son when he's not around plus both g.f. and dad watch my son getting dressed-have addressed this one w/children and youth but a big fat NOTHING from there).

He has visitation at the moment, only 3 days a month plus I am getting support. This isn't a question on what I should do but more on what others think. I'm contesting his want for full custody or shared custody and staying w/in the bare minimum of the current one.
Thanks tho.

My son can have a little milk (very little, maybe a small glass a day) or he becomes severly constipated causing a blockage in his bowels. Last time it got so bad he nearly had to be operated on. My ex insists that I'm trying to make my son into a hypochondriac and that my doctor is a quack and never mind the specialists agreed that was what was wrong.

I have no idea who is going to win best answer and since this is an opinion question I don't expect everyone to agree with me. You are right that there are two sides to every story and he is not here to argue his. I hole heartedly believe every child is entitled to a mom and a dad but I don't believe every mom or dad is entitled to be a parent. As far as chosing him, I was 18 and stupid. That's life. I'm 29 now and have grown not only on my own but w/my children. He skipped out on that opportunity and I feel that helps in his poor judgement. Because he never had any real responsibility in his life he has remained a teen. Believe me, if I could go back and change things....forget that, I wouldn't. I love my son. I love all the time I have had with him. I love who my son has become and he would not be who he is if I hadn't made a mistake or two. People err, sir, that can't be helped. It's what is learned from those errs that matter.

Oh, plus I never called him a horrible monster, but I would say he is not a very responsible parent.

I do agree with you that you will probably not get the best answer simply because you have decided that you know me. You don't know what I will decide and to state that my choice to be with him doesn't make me look any smarter than he is was rude. If anything, I would not chose yours for these reasons. Have you not ever fallen for someone and later regretted it? Have you never made a rash decision in your youth that when you reminisce you feel unbelievably foolish for doing?

I just noticed an error on my behalf, when stating I did not call my ex a horrible monster it should have state IRresponsible not responsible.

Answer 1

Ok im sorry, give this lady a break here...she only wants our opinions.
I experienced something like this. As a baby i was abandoned by my father, at 6 wks old. My mother moved us from Texas to Indiana to live close to her family where they could help us. I had 2 older siblings, from my mother's first marriage. My father never contacted me or my mother. My sister (who is 11 years older than me) told me that the reason my dad left us, was because i was a girl and he wanted a boy. Ok i know this isnt true, she is just a *****. But as a kid i believed her. Cut 13 years later, my dad contacted my mother, pleading his love and regret for leaving us. Over a period of about 6 months, he came to IN to visit, convinced my mom to up and move us to TX, we moved, it was horrible and we went back to IN alone, he wouldnt move there, even though my mom owned her own home and everything. Ok, well he came back wanted us bad, lol, so she told him that she wouldnt leave IN unless they got married first, they married in IN and we moved here to TX. Next moment that we got here, he sprung on her, that he had just divorced his ex, and had gotten awarded custody of his 2 daughters, one in 3rd grade and one just starting Kinder. He worked offshore so he was gone for 2 wks and home for 2 wks. There you go instant babysitter. We lived slightly better than poor. He hated spending money on anyof us. New clothes for the school year meant 1 new pair of jeans 1 new shirt, new underwear and socks, if we had to have new shoes, walmart or payless for 1 pair. That was it. As soon as i was oldenough in TX to work i started working summer/after school (at 15) he did get me my first car, from ajunk yard. Ok great i was working, had extra money to get clothing, well then he decides that since i am working, i can buy my own groceries. yup i had to buy my own food, at 16. I am 31 now, and i am married, my dad hated my husband from the day they met, and he kept in contact with my high school sweetheart till the day my dad died. He kicked my mom out of the house, about a year after i got married, and he filled out those "do-it-yourself" divorce kits. but never filed it. She is back on her own, now and has her own house, starting from scratch all over again at 61 years old. (was 51 when he kicked her out). My dad came to the hospital when i had first daughter she is 7 now, was there at her birth, and came with presents, but never came again for parties or anything. My second child just turned 4 and he died while i was 3 months pregnant with her, on my older daughter's birthday in 2002. We werent speaking at that time, and i do regret that, but what i regret most. is the fact that my siblings, from my father's side, didnt tell me when the funeral was, and none of them were on speaking terms either, i had to read about it in the newspaper, so i didnt go, i found out about the funeral about 1 hour before it was to start, and i was pregnant, with a working husband and a daughter, and about a 30 min drive to the funeral, no way possible. I still dont talk to any of the siblings anymore. I do go to my fathers grave and i was the only child to provide him with a headstone, none of the other kids cared to, and they dont think mine is good enough for him either, i got him one from the VA because he served in the army, but they dont like it it isnt big enough or fancy enough. for them. But they also dont have the money for one. Sorry to rant.....however sometimes it is better for your child to learn that he is a sorry person on his own. However you do of course have to look out for his safety. As long as he doenst get full custody of your son, i would let hime within reason continue to dissapoint your son, he will learn that he will never change and that is all he will ever do. Of coure if he is in danger now that is different of course. But from experience, i can tell you he will learn and it will hurt him to know that, but he will and you will be there to catch him when he does find out.

Answer 2

Yes, I think some fathers should just stay away. It is a pity because I believe strongly that every child on this planet should have a loving mother and father. However, your ex seems to be neglectful and playing power games.
Why does he want custody - is it because he has a new girlfriend whom he is trying to impress? Sorry for sounding cynical, but everytime my ex got a new girlfriend, the kids were suddenly the centre of attention, dusted off, taken out and then abandoned two weeks later. Or is he genuinely trying to improve the relations between the boy and himself? I wouln't agree personally, but I would try to understand what is going on behind this change of face. And maybe if you had some help, mediation-wise, in which you could agree to work together, it would help your son. By the way, what happens when your son has milk? My daughter breaks out in eczema, and I would be really angry if she had to suffer because of a silly power play.

Answer 3

As a father, it never stops to amaze me that some men can lay down with a woman, make a baby then bail on the mom when she needs him most. It never stops to amaze me why a man who has such a beautiful opportunity to be a daddy but don't take the opportunity. Guys who do this are not in it for love. They meagerly want to have another notch on their belt of another woman they bagged. Sorry to be so blunt but some guys are not really daddy material and I would not even consider sharing custody until he steps up to the plate and is a responsible father and so far he is batting a thousand to not be one. I mean for peat sake he won't even take an active part in his sons life, ie sports or take him fishing. You said it yourself when he spends time with his dad, he babysits or plays video games. Is that your ex husband's idea of what a daddy is. If so he has a poor concept. Put your foot down and your son will thank you for it if his dad changes.

Answer 4

I am in agreement with you.I too have an absent father who only wants to be a father when it is convenient for him.I hope you have everything documented as far as the doctors visits after your sons visits with the dad.That will help you when you go to court.My ex and I have a joint custody.He has them every other weekend for access but normally they go to his mothers house and he is not there.They receive no supervision.For example my son, who was 8 at the time,came home from a visit with his dad and told me what they did.He told me that him and his dad watched the lord of the rings.Well I blue a fuse.I asked my ex why he was alloying our 8 year old to watch "R" rated movies.His response was i can do what ever i want.I think parents with this attitude should not have children period.When you have children you should always put their needs first for everything in life until they are capable to take care of themselves.Keep fighting the fight girl.When your son gets older he will realize what a good mother you are and how laking his dad is.Feel comfort in that.

Answer 5

I don't think any judge in his right mind would give him custody of your son. I have a 9yr old and her dad is MIA 95% of the time. The other 5% is when we are in court (for non payment) and he is trying to convince me to let him see her. Luckily he usually lets it go after I tell him no. How old is your son? Does he want to go live w/dad? It sounds like your son knows that dad is irresponsible. Judges always take the kids opinions into consideration in custody battles. Does this guy pay you child support? I would actually try and get your sons time w/dad limited even more. Your son can not possibly benefit from a parent like that. As your son gets older he will see for himself that his dad is not worth the effort. Guys like this are scum and give dads that do try and have good relationships w/thier kids a bad name.

Answer 6

Be a good mom and step in hard on the situation. Do what is best for your son. If home rules are not the basis at dad's then why put the child in danger? Make him go to court for the visitation and I hope you are getting support payments

Answer 7

First off, my answer isn't going to win "BEST ANSWER", cause you're probably going to pick someone who agrees with you. But everyone knows there are TWO sides to every story.

The one thing I'd have to ask is, if your child's father is such a horrible monster, why did you choose to birth a child from him? That choice doesn't make you look any smarter than he is. Now that you made your decision, he is locked into your son's life forever and deserves to have a relationship with his son. He may not be the perfect parent, but your son deserves to have two parents who love him.

Answer 8

Number one shared custody is NOT impossible. My dad had shared custody of my half sisters and their mother lived 5 hours away. They were with us half the year and with their mother half the year. So, nope not impossible. As far as lactose intolerance goes...Where is your lawyer dear? You need to discuss this with your lawyer as well as the taffy...although I'm figuring that the sealants are on "baby" teeth that are going to be coming out eventually anyway...and sealants are a preventative measure against decay and will protect against the taffy. As far as the medical bills...Well if you didn't have it put into the support papers that he pay the medical bills then that is YOUR fault. Not his. A father doesn't automatically HAVE to pay the medical bills for the child...it is up to the mother to REQUEST that through her lawyer (been there done that). But again...rather than complaining on an internet message board you'd make more headway by talking to your lawyer...

Answer 9

I think it is selfish for any noncustodial parent to think it is okay to be a parent like a revolving door.Children get hurt by this parent who is in and out of their life on a whim.Children need love and consistency in their life.They do not need a parent who lavishes gifts on them one day and dotes on them and they are out of their life for 6months plus at a time.The child becomes confused and distrustful and may think they are at fault. The occassional parent makes promises they can't or won't keep and the custodial parent is left to pick up the pieces. It is never easy in these situations and usually the child is the casualty. Do your best to ensure your child lives each day feeling loved and wanted.A tough job but you must do it. Good luck.

Answer 10

If I were in your shoes, I'd fight to the end until this man's involvement with my child was limited or cut off. I know others will say the father has a right to see his kid, and the kid needs the father, etc... but in this case I think the father does a lot more harm than good.

Answer 11

I'd be STUNNED if any judge granted full custody out of the blue to a deadbeat who wants to entrust his child in the care of a child molester. That's not even legal.